In pain, no one to talk to

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am 2 days NC and it feels like weeks. He hasn't responded to the final email I sent 2 days ago saying we can't be in a romantic relationship. I am coming out of FOG, knowing it is best for us both to cut the ties, and that my email will mean he can figure out what to do next without thinking he will return to be near me. It feels very big, and sad. At the same time, a relief because he sapped my energy.

I am not talking about this to friends, family. And no one is asking. They know he is not longer here, having moved thousands of miles away. Do I bring it up? Who do I talk to?  A lovely couple that my ex-BPD and I were friends with have not responded to 2 of my emails asking if they want to see my new apt. They have been good about being friends with us separately and together. They don't get it that the ex is a narc and BPD.

I have a therapist who is ok, and with BPD experience, but she isn't that great, actually.

I had lived with the narc BPD off and on for 6 years, and now live alone. I have a disability, work part-time from home and don't have a lot of friends due to the time and energy he took, and my limited energy/disability.

How do I know who is safe to talk to about this?  Or, whether it is ok to bring it up?

I am feeling more like a failure now that I am out of denial. Disabled, chose unhealthy relationship, financially not in good shape, single/no kids, 59 years old. Nothing that I am good at or can offer. Depressed, frightened, exhausted.

Thanks for listening.

[anna58]

I am 2 days NC and it feels like weeks. He hasn't responded to the final email I sent 2 days ago saying we can't be in a romantic relationship. I am coming out of FOG, knowing it is best for us both to cut the ties, and that my email will mean he can figure out what to do next without thinking he will return to be near me. It feels very big, and sad. At the same time, a relief because he sapped my energy.

I am not talking about this to friends, family. And no one is asking. They know he is not longer here, having moved thousands of miles away. Do I bring it up? Who do I talk to?  A lovely couple that my ex-BPD and I were friends with have not responded to 2 of my emails asking if they want to see my new apt. They have been good about being friends with us separately and together. They don't get it that the ex is a narc and BPD.

I have a therapist who is ok, and with BPD experience, but she isn't that great, actually.

I had lived with the narc BPD off and on for 6 years, and now live alone. I have a disability, work part-time from home and don't have a lot of friends due to the time and energy he took, and my limited energy/disability.

How do I know who is safe to talk to about this?  Or, whether it is ok to bring it up?

I am feeling more like a failure now that I am out of denial. Disabled, chose unhealthy relationship, financially not in good shape, single/no kids, 59 years old. Nothing that I am good at or can offer. Depressed, frightened, exhausted.

Thanks for listening.

[asiyah93]

Anna58,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I'm sorry you feel so alone and lost.

"How do I know who is safe to talk to about this?  Or, whether it is ok to bring it up?"

Valid questions. I'm currently experiencing this myself. I don't find it safe to talk about this with anybody anymore except my husband (and I keep it to a minimum with him because I don't want to get too into my ex with my current lover) because when I've tried talking about this with others in the past it has led to so many misunderstandings, assumptions, and judgments. I don't mind being judged because I don't lose sleep over it but I do mind devoting a lot of my time and energy into doing something I don't like to do--opening up, only to feel misunderstood or unheard. This is why in the last week I've been more active on this site. This is the only place I feel truly safe to talk to about this. None of my well-meaning but misinformed friends are here, nor are any of my ex's family or friends. I hope we can help you feel safe and secure 

[boothbear]

Several years ago I faced something like this.  Ended up reaching out to a person or two I went to school with (many years ago) for help, along with one person I knew online from gaming together for years.   

[roberto516]

Anna58,

I'm sorry to hear about all of this. It really is a painful experience. There's so many emotions going on, and it literally can destroy us. I'm lucky in that I can speak to a couple people about this. But I feel like they are talked out. That's why I come here. It's a place that really understands what is going on with me. I would check out and app like "meetup" I believe it's called. You can find a lot of things to do there, and really make some new connections.

Just keep sharing here. We can all get better from this.

[anna58]

Thank you all for the heartfelt responses. Well, it is my experience, too, that people might mean well but don't understand. I didn't understand the severity of my  narc BPD until a year ago and we were together 6 years. I uncovered more layers as time went on. So how can I expect someone else to understand who hasn't been through this?

This is a very safe place where I can be myself and feel some relief. I am grateful for that.

The disability I have, chronic fatigue syndrome, is also very misunderstood, so I have a double whammy right now. I used to be in a much better place in my life, prior to meeting BPD guy. I am holding that earlier time close to my heart and soul.

[Mavrik]

First off all sending you lots of hugs xxx

I found I couldn't talk to anyone about it as they just didn't get it, and would simply say 'just move on' or 'just forget about her'

That's easier said than done

I found reading and posting on here was very helpful

All the best x

[lovenature]

Sorry to hear you are in pain anna.

The fact that you have cared so much about someone who has hurt you deeply shows how much you have to offer. Many people don't understand what is truly important in life; nothing and no one can ever change how a person really feels about themselves, compassion and peace are worth more than any material thing in this world, and most don't grasp that fact.
Most of us that tried so hard to make it work with a PWBPD find it easy to have compassion for another but hard to have it for ourselves.

No one who hasn't lived through a BPD relationship can possibly fathom it. You are safest talking to people here who understand, as well as a trained therapist.

Take care of yourself through this tough time, you are not alone.

[Grey Kitty]

When my marriage blew up, most of my friends were joint friends of myself and my wife, so it was hard to figure out who to talk to. Actually I had the same problem a few years earlier when I realized she had BPD, and realized that I was accepting abuse, and was looking for ways to protect myself.

I mentally made what I called "Team Grey Kitty" of all the places I got support.

Posting here was one big part of my "team", and I'll encourage you to continue doing that.

One day when I was just falling apart, and relatively alone/lonely, I picked a friend to call. Don't really know why I picked her; she had known my wife a bit better than she knew me at that time, and while I respected/trusted/was impressed by her, I really didn't know her all that well. I just took a risk and opened up to her, 'cuz I needed somebody then. If she hadn't answered the phone, I might have called somebody else next... .but she did. And she was an amazing supporter. (Turned out she had a BPD mother and had just gotten out of a marriage with an alcoholic, so she knew what sort of things I was going through better than a lot of people.)

Still... .the team isn't JUST people who you can talk to about this crazy toxic relationship.

If you have friends who can just go out and watch a movie with you, or do something else fun and "normal" for a while, that helps a lot. Even if you don't think you can ask them to understand this relationship, they can help you go forward in a happy life.

I didn't want to split our friends up into "my team" and "her team", but some of that is unavoidable. Fortunately in our break, neither of us went scorched earth, in a way that would force friends to choose. Still there was a bit of a division, and I'm not as close to some of them as I used to be.

Remember too, it is AWKWARD for those joint friends. They aren't sure what to do, even if they do want to remain friends with both of you. So cut them a little slack if they are AWOL for a bit... .welcome them back if they reach out, and try to be gracious and power through the awkwardness with them if you can.

Build up your team.