My birthday

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't posted in a while but some of you may remember me - I used to be pretty active on here.

Since my last posts I finished my degree and tomorrow I'm turning 30. It's bittersweet because I still miss my ex so much. I really wish she were here for this. I've been thinking about her a little extra lately. I don't want to write too much because dwelling makes it harder.

But this will be my first birthday without her since I was 22, and being that it's a significant one too I'm just having a hard time. I still fantasize about her coming back all the time but the more time passes the less likely that seems. It's almost approaching 1 year since we broke up for good as well. Very surreal. Could use some support from my BPD fam right now. 

[JJacks0]

I haven't posted in a while but some of you may remember me - I used to be pretty active on here.

Since my last posts I finished my degree and tomorrow I'm turning 30. It's bittersweet because I still miss my ex so much. I really wish she were here for this. I've been thinking about her a little extra lately. I don't want to write too much because dwelling makes it harder.

But this will be my first birthday without her since I was 22, and being that it's a significant one too I'm just having a hard time. I still fantasize about her coming back all the time but the more time passes the less likely that seems. It's almost approaching 1 year since we broke up for good as well. Very surreal. Could use some support from my BPD fam right now. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JJacksO, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  It's hard when birthdays and other milestones come up, isn't it?  It's healthy to acknowledge your sad feelings.  The next step, I suggest, is to process them in some way.  How to process?  Here are some suggestions: write in a journal, discuss your feelings with a close friend or family member, talk to a therapist, practice mindfulness meditation, take a walk in the woods, get exercise, etc.  You get the idea.  Suggest you sit with your feelings and just observe.  There's no particular timetable here and everyone recovers at his/her own pace, so treat yourself with care and compassion.

LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

I remember you JJacks . These are significant events and it’s no wonder you miss her. I’m about 1 year 5 months out, but still miss him and there are still times when I want him back. Less and less, but there anyway. The bonds we form are very strong. I think the milestones, first birthdays, anniversary, first Christmas without them, etc, are difficult and full of triggers. Surround yourself with loved ones and celebrate. Happy Birthday to you and congratulations on finishing your degree 

[earlyL]

Hi JJacksO,

I remember you too and totally agree with what Larmoyant says. I am only four months out and I dread xmas already, which seems so far away and yet I know it will cause many memories and sadness. Amazing re your degree, and happy birthday too. Are you hoping you might hear from her tomorrow? I know I think about that a lot, I don't know how I will feel, if I would want to hear from her or not, I suspect either will be painful - how do you feel about it? Are you doing something special for it?

E

[JJacks0]

Thanks so much guys 

As far as hearing from her I think the chances are 50/50. I talked to her a couple months ago briefly because I had to inform her about something I thought she needed to know. We chatted briefly over messenger, and it was pleasant but ended there. So if she were to say anything I'm sure it would be short & sweet - I have no expectations of anything more at this point.

My only plans are dinner and maybe drinks after with a few friends. I'm a little sick right now but hoping to be feeling well enough later to get out. That should be a good distraction though - it's mainly waking up without her and the little routines we had for special occasions that will be hardest.

[JJacks0]

Well I heard from her right away this morning actually. Haven't replied yet. It was a really nice message - but as early mentioned, it's still painful because it makes me miss her so much. Wish she was with me today.

[earlyL]

Hey JJacks0,

I can understand that pain, and it is good you can recognise it I think. It really is such a horrible situation because if you didn't hear from her you would hurt and when you do of course you will also hurt. I guess the good news is you have got through it, and although it will always be there, you don't have to ever deal with that first birthday away from her again. You have made it through the other side. How are you feeling today?

[JJacks0]

I feel okay, thanks for asking. I went out of town just for a night over the weekend and it was a little frustrating because I just don't feel like I connect with anyone right now (I mean new people-aside from friends). I know that's okay, but it's a little frustrating because it has been almost a year & sometimes I feel like I should be bouncing back. Feels like it's going to take a lot longer. To be honest I don't even really give people much of a chance right now. I just don't have it in me to put forth the effort of getting to know new people in a dating sense. I feel like the place I'm at right now is just not appealing. Not that I'm miserable or unpleasant or anything, but I am a little cynical, a little darker, and just not the type of person you'd probably look at and think you want to date right now. I know there's a lot more to life than being in a relationship but people often urge me to give others a chance and talk to more people as though it will help me move on. Sometimes though it seems to do the opposite and just make me miss my ex more, and the easy/natural connection that we had.

I did respond to my ex's bday message later that day. She also said that she was proud of me for graduating. I said thanks and that it meant a lot, but that was that - no further conversation from either side.

[jambley]

Congratulations on finishing your degree and happy birthday from me, a heatwave in South Devon. All the best!

[JJacks0]

Thank you jambley 

[kramer598]

I know what you feel like! Today is my birthday and I wondering if I am going to hear from my ex? I'm 98% sure that I will never hear from her again but maybe cause it's my birthday their is a small, small chance. She is a quite borderline and we recently broke up in April when i found her lying and cheating on me. Avoiding Shame and disappointment is what drives her so I don't think i'll ever hear from her again.

[gjkopriv]

I feel your pain, I can imagine what you're going through with a relationship that long. Mine wasn't even close to that but we've been no contact since august of last year and I just got a happy birthday text.I found out information about  a few lies that I was told, one about her father dying last Christmas. I burned a vacation day to go to a memorial service for her father and as I was driving out, I found out it was canceled which ended up with me just meeting her and her 2 kids for lunch. Anyways I found out he died 9 months later in September after we officially quit talking. The only reason I didn't have her on block was because I knew she'd eventually reach out in some small way and I could call her out on her lie. Well I just got the happy birthday text and was going to call her out on her lies but I figured in some way that would give her pleasure that I still was holding onto her and this grudge and I just didn't respond... .it actually made me feel good that she knew it was my birthday and I didn't respond... .She's not worth my stress anymore

[earlyL]

Sometimes though it seems to do the opposite and just make me miss my ex more, and the easy/natural connection that we had.

I totally get this,  I find sometimes I am frustrated at my friends because of course they are not my ex, but I seem to be managing it better now because I am aware of it. I don't want to push people away who have been so good to me but at the same time it just isn't the same. And that is sad.

How do you feel about no further conversation either side, do you feel you want to respond further, or wish she had written something else?

[JJacks0]

I do wish the conversation had continued but that goes back to fantasies and wishful thinking that she'll want to spend time with me again someday.

It's been 8 months since I've seen her & that almost makes me sick to think about.  8 months ago we got together twice, two weeks in a row, just as friends (although I still wanted more) & then suddenly that dissipated as well. Everything went well, we had talked about prospective future plans and then she went silent again. I don't know why, never asked. Knowing her there's a ton going on in her mind, I'm sure I still trigger her in some ways or remind her of bad times. There's some lingering resentment toward me I'm sure, and maybe even some shame. I guess I just thought she'd come back at some point as she has in the past, but that was never more than a few days. The more time we spend apart the less likely that seems. I just wish I knew what she thought, if she misses me, if she's just trying to forget me, is apathetic about me... .what. I feel utterly clueless. When it comes down to it we're not together anymore so I don't have a right to that information, but I'm so used to having some insight into her mind. I think it would help my own detachment process to understand her mentality and why she's gone back and forth with me the way she has. I have my guesses but that's all they are. Sorry for the rant - I haven't seen my T in months and now that I've graduated my mind is a lot less occupied... .that can be a dangerous thing. Guess I just needed to talk.