Borderline Personaility Mother

[mad789]

Hi everyone,

My mother recently was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I have moved out of home with my boyfriend. However, my Dad, brother and sister experience her mood swings and emotional abuse daily at home. I feel helpless and am in the process of creating boundaries. Has anyone stopped talking to their mother?

[HappyChappy]

Hi,

You will find people on here who are low contact (LC), no contact (NC) and fully engaged. All are valid approaches. As children of BPD we are taught to put our BPD first and ourselves last. But if you need to heal, you need to consider you needs first, and see what else that allows. If you tell us what you need, and why you are considering this currently, it would help us  give you a fuller answer. But the fact your mother has been diagnosed, is excellent news. Not many with BPD will allow or accept a diagnosis. So that's all good.

[Panda39]

Hi mad789,

I want to join Happy Chappy and welcome you to the BPD Family 

You are absolutely not alone with your "no contact" question.  I just wrote the following response to another member last night and thought I'd share it with you too.

I'm on these boards because my significant other has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife and they share 2 daughters... .so I'm coming at this from a different angle than you are. 

I've watched both daughters deal with similar stuff with their mom and the younger daughter like you also has PTSD.

No one can decide for you if you go no contact with your mom it really is your choice.  However, I wanted to point out that there are a lot of choices in between "too much" intrusive contact and no contact forever. 

You could work on your boundaries and make contact with her more do-able for you.
You could just be in contact via phone calls or email only... .nothing in person
You could limit your contact and see her once a week, once a month, or on her birthday whatever works for you.
You could go no contact for a month, for 6 months, for a year... .take a break work with your therapist on strategies that might be more effective in the future.
You could go no contact forever.
Or you could do a combination of things.

It does not have to be all or nothing forever.

My SO's daughters both handle their mother in their own way.  D16 talks with her on the phone, texts and occasionally will meet her for coffee.  D20 has minimal contact with her mother only very occasional email contact.

Based on my SO's D20 who has essentially gone no contact it seems to be a mixed bag, it creates that hard boundary where she doesn't let her mom in so her mom can no longer hurt her.  The flip side is guilt, is that other people have a hard time understanding it, and that a piece of going no contact is also (in her case) punishing her mom (which is not  healthy for D20).

I can't tell you what is best for you only you can decide.  Just weigh as many options has you can and do what's best for you, but always know that if you find one thing doesn't work you can always try something else.  This is about your well being.

Panda39