My first post

[Dod]

Hello
I'm new to the group, and finding my feet.
I've been with my partner 5 years and are both divorced- having 3 boys between us.
I've had a lot of difficulties handling the explosive situations that arise without warning. I'm generally easy going but react angrily when pushed too far. This puts me into a bleak place that can take days for me to recover my equilibrium.

Last weekend I came across BPD by coincidence and I'm quite relieved to have discovered a way of understanding S.
I then discovered this network and thought I'd join this community of mutual support.

My first real challenge is how to find a way of sharing my observation with S . Obviously this is high danger and potentially very destructive- but it doesn't make sense for this to be ( perhaps wrongly) my secret outlook. Any guidance on how I might open up or help S to find some therapy support?
S was diagnosed with a degenerative hearing loss condition as a teenager and I think that this is a trauma that has had a big impact on her personality.

Dod

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Dod,

Welcome to the boards! Finding out about BPD is like removing blinders. Everything begins to make sense. All that you've been through with your pwBPD has a reason! It's so empowering to have a name for it. But then what? How do you tell your highly sensitive pwBPD that you think she has BPD.

Usually, it does not go well. The pwBPD begins to feel like you are 1. Criticizing them and putting them into a box 2. Think you think they are crazy 3. Are turning them into a project where they are the problem person in the relationship.

Sometimes getting the person into counseling may or may not get the diagnosis of BPD. Many counselors will not even diagnose it because they don't want to the person to feel like a diagnosis and instead just focus on fixing the behavior.

A couple questions for you:
What is the purpose of telling her she has BPD? What do you expect to get out of telling her? How do you think she will respond to you diagnosing her with BPD?

We have a lot of workshops and lessons located on the right side of the page. These can help you begin to understand the dynamics in a relationship with a pwBPD better, learn new ways of communicating, and some tools to help you begin to respond differently to your pwBPD. In my opinion, and this is solely my opinion, I think if you begin to apply some of the tools, you will see changes in your relationship with your wife and you won't need to tell her about BPD. To start you off, here is a link to one of our lessons discussing whether or not to tell someone you think they have BPD.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

[SpinsC]

Dod,

I've been married to my husband for 12+ years. The idea of BPD has never crossed my lips to him. I've been working on improving the relationship, my personal boundaries and patience for two years now. I'm a second wife, but this is my first marriage.

He brought two children in, teens, in our custody. We've since had a child together.

I didn't and don't discuss anything about mental illness I see in him. I do address specific issues to which he can relate. I knew discussing BPD would not work (though I did call my former therapist and ask if I had BPD, thankfully, he said no). What I did discuss with hubby was the potential that he had cPTSD. That seems to be much easier for folks to acknowledge than BPD. He read up on it and agreed with me. This is the closest I've come to mentioning mental illness with him.

When I saw a specific situation I would address what was going on right then:

Before we got married: I see that you are VERY angry. I'm going to refuse to marry you until that anger is under control. If that takes therapy, so be it.

After we got married: What you are yelling at DS is essentially parental alienation. That needs to stop now. He is not responsible for who his mother OR father are. He is a CHILD. And the yelling only makes everything worse.

Later: I need you to stop discussing your ex-wife with me. As long as you hold onto this bitterness, this marriage has three people. I don't share, I will leave. *** This one worked the best and the fastest ***

These are actually lousy examples, because none of them are boundary statements. They're all rules. I had no clue how to do this back then. I still stink at defining a boundary and being consistent in the defense of a boundary. So, my life at home is still VERY chaotic.

If it's a realistic option, get in therapy. If not, read, read, read. Focus first on boundaries. They are NOT rules. They are decisions about what you value and what you are willing to do to defend that.

Example, respect. If someone is spitting mad and yelling at you, they are not showing you respect. How do you choose to act when she gets like that? Are you willing to tolerate it? Then it's not a boundary. Are you willing to attempt to calm her down? impossible and gives the mixed message that respectful treatment is not really a boundary. Are you willing to walk away, drive away, spend the night in a hotel if that's what it takes until she calms down and speaks with respect again? NOW we're talking boundary and boundary defense.

This is hard. Staying consistent is also very hard. Still, I don't think they're as hard as constantly feeling like we live in a war zone because of someone else's temper! You can call them eggshells or you can call them land mines. Either way, there is damage being done if we don't learn a better way.