The unhealthy friends we attract when a parent has BPD

[Peacefromwithin]

I was just thinking recently about my history of the type of friends I had in my life. I got together a few years ago with my close girlfriends from elementary school/middle school and I realized how much I have changed (I'm not saying that to sound better-than. I'm saying that in relation to all the hard painful growth I've done). Everyone was nice enough but I didn't want to stay in touch. I also realized that I attracted certain friends due to my dysfunctional personality disordered family life.

In high school, I had other friends. I had a certain reputation around them--I was kind of hyper, ditzy, babbly, probably somewhat annoying-though-fun I think. I didn't mean to be, I know I was just reacting to the insanity at home. But unfortunately I attracted friends who kept me down to bring themselves up. They had a specific role for me to play, and they kept me in a certain box.

Whenever I saw these friends again, which wasn't that often because I needed to separate myself from people in order to get healthy, they seemed uncomfortable that I wasn't the same person. I had thought they'd be happy to see my changes and growth, but they weren't. I don't know if they were intimidated by it, or that they just needed to keep me down so they'd feel good about themselves.

Interestingly enough, one of my best friends I put on a pedestal. I followed her around like a puppy dog during high middle school and high school. Her parents didn't like me which I find hilarious because I wasn't a bad kid. I just wasn't an A honors student like she was. When I met up with her and her family recently, her sister in laws were so happy to see me. That was weird because they never liked me. They vented to me about her and I wasn't sure what to say. I handled everything with class and grace. I went home that night feeling good at my growth. But when their oldest daughter recently got married, I wasn't invited to the wedding. I was slightly hurt, but I think I understand why. They didn't like that I "upset the apple cart" by outgrowing my "fleas". Even a mutual friend was surprised I wasn't invited.

I have another friend who always seemed jealous of me when I had boyfriends, even though I never did anything to make her feel that way. She also used to tell her friends lies about me if they wanted to be friends with me, so they wouldn't like me. She was extremely possessive of her friends. When one of her friends asked me out, she couldn't handle it.

I used to vent to her about stuff that was going on at home, but she'd just listen and not really say anything. She was also kind of cold and unempathetic. We got married a month apart, so we had that in common and would often talk about that sort of thing which was nice. But she still always seemed jealous of me and so I'd always go out of my way to make her feel included and all that.

A few years ago, we got back in touch. I apologized to her for how I used to vent to her about my family problems. Since then, we'd meet for lunch or coffee once a month. Because of my growth, I was able to naturally figure out how to be a better friend to her. I would go out of my way to make sure times were convenient for her that we met. I would revolve conversation around her, always asking her questions about her job, her daughter, her hobby, her husband, and her parents. It seemed to always be pleasant spending time with her.

Whenever she'd ask me about my family/parents, I'd just say something like, "Oh I haven't seen them in a while" and I'd change the subject. But she'd keep asking. I could tell by her facial expression she was judging me for being a bad daughter. I tried not to let it get to me, but one day, I just calmly said, 'They're abusive" but she wouldn't accept that and still treated me like I was an awful child for not being in touch with them.

One day, she told me that her daughter got engaged and to "save the date". I was happy for her, but I also felt a tinge of remorse at the thought that I don't have children of my own to enjoy something like that. I also felt a tinge of fear of my husband not wanting to go because we'd probably get stuck being seated at the "miscellaneous table" with people I didn't know. I tried to be happy but I could tell it was too late as she likely saw my facial expression. Instead of asking me what my facial expression was about, I guess she decided to think the worst of me again.

The next four months we had plans to meet, she'd call me either the night before or that morning to cancel. Since I am learning not to be treated like a doormat anymore, and I'd often go out of my way to meet at a convenient place for her and not mind if she had to take work calls or whatever, and deal with her judging me about my family relationship, I called her asked her if she was "ghosting" me (I just learned that word recently). I said that I didn't understand why she kept cancelling on me and seemed to have no respect for my own schedule. She gave me an extremely cold, ___y answer that was basically, "Too bad, I don't care and I don't owe you an explanation". And that was that.

We were friends for a long time. But I think she is yet another example of a friend who liked me when I had "fleas" and wasn't exactly well myself, and couldn't handle it when I got healthy.

Sometimes this just makes me sad.

