Daughter in law

[Beachmomdk]

Hi,
I have a daughter in law with BPD traits.  I am at a loss on how to deal with her. Her moods change constantly during the day. My son, her and my grandson live with us. But they are relocating to a different state because she thinks I am so awful... .one minute I am great the next minute I am the worst person in the world. She threatens to take my grandson away And I can never see him again... .she has my son thinking I am awful. My DIL does nothing all day but sit on her phone and binge watch tv. I watch my grandson, feed him. Bath time and books. I am always walking on eggshells, wondering what mood she is in, whether I said something wrong and she reads into everything I say or write and says it is about her. It is exhausting... .I just want to deal with her and have a relationship with my grandson.
Ty

[Turkish]

With an undiagnosed Ex, and a diagnosed mother with BPD,  I get that we have a hard time seeing the triggers.  Even so,  what kinds of things do you think trigger her?

It certainly is hurtful, taking so much care of your grand baby, yet taking so much flak and drama regardless.

[Beachmomdk]

Hi,
I am not sure what tiggers her honestly. They live in granny flat outside and when she comes in house to use kitchen she can be in  one mood, then half later a different one. My son went on a guy trip for 3 days and she didn't talk to us for the entire time... .like it was our fault he was gone.  We had been manipulated into trying to buy a house for them even though neither one worked. My son is trying to get on fire dept and when that felll threw all h-ll broke loose.  So he took a job out of state so they could get away from me... .honestly after 4 years of living with her I didn't care if I died. Death was less stressful... so I am glad they are leaving but in the meantime she and my son wrote horrible nasty letters too me. Filled with ridiculous accusations. My other son says they are insane... they will not make much money but she said we will live on love. I told my husband no more money since we have been supporting them for the last 4 years. I have bought everything for my grandson... they still have the nerve to think we will buy them a house were they are living and now act like nothing is wrong. She went to visit her family for 3 weeks when the letters were given to me. My son said she is not contacting me or sending me pics of my gs while she is there. Honesty I needed a break so I just blocked her. Then apparently a couple weeks into her visit she was sending me pic which I didn't get. My ds asked if I got them I said nope resend them.  Now she comes home acts like nothing is wrong she didn't write the most hurtful letter a mom or person can get. My son is also part of it but he does what ever she wants to make her happy, she was his first gf ever married 10 months after meeting. She was 19 he was 22. So triggers I am still learning if you are giving her things she is happy. Oh and I have found clothes and items of mine missing over the years and show up with her. I never say anything because that would tigger a blow up and my son and her would say you gave these to me and your lying if I say I didn't... .

[Pilpel]

Beachmomdk,

I feel for  you.  I'm dealing with a SIL that I believe is undiagnosed NPD.  I see some similarities.  For years, I was very generous with her.  I often felt like a servant in some fantastical kingdom, making an offering in the hopes of appeasing the queen. My whole family walked on eggshells around her, and I would wrack my brain trying to anticipate and avoid anything that would make her angry.  But after over 12 years, I regret all the bending over backwards I did to try to make her happy.  It never amounted to anything.

Focus on defining and protecting your boundaries, not on trying to figure out how to keep her appeased.  No matter what she says, her unhappiness and moods have nothing to do with you.  My SIL is a walking red flag of dysfunction.  She's not really capable of hiding her narcissism.   She gets into conflicts with pretty much everyone in her life. My family and our mutual friends are all pretty passive turn the other cheek Christians.  So it's been interesting to see how people respond to her --they either avoid her as much as they can or they are forced to toughen up and set boundaries.  And for those who toughen up, it's a real moment of personal growth.

As far as the moods go... .What I've noticed with my SIL is that she has a completely different reality going on in her head than everyone else.  In her reality, she's the center.  If it fits her reality that we're best friends, then she treats me like best friends, and she dominates the conversation because she doesn't really know how to have a normal give and take. When people around her don't follow the narrative she has going on in her head and when things don't follow her plan, that's when she starts to get moody, sometimes even getting into a rage.  BTW, if you've read Stop Walking on Eggshells, I recommend trying out the method of reflective talking that it suggests.  It isn't perfect, but it can help to de-escalate bad moods and rages. 

