Nightmares about my ex BPD person

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

I refer to him as my ex BPD person because we were in an open relationship for a long time and then became "friends" when I started seriously dating someone (I put that word in quotation marks because the friendship consisted of him disrespecting me and me allowing it just to keep the peace. I wasn't emotionally invested anymore but he owed me money so I kept up the interpersonal relationship). Just wanted to clear that up.

I'm currently having nightmares with him where he messages me to harass me, uses force or intimidation, or I find out that he's living better off than me even though he owes me thousands of dollars and SWEARS he's going to pay me back. I wake up nervous, paranoid, and upset. My husband, unfortunately, is in Australia (I'm in NYC), waiting for our permanent visa, so I can't wake up to him helping me. He helps me out as best as he can over the phone and provides me with a huge source of comfort, but I'm still having these nightmares and I don't know what to do. Please help me. Thank you.

[asiyah93]

Hello,

I refer to him as my ex BPD person because we were in an open relationship for a long time and then became "friends" when I started seriously dating someone (I put that word in quotation marks because the friendship consisted of him disrespecting me and me allowing it just to keep the peace. I wasn't emotionally invested anymore but he owed me money so I kept up the interpersonal relationship). Just wanted to clear that up.

I'm currently having nightmares with him where he messages me to harass me, uses force or intimidation, or I find out that he's living better off than me even though he owes me thousands of dollars and SWEARS he's going to pay me back. I wake up nervous, paranoid, and upset. My husband, unfortunately, is in Australia (I'm in NYC), waiting for our permanent visa, so I can't wake up to him helping me. He helps me out as best as he can over the phone and provides me with a huge source of comfort, but I'm still having these nightmares and I don't know what to do. Please help me. Thank you.

[BeagleGirl]

The money he owes seems to be a contributing issue.  Is there any possibility of taking legal action to get the money back?  That might address some of the powerlessness you feel.

Alternatively, is it worth the money you are owed to still have him in your life and nightmares?  Could you write off the money and move on?

I've suffered from nightmares off and on.  What typically helps me is to spend the moments of panic/anxiety I have upon waking from the nightmare to try to narrow down what I am actually afraid of and what actions I can take to address that fear.  Then, when the dream repeats, the period of anxiety afterwards is shortened because I already know what I can and have done to make the nightmare unlikely/impossible to come true.  Eventually, I can even do that process in the midst of the nightmare and not even wake up, and soon the nightmare goes away.

Simplified example - I used to have nightmares about someone sneaking into my hotel room while I was on business trips.  In the nightmare, I would wake up to someone standing over me or on top of me.  I figured out that my fear was around not being able to take action until it was too late.  I addressed that fear by using the physical security latch on the hotel room door.  I would have the nightmare, but then as soon as I woke up I'd remind myself that it couldn't have really happened because I would have heard them breaking the door.  Pretty soon, I was able to remind myself of that fact in the midst of my dream and the intruder would disappear.  Now I don't have that nightmare.

What are the fears that your nightmares reveal?  What can you do that will keep them out of the realm of reality? 

[asiyah93]

"Alternatively, is it worth the money you are owed to still have him in your life and nightmares?  Could you write off the money and move on?"

That's ultimately decision I had to make. Our last interaction I reaffirmed the boundary: no contact unless it's to tell me how you're sending me the money and how much you're sending. He went into a rage and I just had an epiphany that he will NEVER understand me or empathize with me and he will NEVER pay me back and that's that. He already started setting the wheels in motion for his next excuse not to pay me back: health problems. My husband offered to mediate but I decided the anxiety and headache of having to deal with this person isn't worth it. I'd rather pay interest on that credit card than deal with him. He can't seem to keep to the topic at hand (what he owes me) and I don't want to keep telling a person to stop deflecting and diverting the conversation to our personal lives. Once I had that epiphany about him never paying me back, it was easier to let go, but I am still dealing with this emotionally because I've had two surgeries in the last 2 months and I'm in slight medical debt as a result. I really can't afford an extra $2k in credit card debt. At this point, I'm going to have to pay it and forget about him paying me back.

I don't know what legal actions I can take. I don't think I have any legal recourse. He was an authorized user on my credit card (I did that to try to help him build credit so he can get engaged in the future [my replacement ]) and I know that if the authorized user makes purchases and s/he can't come through it is the responsibility of the primary account holder. Not to mention the other thousands of dollars he owes me from the past. I don't think I have much of a case

The nightmares reveal my fear that he is a) lying and is more well-off than he says; b) is sending his troops to contact me and not leave me alone (it already started with my "replacement" mysteriously emailing me after almost a year of telling me I ruined her life); and c) that he will take the first flight back to NYC and show up at my doorstep, knowing that my husband is in Australia for the time being. With c, I fear he's either going to hurt me or I'm going to snap and hurt him. With a and b, I fear I'm going to snap and continue the toxic cycle of arguing, thus giving him what he wants (attention). I'm exhausted!

Thank you for your suggestion. I think I'm going to give it a try. I need to lessen this anxiety. And you're right, the money he owes me is a contributing issue. It is the only contributing issue at this point. I don't care anymore about what he did to me in the past. I do, but not enough to be angry about it anymore. But the money is still a sore spot because of my medical debt.