I realize now I attracted people who treated me like my parents or sisters did, because it was "familiar" and I thought that's all I deserved. So I know it's not really a loss to lose them, but it still feels like a loss. I know I'm better off not being friends with people who still want me to be the old me with all those "fleas" so they could feel better about themselves, but I still miss them. I guess an unhealthy friend was better than no friend at all.

It makes me curious, though, why so many of my friends did not accept the new me? I worked really hard to get to where I'm at. A lot of my family doesn't accept it either. They want me to be the box they put me in, I guess, so they can make fun of me and feel better about themselves. I had high hopes for a couple of family members, and although our last meetings went well, I'm not sure they know what to think. Plus there's still a smear campaign out there about me.

And it just seems making new friends is a struggle.

I was curious if anyone else had similar experiences, or any words of advice or support?

The only people who seem to have gone along with my chances and all that were my husband and my best friend (but she doesn't know a lot, because she doesn't understand the BPD/NPD stuff too much since she has a normal family. But she never treated me badly and has been supportive all throughout my growth. I see now that I chose her as a friend all those years ago because she was so normal and from a normal family).

Thanks in advance.

[Junebugg]

Hi again Peacefromwithin! I read your post before I saw who posted it, and when I clicked REPLY, I noticed it was you!

I was thinking the EXACT same thing the other day.  I am no longer friends with all of my friends from high school and middle school. Most of us just drifted apart due to time, but there were two in particular who as soon as I got to college and began to GROW and CHANGE, and learn how to live free of my mother, immediately didn't like me anymore, and verbalized it to my face (there's the abuse my mom gave me). I didn't view it as a loss because I always felt like they were 'just keeping me around' in middle school and high school anyway.  I slowly began to notice that those two were similar in personality to my mom, and the whole reason I was friends with them in the first place was because that was truly how I thought people behaved (so so sad).

My best friend has remained with me from the beginning, she actually has baggage of her own from her mother (her mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia after many years of hard drug abuse). We've grown and matured over the years and have helped guide each other through our dysfunctional upbringings. I am happy to say she is stable in her job/relationships and working on an engineering degree currently .

It sounds like you have changed for the better, and while it can't help but feel like a loss when you lose someone that used to be so significant in your life, people come and go in everyone's lives regardless of our experiences and upbringing.  If people don't like who you have become (EVEN if it's for the better), then they don't deserve to be in your life. You should continue to grow and develop into the person you want to become, it's not selfish at all to put your well-being and happiness first in your life!

It seems like you have the same sentiment, as follows: It is amazing though how I can look back on my life and realize how heavily my mom influenced me as a child.  I often think to myself, "how would my life be different if my mom wasn't afflicted with BPD". I definitely shouldn't ruminate on my past, and I am proud of the person I've become, but one can't help but wonder. Especially in regards to my friendships and relationships, I realize how heavily my mom's behaviors taught me to relate and communicate to/with other people as a child.

That's not who we are anymore and you should be incredibly proud of the obstacles you've overcome to become the well-adjusted person you are today.

[Roselily]

Hi Peace, yes I understand... .I have attracted narcissist for friends like blow flies... as friends... It's like I have a big sign in my head... " look! Use me! I'm available" ...  

When I've had enuff of the usage ... and confront them... they flip the switch trying to make me look like the bad guy in the friendship.When confront the flipping...
they may disappear... but that's good riddance and I have found the best way to weed out the users... I am an empath ... too so getting drawn into narc friendships is something I struggle with. I have gotton to where I see when it's not a two way friendship... I cut ties... where I used to would tolerate too much... We live and learn ... it takes time...

[Peacefromwithin]

Hi again Peacefromwithin! I read your post before I saw who posted it, and when I clicked REPLY, I noticed it was you!

Hi Junebugg!   I hope you're doing well.

I was thinking the EXACT same thing the other day.  I am no longer friends with all of my friends from high school and middle school. Most of us just drifted apart due to time, but there were two in particular who as soon as I got to college and began to GROW and CHANGE, and learn how to live free of my mother, immediately didn't like me anymore, and verbalized it to my face (there's the abuse my mom gave me). I didn't view it as a loss because I always felt like they were 'just keeping me around' in middle school and high school anyway.  I slowly began to notice that those two were similar in personality to my mom, and the whole reason I was friends with them in the first place was because that was truly how I thought people behaved (so so sad).

