What to do next

[BPDVASpouse]

After a 30 year relationship my wife was just diagnosed with BPD, can't believe I just realized what it's been all these years.  We always thought it was depression and was left untreated for a lifetime, it took a real attempted suicide and a court order to finally get the help needed.  We fell into all the patterns... .My wife now has teams of people helping her and I find myself adrift and in need of help myself to figure out what to do next. What I do know is I have a lot of work to do on myself and have no idea where to start. 

any advice ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeagleGirl]

First of all, it is awesome that you are recognizing that you need help and change as much as your wife.   

This site is a really good place to start.  There are lots of tools available in links at the top and left side of the page. You may also want to talk with your wife's therapist/support team about resources they may be familiar with for spouses/family of BPD patients.  While live support groups for BPD family members are rare, some have found that co-dependancy and Al Anon groups address some of the same struggles and behaviors that you will need to address for yourself.

I think it's also helpful to get some specific advice/brainstorming from members on the pattern/issue that you find most urgent/distressing at the moment.  It can help you see how the tools can fit into your specific situation.

BeagleGirl

[waverider]

BPDVAspouse

First off you have to accept this not your fault, you could never have "fixed" it nor will be able to. Yes some of your actions and reactions probably made things worse. This was not your fault either. It is near impossible to avoid this without firstly knowing you are dealing with BPD thought processes and secondly had some education in the matter. Even then you will better at it but not perfect as it is contrary to what you would consider normal and reasonable.

A good olace to start:
Understanding your role in the relationship