I've been on a long journey

[Feeling Better]

I've been on a long journey... .and I am still on it, still learning. In recent years I have been on an emotional roller coaster, knowing my son had a problem, but not knowing what on earth it was.
He had always been over sensitive when he was a little boy and I always used to give him lots of love and cuddles and hoped that he would grow out of it as he got older, never thinking for one second that there might be anything wrong with him.
He is 35 years old now, he virtually left home at the age of 18, going first to university and then spending many years traveling and working abroad, so the times that we spent together were few and far between. He came back home about 5 years ago, to settle, but this time it was different, I felt that he had changed, he was controlling and argumentative, not like the son I used to know. He had had a traumatic experience 3-4 months prior to coming home and I, looking for answers, started my quest to find out what was happening to my son. Since then I had always wondered whether he was suffering from ptsd and, especially as, during that time, he'd had an argument with his sister over something very petty, which spiraled out of control, he got very angry and intimidating and I felt the need to intervene. The aftermath from that was terrible, he blamed me for everything, he said I'd sided with my daughter over him and every chance he got he re-enacted with full aggression, the whole argument, he just couldn't get over it and was unable to put it behind him no matter how many times I apologised. In fact whenever I apologised, he thanked me, hugged me and said that he felt much better, I would then think that everything was ok until the next time I saw him and the re-enactment would start all over again. He said more than once that he was going to see a doctor but whenever I asked him if he had he replied, no, as he was feeling alright now. 2 years ago we both agreed to try counselling to try and fix our damaged relationship, but after a year of that he left and went to work abroad again. Since then he has wanted nothing to do with me and I began to reach the depths of despair, not even wanting to live knowing that my son hated and despised me (he had previously told me this). When we finished seeing the counsellor she told me that she thought my son had BPD. I became very confused for a time, had he got BPD? or ptsd as I had originally thought? or even both? I searched for hours and hours looking for answers, trying desperately to find why everything had fallen apart between me and my son. Luckily I managed to find this site as I'd become so desperate, looking to find some support for myself, afraid that I wouldn't be able to cope anymore on my own. What an eye opener it has been, I now feel that I can cope and I have greater understanding of what my son is potentially going through and I also have more understanding of his black and white thinking. So thank you for having this wonderful site, and thank you to the people who have written their stories and the ones who wrote replies, I have read so much here and you have all helped me immensely x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello Feeling Better and welcome to bpdfamily   I'm so glad you found us and posted!

That is a long journey you've been on, thank you for sharing with us, you've come to the right place for support   it's great to hear the resources have helped you, me too  Understanding the disorder helps moving forwards, acceptance of what is, is.

You must miss your son deeply, how are you coping? Is he in contact with anyone?

I encourage you to keep posting with us here, it really does help.

WDx

[Feeling Better]

Thank you wendydarling for your kind comments they are really appreciated
Yes, I do miss my son and I miss the close relationship we once shared, but in some ways, and I do not mean this in a bad way, I am relieved that I no longer have to feel as if I'm treading on eggshells and my stomach no longer twists in knots but I do worry about him and wonder how he is and what he is doing. It is hard because I know he doesn't want me in his life anymore. I am coping much better now that I'm starting to understand what's going on inside his head. To be honest I try not to dwell on it these days, because I know if I start thinking too much it brings me down but I do think about him every day I can't help it. The hardest thing is taking care of myself, I guess in some ways I feel that I don't deserve it, as if it feels wrong somehow while my son is having to deal with what he is going through. I keep working on it.
I can contact my son via email but he has asked me to leave him alone so I've just checked a couple of times that he is alright and thankfully he has replied with "I'm ok" and I am grateful for that. He hates his sister who he had the argument with but I have another daughter and he is in contact with her which is a good thing.

[Feeling Better]

I don't know what to do with my son, he has come back for a few days and he asked if he could call by for some stuff. When I saw him and the look on his face I felt so helpless. Every bit of the pain he is feeling is in his eyes and written all over his face. I wish there was something I could do to ease his pain but he has a defence mechanism that is impenetrable. When he left I asked for a kiss but he refused and so I had to let him walk away from me yet again. I was a total mess for the rest of the day, I am slowly getting myself back together again. I try not to think about it too much as the pain of knowing that I mean nothing to him is almost unbearable. I don't know what to do, I know I have been split black for all time, or so it seems, as he has no need to have anything to do with me, and no wish to either. Has anyone else been in this position?