It really does help me a lot to know I'm not the only one alone thinking this way. I know a lot of people change and grow out of old friends. And I am grateful for the fact that I've grown where many of my old friends haven't grown much since the way they were in high school. But it just gets lonely sometimes.

I love your point about your noticing that two of your friends were similar in personality to your mom, and you just thought that was how people behaved. It's scary in hindsight to see how I was always attracted to people who treated me like she did, because it was my "norm".

My best friend has remained with me from the beginning, she actually has baggage of her own from her mother (her mom was diagnosed with schizophrenia after many years of hard drug abuse). We've grown and matured over the years and have helped guide each other through our dysfunctional upbringings. I am happy to say she is stable in her job/relationships and working on an engineering degree currently .

That is so cool you have a friend like that and you were both able to help each other grow into healthy stable adults. :-) My best friend doesn't understand all the family dysfunction I have shared with her here and there over the years, but I'd like to think she sees my "true self" underneath all the crap, and so focuses on that. I also was able to help her with some relationship stuff and when she went through a brief depression so I'd like to think I've been a good friend for her as she has been for me, even though I used to be extremely immature.

It sounds like you have changed for the better, and while it can't help but feel like a loss when you lose someone that used to be so significant in your life, people come and go in everyone's lives regardless of our experiences and upbringing.  If people don't like who you have become (EVEN if it's for the better), then they don't deserve to be in your life. You should continue to grow and develop into the person you want to become, it's not selfish at all to put your well-being and happiness first in your life!

Thank you. I'm still a work in progress but I've worked hard and have changed a lot. Not having family leaves such a boulder of a hole, and add to that friends--dysfunctional or not--just kinda adds to that feeling. But you make a great point that people who don't like the new healthy me don't deserve to be in my life.

It seems like you have the same sentiment, as follows: It is amazing though how I can look back on my life and realize how heavily my mom influenced me as a child.  I often think to myself, "how would my life be different if my mom wasn't afflicted with BPD". I definitely shouldn't ruminate on my past, and I am proud of the person I've become, but one can't help but wonder. Especially in regards to my friendships and relationships, I realize how heavily my mom's behaviors taught me to relate and communicate to/with other people as a child.

I also wonder what my life would've been like if I didn't have BPD/NPD parents. I'm sure I would've reached my potential. I wouldn't have suffered from life long depression and anxiety. But I guess it doesn't do me any good looking back. I've got to make the best of life going forward. I just hope one day I will attract healthy friends into my life. I still seem to attract unhealthy ones.

That's not who we are anymore and you should be incredibly proud of the obstacles you've overcome to become the well-adjusted person you are today.

I really appreciate that. We are survivors! 

[Peacefromwithin]

Hi Peace, yes I understand... .I have attracted narcissist for friends like blow flies... as friends... It's like I have a big sign in my head... " look! Use me! I'm available" ...  

Ack! Narcissist friends ain't no friend! . Hopefully with increased awareness and red flags you will not attract them anymore. My husband and I have one friend who is a narcissist. He's a childhood friend of my brother in laws. We kinda deal with him in short doses. It makes things a lot more manageable that way, . But boy is he a drama queen! I admit sometimes my husband and I poke fun of him after he leaves but that's just a release of tension. I try not to do that anymore because it's immature. I try to focus on the healthy part of him, and realize he's a narcissist due to childhood stuff. But my husband and I set boundaries with him and we don't expect him to act differently. No expectations helps to just let him be.

When I've had enuff of the usage ... and confront them... they flip the switch trying to make me look like the bad guy in the friendship.When confront the flipping...
they may disappear... but that's good riddance and I have found the best way to weed out the users... I am an empath ... too so getting drawn into narc friendships is something I struggle with. I have gotton to where I see when it's not a two way friendship... I cut ties... where I used to would tolerate too much... We live and learn ... it takes time...

That's fantastic you confront them. It sounds like you have excellent awareness of their behavior instead of letting them make you think it's you who is the bad guy. That's so healthy! I hope you will set boundaries to not allow yourself to be used. I've learned that and it helps weed those people out quickly.

I'm an empath, too, although I don't like to label myself. But I will not put up with anyone's drama anymore because it sucks the life out of me. That's not friendship. I used to put up with a lot too. Especially with my parents just venting, raging, and ranting for however long it took them to feel better. 

May we all find healthy friendships that we deserve!