Ongoing struggles

[AliasBristow]

Hi everyone,
It's been a while since I have posted on here but I feel things are building up a little and need to speak freely to people who understand where I am coming from.

So it has been around 7 months now since my BPD ex left me, which is crazy to think about. It was a really brutal breakup and I'm still feeling the effects of it. We hadn't spoken for ages, then a few months ago I heard from her out of the blue because we had apparently received another bill from the company that we had started building a house through before everything had fallen to pieces. Of course this couldn't be resolved reasonably on her behalf and she was really awful about it. Whilst we had agreed to go 50/50 in it, she told me she had no money and wanted me to pay her half and she would pay me back. Which I found hard to believe - I don't know her situation anymore, but there is no reason she shouldn't have been able to pay it (it wasn't cheap but it wasn't a ridiculous amount of money), and even if she couldn't afford it she has family and friends she could ask. (Plus, I didn't trust her to pay me back!) So I refused, but not in a mean way, I just told her I couldn't really afford it either. Her response to this was that I have no compassion and don't care etc. And that really hurt because I still cared so much. Then in her next email she said that she borrowed the money from "Ben".

Ben has been a friend of hers since before I met her. They always got along well, but she never really made much of an effort with her friends so she didn't see him very often. I liked the guy, he is a nice person, but I always suspected he liked her. And I told her that, but it wasn't like I was jealous. I even encouraged her to see him. She always laughed it off anyway, saying Ben was like a younger brother to her and he wasn't even good looking etc. Besides, I trusted her 100% and she identified as a lesbian! Right before the breakup she was messaging him all the time. Even at 1am in the morning, she would send essay length messages to him and I wouldn't even blink an eye because I trusted her. She even started hanging out with him and his friends and didn't get back til the early hours of the morning. Still, I trusted her. After the breakup one of the random things she said to me was that she was bisexual which took me by surprise. It was unnecessary for her to say it without some kind of reason, but when I asked her if there was someone else she said no. I still had my suspicions but didn't think too much of it. She said she had wanted space and to just be on her own for a while. I found out Ben had moved in with her after about a month or so of her moving into a new place (this was after communication had pretty much been cut entirely except for every now and again when bills or something else came up). She directly used his name in a couple of emails to me as well, I thought it was just a little dig seeing as she thought it would make me jealous or something.

A few weeks ago I found out that her and Ben are together. My housemate accidentally let it slip even though I had told everyone I didn't want to know a thing about her life. Everything makes sense now. I don't know for sure but it seems like she cheated, or at least left me for him. The positive out of this is while it hit me really hard, it may actually be better in the long run. I was still missing her and her family a lot, and I still cared for her. I didn't want to be with her anymore, but I still cared and if she had of contacted me out of the blue needing something I would have been there in a heartbeat. But how can I miss someone that is capable of doing this to another person? I'm pretty sure she thought I already knew because apparently it is public on her facebook and we have a few mutual friends. So each time she said his name in those emails, she was doing it to hurt me. How can I miss this family that I was once so close to when they didn't reach out once even though they had seen me be cast aside? I don't feel sorry for her anymore having to struggle with BPD everyday because why feel sorry for someone who refuses to seek help. I just don't think she cares at all, she must really hate me. Even though I did nothing to provoke her all these months after, the way she would speak to me over the email shows some deep anger. She even apparently told my housemate that I hated Ben and forbid her to see him. So she's a liar as well! I feel sorry for Ben because I feel like the cycle will definitely repeat - he's like the male equivalent to me. Sooner or later it will happen to him...

Anyway, sorry for the long post! Just needed to get that off my chest.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AB, i'm sorry to hear what you are going through in the aftermath of your b/u.  It's painful, but leads to new growth and I predict that at some point (not now) you will be grateful to have parted ways with your pwBPD.  When and if you are ready, we will welcome you over on the Detaching Board.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi AB,

She even apparently told my housemate that I hated Ben and forbid her to see him. So she's a liar as well! I feel sorry for Ben because I feel like the cycle will definitely repeat - he's like the male equivalent to me. Sooner or later it will happen to him...

Shes' blame shifting, you're the persecutor in a drama triangle with her, Ben and you, she cast herself in the role of victim, she's rescuing Ben for now, she'll eventually cast him in the role of persecutor.

You are right, if she doesn't get help for herself, she's going to keep repeating the same dysfunctional patterns. It's not a long rant, that's what we're here for.