[Beachmomdk]

Hi
I am not even sure how to read my daughter in law they came over last night and she wouldn't talk to me other than a few sentences... .but my sister and niece who are visiting she was all over talking to them... Honestly I just wanted to see my grandson who came over he was all about grandma... .but I was still walking on egg shells watching what I say. I have lost almost 20 lbs from the stress... .I am half way through the book... .it is hard to talk to my DIL bc she barely if any talks to me... .she listens to what I say to other people and my grandson who is two and twists and analyzes my words and turns it into what she thinks she heard.  And they will tell my son if she didn't like it and I will get a nasty letter or text about what I said. Which usually is insane... .

[Pilpel]

Beachmonkdk,

I am so sorry to read about what you're going through.  When my SIL would come after me with some accusation, I would also get very anxious and lose weight too.  And I've seen other people have run ins with my SIL and seen how stressful, and sometimes even shakes people to the core.  For me --and I see this in my parents too-- a person with BPD or NPD has a way of relentlessly crossing boundaries.  And my family is very passive.  I'm used to thinking the best of people, of assuming other people are equally or more rational than myself.  So when my SIL would do something that was crazy and crossed my boundaries, I felt like a deer in headlights. It makes things worse knowing that if you try to confront her, she's likely to go on the attack and twist facts around further. 

I think for me, though, part of the internal struggle was that on one hand I really didn't enjoy my relationship with her.  Even when she's being nice and sweet, it isn't a natural relationship.  But I was afraid of ending the relationship.  I wasn't afraid of her or my brother ending it.  She needs me too much.  I was afraid that I would reach my breaking point and cut them out of my life.  And I was afraid of what that would mean, and if I would regret it.  It took years, and reading through many of her accusatory emails before I got to the point where I realized I could cut them off.  Not saying I have cut them off.  But it's helped getting to the point where I'm at peace if it comes to it.  It's helped me take a step back, so to speak. 

It's good that you're reading books about this and interacting on this message board.  I was on this message board for awhile before the I started to see the things in my own life.  Like I remember reading people talking about Fear Obligation and Guilt over and over again.  And then I got an email from my SIL that sent me into shock.  But after a couple days, I read it again and realized "Oh, this is that Fear Obligation and Guilt I've been reading about."  For some reason it took awhile to recognize FOG when SIL was using it on me.  But once I recognized it, it took a lot of the edge off. 

With all the stress you're feeling from this relationship, have you also looked into talking to a therapist?  That might be helpful, too, if you find a really good one.  One thing I learned is that you can't hope to change the person with a PD.  You can only change how you respond to that person, and how you manage and protect your own emotions and reality.

I wish you all the best.       

[Beachmomdk]

Aww thank you. I am in therapy which is when my therapist said I can diagnose her without seeing her but she sounds like she may have borderline personality disorder and a few other things and it is not your fault. Honestly the one thing that upsets me is how different my son is. He use to be this happy go lucky fun loving guy before he meet her, now he is a mean, scared person who follows her orders. My older son says he is not all the same brother he knew. I also feel sorry for my grandson. She is fine one min and mad the next I have seen her hit her dog and suspected she has hurt mine before. But that is the thing I can't prove she hit mine and she denies hitting hers. Also she steals from me and I find my things up,for sale online. But I gave her some clothes when I first felt bad for her bc she didn't have much and she asked if she could sell the ones that didn't fit. I said sure someone showed me the site and there were thing on there I am sure I didn't give her. And I found a few other things missing I know I didn't give her in her room when I was babysitting looking for something for my grandson. Needless to,say I was shocked and if she would have asked I would have gladly given them to her... .Anyway I am trying to learn how to keep the peace... .I just wonder if my son will figure it out some day or if he has issue also... .
Ty for listening