Conflicted

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I just commented on the topic by crushbyac where I somehow came to the rationalization that I need to accept it is my exes choice to want to work on herself and be single... .if its even true. She told me numerous times she isn't well and needs to work on herself and that she doesn't know how to love. But I pushed. And my last communication was telling her I didn't accept her apology. The realization I came to hit me hard.

A part of me wants to let her know this realization because the last communication was painful. It reinforced her shame. BUT as I type this I realize that the same realization I came to should also be her realization in time. If she wants to.

Maybe through therapy and hard work she will realize where I was coming from. I don't want to break NC. It will resurface so much pain. And it could always leave the door open to be painted white and a possible recycle. But I feel bad about basically shaming her. No matter how I was treated/emotionally abused.

But just like it's on me to come to this realizaton isn't it on her to do the same? And the realization shouldn't be about her. Because I realize this now doesn't mean I have to communicate right? It's my ego at play to realize this, and not want her to view me negatively. But what does it matter? My recovery is about me now. If I'm truly on the path I can't be focused on how she views me anymore. I guess time apart really does allow for introspection. I'm just not sure how to act on it.

Hope this all made sense.

[roberto516]

So I just commented on the topic by crushbyac where I somehow came to the rationalization that I need to accept it is my exes choice to want to work on herself and be single... .if its even true. She told me numerous times she isn't well and needs to work on herself and that she doesn't know how to love. But I pushed. And my last communication was telling her I didn't accept her apology. The realization I came to hit me hard.

A part of me wants to let her know this realization because the last communication was painful. It reinforced her shame. BUT as I type this I realize that the same realization I came to should also be her realization in time. If she wants to.

Maybe through therapy and hard work she will realize where I was coming from. I don't want to break NC. It will resurface so much pain. And it could always leave the door open to be painted white and a possible recycle. But I feel bad about basically shaming her. No matter how I was treated/emotionally abused.

But just like it's on me to come to this realizaton isn't it on her to do the same? And the realization shouldn't be about her. Because I realize this now doesn't mean I have to communicate right? It's my ego at play to realize this, and not want her to view me negatively. But what does it matter? My recovery is about me now. If I'm truly on the path I can't be focused on how she views me anymore. I guess time apart really does allow for introspection. I'm just not sure how to act on it.

Hope this all made sense.

[Emotions]

I feel like if you want to send her a message, to communicate something more positive... .that is not a bad thing. I feel like ending the communication on a positive note would be good for YOU. It probably won't change how the ex is feeling, so do not have ANY expectations for her response or lack there of. If you have a burning desire to say another message that conveys your care or friendship and the message is for your own health and well being, then send it... .take 10 minutes to meditate and make sure this is for YOUR well being, and not setting you up for disappointment. It probably won't effect her, but if it's truly for you you might want to do it.

[roberto516]

I feel like if you want to send her a message, to communicate something more positive... .that is not a bad thing. I feel like ending the communication on a positive note would be good for YOU. It probably won't change how the ex is feeling, so do not have ANY expectations for her response or lack there of. If you have a burning desire to say another message that conveys your care or friendship and the message is for your own health and well being, then send it... .take 10 minutes to meditate and make sure this is for YOUR well being, and not setting you up for disappointment. It probably won't effect her, but if it's truly for you you might want to do it.

That's where I'm conflicted. I don't know if the apology I should be sending and the understanding I just gained should be given to myself, and whether it necessarily needs to be conveyed to her. A part of me just feels bad because I tried so hard to not be like all her other exe's, and here we are with me telling her "I don't accept your apology. You hurt me. I'll never accept your apology." But it's probably a mute issue anyway. That apology she sent didn't make me feel good at all. I felt it was belittling although it appeared to be sincere. After all, they are just words. I just know I"m a better person than that. I'm not going to react. I'm going to process, see what other people think, and then figure out what I need to do for me.

