hopefulbuthurt
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1
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« on: June 30, 2017, 10:07:34 AM » |
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Hi all, I am glad to find this site and community. I need it. I'll start by introducing myself and provide helpful background.
I'm in my mid-thirties, and have an older sister who was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago. After an incredibly tumultuous childhood and life without being able to make sense of our relationship, her relationship with my parents, or strange and scary events that occurred throughout so much of my life, it felt powerful to have a diagnosis in place. It validated what I had known all along, which was that something just didn't seem right with my sister, and I'd known it since I was very, very little. My childhood was one of blurred memories of being literally terrified of my sister. I do know that there were instances of what I now know, as an adult, was abuse. I grew up and moved out of that home with a significant anxiety disorder, which I was never able to understand until I started putting the pieces together as adult. My home was often in chaos. My sister demanded much of the attention. My parents always seemed to struggle through life with my sister. Nothing made sense. My life was often upside down. In fairness, I do think my parents made some seriously wrong decisions in the process of dealing with all of it, as well as contributing their own baggage to our upbringing, but, all that said, I do not think my parents are evil people or that they 'caused' my sister's disorder, which I sometimes see referenced in the books and materials that surround the diagnosis. In the end, I'm trying to stay present in the here and now, and right now, I'm an adult, and I'm overwhelmed and feeling very alone in having a sister with this diagnosis.
For so many years, I've had an on again and off again relationship with her. The behaviors were so hurtful, and the scenes of rage and lashing out to me and others were so painful to bear, that I have constantly distanced when needed in order to keep my life together - my business, my own friendships, my marriage. I had periods of crying on the bathroom floor early in my marriage to my husband, simply because I was so sad to watch my sister live through cycles of destruction and to feel her pain and be unable to do anything to help her out of it. I realized then that I had to empower myself to the best of my ability, take breaks as needed, and seek my own counseling support for coming to terms with this and other challenges I face now in managing my own health and wellbeing. I'm proud to say I've sought therapy throughout my life when needed, and it has saved me, 100%. I have largely focused much of my therapy on my relationship with my sister, to no surprise, and it has and continues to give me some outlet, which I know is critical and helpful.
For context, and perhaps it is helpful for anyone else out there reading, that immediately after my sister's diagnosis and her beginning meds and therapy, we were immensely hopeful. Finally, things would be OK! Well, while I am hugely grateful that that step happened, our family realizes now that it was a naiive viewpoint to have. The rollercoaster continued, and it was very, very hard for several years after her diagnosis. Understandably, she had to work through acceptance of what life had handed her, and that was terribly hard and sad for us as her family to watch. But, there is a silver lining (somewhat) to offer others - she has started to make serious strides on accepting it, her limitations, and has even gone back into a fulltime job with (so far) good success. Our family watches nervously from the sidelines, knowing that stress and too many demands can offset another flip upside down, but we have learned to be grateful at the steps forward, nonetheless. For several months recently, for the first time in my entire life, I felt like I had an older sister. I cannot tell you guys how wonderfully intoxicating and happy it made me to be able to stop by and watch a TV show with her, to grab a meal with her (she recently moved nearby to me), etc. I just had such a sense of peace. It allowed me to focus more on my own life for awhile, which I really needed. I'm sure I need to get better at that, but I'm working on it.
There are a few things I'm really struggling with as an adult now in my mid-thirties. I'm tired of having to manage the relationship all the time. I cannot invite her to many things in my life, because in the past, when I have, it has caused me significant stress either due to strange behaviors, things said to hurt others, extreme emotional reactions, etc. I do include her a few times a year, but as an adult, I've just had to accept that I have to keep firm boundaries in place given the inconsistencies in never knowing what I will get. It's too stressful for me and my life, so I manage it accordingly. But it sucks. I made major strides in recent years and started to tell a few close friends about the severity of her condition, but when it comes to the general population and most of the people I know, I always feel like I have to keep some secret which is harmful to me. She is in the same city, and trying to have a normal life. I am trying to be respecful of the stigma that exists, but where do I find solace in that? I'm tired of not being able to tell the world about the pain I feel, that I will never have a normal sister. I grieve it every single day of my life. I'm tired of feeling that even in close friends, literally NO ONE I know has ever had a sibling with the same diagnosis, so they either look at me like I have 5 heads when I try and talk about it or they offer up the most ridiculous advice that only makes me more sad and feeling more isolated and alone.
I have two parents who are growing older and have now retired and will soon need to move away. The reality is, while they are very supportive and plan to be here or even allow her to move with them, if needed, at some point soon, this will fall on me to help steer and manage. It already does. So I guess I'm just trying to find more support and acceptance myself. Maybe I will find that here.
Recently, I saw an episode of my sister's behavior that involved all of the symptoms in the books - severe paranoia, things not making sense... .you name it. I know now that likely my sister is experiencing a 'dissociated state' as my therapist advises, and I know this will come and go, but to be honest, these episodes traumatize me. Severely. They bring back memories of abuse, a volatile home, everything. So, despite months of being very stable and seeming 'on track', the recent time I saw her was seriously sad for me. The next day I couldn't even get out of bed because it triggered so many sad memories for me and then I felt so incredibly sad for her for life handing her this. She didn't ask for it. It's not fair. I worry for her future. I worry for my future.
Anyhow, so, that's me and my life relative to BPD. I'm simply an adult, trying to find a community where I won't feel so incredibly alone in dealing with her pain, my own pain, and in the chaos around this diagnosis that I literally feel so impacted by and yet so few people in my world know or will ever understand.
I would appreciate hearing from others about how they've evolved to have any sort of 'healthy' or 'sustainable' relationships with their family members inside of the diagnosis. Any tips on self care? I'll take anything.
I am doing my part, as well. I ordered all the books 'stop walking on eggshells' and 'i hate you dont leave me' and the 'family guide to BPD', which I've finally been able to bring myself to reading, starting this week. I think I just had to mentally get myself to a place of accepting the seriousness of this diagnosis, and that I need to get more educated about it. I also go to weekly counseling, and recently found out my therapist has some expertise in dealing with BPD patients, so I know that will be helpful to leverage as well. I do get treated for situational depression, and am happily finding that a low dose antidepressant is really helping to deal with the mental stress I have around this topic and coming to terms with my past.
That's me. Looking forward to making some new friends here. I could use it. Also, has anyone found support groups to be helpful? I hear mixed things, but have been thinking more about trying to find one... .I'm nervous it'll make me more sad.
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