Just another day

[Emotions]

Today just another day... .I didn't sleep great last night, and thus I'm finding it more difficult to focus on the me and I am feeling the conflict in accepting that she has simply let go and moved on to another relationship. It's not that hard of a concept to understand, however, my mind keeps going, why did she move on? You loved her so much? And then it answers, you know why she moved on, she just wanted to. This guy was a lot closer and younger and has new things in common with her... .SO the part that I am trying to put in my brain, is that they may or may not be better suited for each other, but I need to find someone or something better suited for me... .I need to do activities that are genuinely worthwhile to me, and I need to connect to my center and other people that will treat me with love and respect... .it feels slow paced and intimidating, but I HAVE TO REMEMBER this is what I prayed for so many times! I need stimulating conversations with people, not just the same old confusion and convoluted accusations and anxieties me and her shared... .what I keep wishing was that she used our time apart wisely and to work on herself. I have such a deeper understanding and patience for what could have been... .perhaps she is also learning herself better and just was ready to move on, or perhaps if we were back together the relationship would once again start slowly eating away at who I am and slowly forming who she wanted me to be... .anyway just needed to write these thoughts down and get them out. Thanks for listening... .

[Mutt]

Hi Emotions,

what I keep wishing was that she used our time apart wisely and to work on herself.

I think that you might be at the bargaining stage in the five stages of grief.

The breakup of a marriage or long-term relationship can trigger similar grieving responses to the death of a spouse.

There are 5 common stages of grief that a person goes through.  These stages were first identified by the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, M.D. when she spoke at the The Ingersoll Lectures on Human Immortality at Harvard University in 1970.

Where are you in the process? 
What have you struggled with?  How might you have approached it differently?
How has your perspective changed as you have gone through the stages?
What have you struggled with?
Skippy

The five stages of grief are:


Bargaining
You try to negotiate to change the situation.
In the Kübler-Ross model, if you've lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I'll be a better person if you'd just bring him back". In a relationship, you might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you'll stay, I'll change". 
Bargaining is that stage of the break-up when you’re trying to make deals and compromises. It’s when you start talking about how an open relationship might be a possibility or a long-distance thing could work. It’s when you say to your partner, “if you just did this then I could do that and it would work”. It’s when you say to yourself that you’ll do x, y, z to be a better spouse so that the relationship doesn’t have to end.

I recall thinking about things that happened in the past and if I had handled it differently would I have been able to save the r/s. It was hard letting go because the break up was real, I didn't want to accept it. I felt a lot of loss, I missed her family because her family was close, whereas my family members are avoidant. Where you thinking about this last night? You mentioned activities, what are your hobbies? What do you do for self care?

[Emotions]

Well I stayed in a hotel last night with my mom brother and step dad... .it reminded me of when my ex and I used to travel... .we would fly in and out of vegas, and in doing so we would share a room with my mom and brother in a hotel... .also the room I stayed in last night looked out on the interstate that would take me down to Dallas, where she lives now... .so this was my trigger, although I still have quite a few triggers... .I am out of town so the hobbies that I picked up on are hard to ATM, but I have lots of family around to occupy my time... .some things I will do when I get home are play tennis, look for a second early morning job, my friend gave me a drum set so I'm gonna make some noise with that... .al anon meetings, and maybe ride my bike around... .I think that with house chores, walks and taking care of myself will keep me busy... .If life could drop a kind loyal beautiful woman on the inside and out for me I wouldn't be upset about that either ... .if not I'll keep my head up and shine as much light on others as I have energy for... .thanks for asking mutt.

[roberto516]

but I HAVE TO REMEMBER this is what I prayed for so many times!

This is the greatest irony for so many of us. The nights laying on the couch when she'd go to sleep on a Friday at 8pm after asking me to come over with plans of going out and I'd be thinking in my head "How am I going to get out of this relationship?" "I'm not happy here." "I feel absolutely miserable." And now that I finally got it I feel 100x worse than the darkest moment that I was with her (maybe... .our brains tend to minimize the past and focus on the present. For all the pain I've experienced since the breakup I haven't had that deep void in my stomach and the choking in the throat of utter loneliness and unhappiness like I did the few times I was with her.)

You're doing great work brother. To respond to the difficulty of the interstate and staying in a hotel, etc it's so hard to get over the triggers. Trust me. Do you know I haven't watched TV outside of the NBA finals in about 2 months? Literally, not a show, movie or anything. Kinda freeing in a way but it's because of the triggers. I can't see anything with love. Can't risk seeing a show we would watch. But your brain will get numb to those memories.

I actually worked out yesterday and had music on which me and my first BPD traits ex loved. And I had to consciously remind myself that after that relationship ended 5 years ago you couldn't have paid me to listen to those songs. Now? I had to consciously remind myself it WAS something that we had shared. It had become solely mine again over time and there was no conscious link to her anymore with the songs.

I'm not living proof now obviously but I am living proof based off my first relationship that these things will be desensitized to us eventually. It will just take time. You're on the right path.