My initial gut reaction is that I don't want to start back at day 1 of NC. Longest I ever went was around this time before I reached out. I know with addiction our brains can be pretty cunning to try and get the fix it wants. I'm leaning towards listening to that gut reaction. If she wants to hate me, feel bad because of my words, etc well that is her choice.

Because I was hurt, and now I'm realizing that all the work starts and ends with me. So if she is hurt by my words than the responsibility is on her to feel bad about them, or to figure out why those words hurt, why I might have said them, etc. That's what I have to do for myself. Why should she be any different?

[Emotions]

I would have to give this more thought, I am at work so I can't really focus on the correct answer if there is one... .I guess hold tight and don't make a move yet... .and you can always cross that bridge tonight or tomorrow if need be... .stay strong for now and go work out really hard or do something for yourself til the emotions are easier to control. Be back soon

[Emotions]

 Btw I REALLY want to call my ex too, but I'm gonna hold off til I gather the right perspective or strength. It's soo annoying and difficult but I have to be true to myself in the meantime

[Lucky Jim]

Hey roberto516 and Emotions, I suggest you guys put your energy where your power is, i.e., in the things over which you have control: namely, yourselves.  When in doubt, consult the Serenity Prayer.  In the meantime, it might be wise to hold off on any communications with your Exes.  Suggest you work on letting go of the urge to contact your Exes in order to prove a point, because their thoughts are beyond your control and you are bound to be disappointed if their response is not what you are hoping for, or if they decline to respond.  Instead, suggest you keep up NC and wait for the dust to settle.  That's my 2 cents!

LuckyJim

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

I think you're on the right track.  We all have our own journey.  She will make  discoveries - if she's able to - about herself in time.  Just an example but in my experience, being told that you're in an abusive relationship and you should get out doesn't make any difference to someone in that situation.  Their own beliefs about themselves will affect any information going in anyway.  Only they can decide for themselves to love themselves enough.  It's like any awakening that is needed in life.  We have to have that awakening on our own, in our own time.  Sure, input is valuable and can help the process but ultimately we come to this place ourselves so is it your job to soothe her now?  I don't think so.  And would she not more likely get an entirely different message in what you're saying?  Imagine how you'll feel when you double the length of NC time you've achieved before... .You're very right in that when, or indeed if, she is ready some day she will process what has been said and consider what the reasons might have been.  What her part in everything was.  When and only when she is ready to look at her own behaviour.  Nobody can create that moment just like nobody could create the moment you experienced what you're describing.  It just happens when it is meant to.  So let her figure it out.  It's not your responsibility any more to think about her feelings, as hard as that is because of your conscience.  Think about yourself and put that first.  

It's great to hear that you're seeing things in a new light and want to take that forwards for yourself.  The aha moments in life are the really valuable ones and can change everything for the better if you hold onto them and make them work for you.  The fact you're thinking things through as you are shows that you're open to consider what to do with this revelation and that bodes really well for you.  I'm excited for you.  Know I've probably many of these moments yet to achieve on this particular path out of BPD world... .and look forward to those hitting me along the way.  This signifies healing.  More power to you.

Love and light x

[roberto516]

Well I did hold off. And I'm glad I did. It wasn't really an urge. Just my addicted brain trying out a new way to get me to reach out. I'm glad I made the self discovery though. Acceptance is the key. I have control over what I can do woth this new knowledge. It doesn't mean I have to start at day 1 NC though. Thanks everyone

[Emotions]

Good job!

[roberto516]

Well the feedback really helped. I feel like I knew what I had to accept a long time ago but reading other posts and my thoughts on it just led me somewhere else as I typed. There's many hard days ahead, but this forum has been a god send. And I'll keep sharing and commenting until the obsession lifts. And on that glorious day I'll hang around to help others like I've been helped here. Thanks again everyone. I finally have enough time that I'm valuing my progress and I don't ever want to lose my clean time.

[Harley Quinn]

Congratulations!  I am going to remember your words about the addicted brain trying to orchestrate a behaviour on my part if I lose my resolve at any point.  Really good point.  So glad to hear you held off.  Feel proud.

Every new day is filled with promise.

Love and light x