Until I can show her I love her I can't come home

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife went on a rage after she was down. She doesn't feel I calmed her and "talked" about how she was feeling. She spiraled into a rage kicking me out of the house. I was afraid of letting her talk about her feelings for fear she would bring up the past and blame me for her feelings of self worth and split projecting her anger on me. I felt like if I talked about it she would get worse, been there done that, and she felt because I didn't comfort her (which isn't possible I feel) I didn't love her. She raged and everyone was black, but I was even worse. No logic and her feelings have been this way for over a week.

Now she says "I'm not allowed to call or text". I'm not allowed to come back home until I've "figured out" how to show her love. When I asked her "So you want me to change your feelings about how you feel, whether I love you, I'm not allowed to come home?". She thinks that's rational.

What boundary do I set that disallows her to control my life? Staying away for me is good because I won't have to have her pick fights and stay calm. But at this point, she thinks it is her idea and control to keep me away verses the other way around.

Any advice would be good. I'm new to this after just learning (myself) that she has BPD.

[hubbyNeedsHelp]

My wife went on a rage after she was down. She doesn't feel I calmed her and "talked" about how she was feeling. She spiraled into a rage kicking me out of the house. I was afraid of letting her talk about her feelings for fear she would bring up the past and blame me for her feelings of self worth and split projecting her anger on me. I felt like if I talked about it she would get worse, been there done that, and she felt because I didn't comfort her (which isn't possible I feel) I didn't love her. She raged and everyone was black, but I was even worse. No logic and her feelings have been this way for over a week.

Now she says "I'm not allowed to call or text". I'm not allowed to come back home until I've "figured out" how to show her love. When I asked her "So you want me to change your feelings about how you feel, whether I love you, I'm not allowed to come home?". She thinks that's rational.

What boundary do I set that disallows her to control my life? Staying away for me is good because I won't have to have her pick fights and stay calm. But at this point, she thinks it is her idea and control to keep me away verses the other way around.

Any advice would be good. I'm new to this after just learning (myself) that she has BPD.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sluggo]

Hubbyneedsehelp,

I am very sorry you are going through this.  Most if not all have been through, going through, very similar situations.  How long have you been in this relationship?  What is your story.  How did you end up here.  Maybe talking about it and sharing your story we can learn more about you and what is happening now. 

I was in a similar situation.  I had many of these 'proof' of love that I gave my wife to prove to her that I loved her.  It happened over many years.  The more proof I gave the more she wanted.  I ended up proving my love by:  ceasing all contact with my family, not visiting my father when he was in hospice - I only saw him 2 times with my wife, I stopped reading bed time stories to my children to spend more time with her in the evening, I stopped all activities outside the home and only did the ones she 'allowed' me to do, I did not go see my son play football as my wife did not want me to go, and the list goes on.  However, it never satisfied for very long. 

I say all this as I do not know what the right answer is.  But proving love to someone with someone like my wife was trying to fill a pool up with water when their is a leak in it.  Over the years the leak got bigger and I tried harder and harder.  I gave up everything I could to prove this love.  It did not work though.  Matter of fact, the 'proving' actually made things worse for me. 

 

[hubbyNeedsHelp]

I appreciate your reply.

I have been married for over 30 years. Over the years her BPD has shown itself more often. Now that the Children are gone from home she feels abandoned. She feels that her life was robbed from her, mostly because I didn't make her feel fulfilled. She states her father never helped support her or come to her defense and she waited for her prince to do that for her. IE: She had a hard time with conflict and always withdrew from her more than 5 siblings, hoping her to-be husband would fulfill her. All the memories of hard times raising kids and getting angry haunt her and of course she blames me for this... .not being there because I had more important things to do, like make a living.

I've learned through the years that any promise or even hint that I will do something with lack of follow up makes her feel that I don't love her. I've ignored my family because she feels threatened and hurt by all of them. She has no friends as everyone at some point does something wrong to offend her and she feels that no one cares about her. Every time anyone, especially children offend her she always turns the anger and angst against me with replaying memories and blaming about how bad her life is/was. In fact we've had a great life and many memories that she can't seem to bring out as the bad conflict times always play on top. She claims the children are just like me, I've taught them all how to be selfish. (I suspect my oldest also has BPD and they conflict more and more)

She wants to run away from home and go some where else away from everyone and her kids, even though we have great kids with amazing grandchildren. She claims to others that she can't build up the nerve to tell me that she's done and move back to California. She has stated she's seeing a therapist to help her build up the nerve to "move on" but claims at 55 life is over. She feels trapped... .not able to go somewhere else because she'll miss her grandkids.

My frustration is not knowing what to do. I've read all the information about setting boundries and found as of recently it gets her even more inflamed. I'm having a difficult time understanding how to say "I'm setting boundries for myself because I'm worth not arguing and I can't control my own anger when we talk like this". This results in her saying... ."There you go, it's always about you, see you don't love me and all your care about is yourself". How is this done? What makes people like this eventually seek out the right help? Do you just accept not being around them with the more constant questions of "Why are you so damn selfish?" and the continual splitting?