Dealing with a BPD husband

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not sure how to start or what to write. A few months back I came to know that my husband of 21 yrs has BPD. We had always had issues and there were long periods of silent treatment from his side; really long. Anger outbursts were common and he was predictably unpredictable ! I had never heard of BPD. Always thought he was eccentric. I loved/love him and have two children. The counselor at my son's college had enough interactions with my husband to figure out that he has BPD. After long intensive talks with me and our two boys she asked us to read up on PBD and get ourselves acquainted with it. He does not think he has any problem and believes it is me who has mental emotional issues. The counselor suggested that we allow him to believe it for some time so that he keeps meeting her at least. I don't know how that is supposed to work, though I have placed my faith in her. As of now my husband is very suspicious of me, doesn't trust me at all, and has spread weird stories about me. Most of the times I do understand where it is all stemming from and am able to look past, yet there are times when I long for a normal relationship, a normal regular home. Not many people understand what BPD is all about and it's tough to find someone who gets what you are talking about.
Thank you for providing this space and listening <3

[Angel 29]

I'm not sure how to start or what to write. A few months back I came to know that my husband of 21 yrs has BPD. We had always had issues and there were long periods of silent treatment from his side; really long. Anger outbursts were common and he was predictably unpredictable ! I had never heard of BPD. Always thought he was eccentric. I loved/love him and have two children. The counselor at my son's college had enough interactions with my husband to figure out that he has BPD. After long intensive talks with me and our two boys she asked us to read up on PBD and get ourselves acquainted with it. He does not think he has any problem and believes it is me who has mental emotional issues. The counselor suggested that we allow him to believe it for some time so that he keeps meeting her at least. I don't know how that is supposed to work, though I have placed my faith in her. As of now my husband is very suspicious of me, doesn't trust me at all, and has spread weird stories about me. Most of the times I do understand where it is all stemming from and am able to look past, yet there are times when I long for a normal relationship, a normal regular home. Not many people understand what BPD is all about and it's tough to find someone who gets what you are talking about.
Thank you for providing this space and listening <3

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

Hi there.  Been with my BPD H 21 years, now.  This is not a condition where telling the person they have it helps - that can often backfire horribly, and so I can understand the T not wanting to just out and tell him.  That said, I think your T might need to work to combat the ideas that YOU have a mental illness, simply because it gives your H fuel for his fires. 

Thinking the the "non" is the one with the mental health issues is common - it's a form of projection and allows for shame avoidance.  BPD is all about avoiding shame and blame.  Once you wrap your head around that a bit, some things will make more sense.  Blaming all problems on you, telling weird stories about you, all serve to "show" others that HE is not the one with a problem, and BPD makes that a priority in all tings in life.  My H is bad about this - he can't even admit to having bad feelings without feeling shame for it, so he seeks out someone (usually me) to blame for his feelings so he won't have to feel bad for feeling bad.

I have bene posting here for about 10 years now, and I can say that seeing the trends in writing and getting feedback from others HAS helped, and overall, we are far less likely to have rages and volatile incidents than we used to be, when I was still in the "make things worse" mode that often brings a non here in the first place.

Glad you're both seeing a T - hope it can continue and help.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome to the board Angel. You'll find lots of support and help here. It's nice to have a place to go where others understand the ups and downs of living with a person with BPD. Looking forward to learning more about you and your relationship.

[Angel 29]

isilme, Thank you so much for your response. Yes it really helps to hear from others who are going through a similar situation and a dialogue is so important. Treading on my own helped but connecting like this feels like a relief. When you explained that putting the blame on another makes them feel that they do not have to face the shame of their actions, it made so much sense ! Though it is not easy at least remembering it helps. I need to remember this otherwise I find myself believing all that he says and a downward cycle of thought begins. Being aware and conscious is probably an important key

[Angel 29]

Tattered Heart, thank you for the warm welcome. It feels very comforting to connect with people who know and understand where you are coming from. I am looking forward to learning how to deal with my situation in better ways and also being there as a member of this beautiful family.