My first conscious attempt at validating - your thoughts?

[LittleBlueTruck]

Yesterday my mom starting opening up to me about her siblings. I know this is a huge sore spot for her, so I was supportive and encouraged her to talk (instead of "oh, I'm sure they didn't mean it that way" which is how I formerly handled things, which would lead to her hating my f'n guts).

She seemed to appreciate that and then started testing the waters of how far my empathy stretched. Talking about her own childhood physical abuse, she said the thing she most feared in life was being hit. And that during the last visit with my brother, he got angry at her for not agreeing with his view on something and that he stood up and reared his fists back as if to hit her.

Blatant distortion or flat out lie. Never in a million years did that happen. What makes this more complicated is that the "thing she wouldn't agree to" that they were fighting about was my mom was trying to convince my brother that I abuse my children and that my husband lives in fear of my "tyranny and authoritarianism."

So, I was momentarily unable to really respond because it just seemed like an outrageously insane situation where she was playing a victim to me so that I could comfort her... .for my brother daring to disagree with her that I abuse my children. This interaction she's talking about happened four months ago.

 I got out of the situation easily enough because my kids were around and needed my attention. I took time to reflect and take inventory over my emotions. I was angry and shocked. But also, I felt deep sadness and guilt about my brother. I've been her disfavored child for many years and he has been her all good child. So he never really saw all this about her until he stood up for me against her and defended me. And her saying this about him is evidence that she's now starting to split against him.

Based on what I've read, I thought I should validate her emotion but not the fact. I approached her again later and said "I'm so sorry you have fears of being hit. It must be terrible to fear people who love you." And she reacted the way that she literally never has. She was visibly relieved, said I was such a good listener and was chirpy and peppy the rest of the day... .came out later in the day and said in a little girl voice "I'm so happy living here." She also followed up by telling me it was SO empowering to stand up to my brother and tell him she KNEW what she saw and he couldn't convince her otherwise. Again, she's telling me like we're bosom buddies how good it was to stand her ground to my brother and tell him I'm abusive to my family. It's like she had zero mental connection about how inappropriate this entire bizarro interaction was.

So, now I'm feeling guilty as hell like I betrayed my brother. He tried to defend me, she split on him, and then I didn't defend him. I just thought it would have been entirely pointless. He's been so supportive since they had that big blow out four months ago.

So, experts... .1) how did I do validating emotions? Please be brutally honest, I really want to learn these skills; and, 2) how do I make this up to my brother? I haven't told him about the interaction yet because he's under tremendous stress right now and already so depressed ever since coming to grips with our mother's illness.

He's the person I am closest to on this planet other than my husband. Wondering if it is always going to feel like I'm betraying someone innocent if I'm validating my mom's emotions.

Thanks in advance.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey LittleBlue Truck:  
I'm so sorry about the difficulty you are having with your mom.  

Based on what I've read, I thought I should validate her emotion but not the fact. I approached her again later and said "I'm so sorry you have fears of being hit. It must be terrible to fear people who love you."

I think you did fine.  The first part was definitely a home run. (Didn't sell out your brother on that one).  You really didn't sell your brother out on the 2nd one, but maybe you might have felt better afterwards by making it a little more generic.  i.e. "It must feel terrible to think that anyone is about to hit you."

"I'm sure they didn't mean it that way" which is how I formerly handled things

Good job in recognizing that you can't invalidate in that way again.  Sometime, the best answer is to just NOT invalidate (by word, expression or body language).  That can mean to remain silent when you are unsure of what to do.  It was a good strategy to use the children as an excuse to step away.

Below are some links to info. of validation/don't invalidate:  
DON'T INVALIDATION

MORE ON VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

VALIDATION - LEVELS OF VALIDATION

Of course, your mom doesn't realize you weren't actually agreeing with her.  Validation can take some practice, and sometimes it might not work for the most skilled person.  So, it's okay to just NOT invalidate.

You might want to share some workshop links with your brother.  He sounds like he is a loyal brother, so I can understand how bad you feel in thinking you betrayed him. Unfortunately, if you try to debate something with a person with BPD (pwBPD) things can get heated up quickly.  

1. DON'T JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) AND AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

2. TAKE A TIME OUT

This article might be of interest:
Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

[LittleBlueTruck]

Wow, Naughty Nibbler - thanks for all these resources! I am going to read them all now. I'm sort of bingeing on BPD literature right now because I feel like someone handed me the Rosetta Stone to my mom.

Thanks for your comments and suggestions. NOT invalidating but stopping short of validating might be something I rely on more when she's accusing dearly loved people in my life of really offensive and outlandish things. Feels like a better middle ground to strike between honoring my mom's feelings but not selling some poor innocent person out.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey again LittleBlueTruck:   

I had the feeling you wanted an accelerated course.    

If you are using a laptop or tablet, you might want to start a bookmark folder and bookmark lessons that you find helpful.  In the learning stages, you probably want to revisit some of the links multiple times.  With some links, it can be helpful to edit the title to be more meaningful for you.

I thought I'd share one more basic tool to use, "I" Statements.  Sometimes, you might want to use some "We" statements as well.  These statements are meant to replace the use of "You" statements.  I'd suspect your mom uses a lot of "You" statement, especially when she goes down her blame list (from the beginning of time, ). 

It might be helpful for you to have a few "I" Statements handy (or know how to use them).

I found the 19-minute video at the link below a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

The template and sample below could be helpful as well.

How To Use I-Statements:

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:

I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood. 

Check out the video and the template above. Additionally, a couple more samples appear below.  You might want to use some recent situations with your mom and practice some "I" Statements you could have used.  History seems to repeat itself with people with BPD traits.

Sample 1
I love you and I want our conversations to be respectful and supportive.  I can see that you are having a bad day.  Therefore, I'm going to end this conversation.  I look forward to speaking to you when we can both enjoy a respectful conversation.

Sample 2
I want to have a respectful conversation with you, but I can tell you are upset.  I'm going to end this conversation for now.  I look forward to (talking, texting, exchanging emails), when you are feeling better.