Frustrated and confused

[Bassackwardslife]

I am struggling with a BP wife. I have read through Stop Walking several times and it is a bit overwhelming. I tend to do ok when I am immersed in the book, but seem to forget what I have learned once the insanity starts. I am very weary from the "do more try harder" way of life I have been living for 12 years. It just doesn't seem to help and in fact I think it makes things worse. I struggle with how to balance my frustration and anger at my constantly assaulted boundaries along with my compassionate heart. I also feel very alone and isolated. She purposely embarrasses me in every social and professional setting causing me to not want to be around other people. I know I can't continue to be isolated. I am hoping that this community can encourage me and help me to stand my ground in a loving and compassionate way. I do love my wife, but this is really hard. Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

HI bassackwardslife,

Welcome to the boards!

Sorry for the delayed greeting. I was out of town for the holiday. I hope you can also find the support and help that you need here. There are a lot of people going through many of the same things you experience. We have a lot of workshops on the right side of the page that can help you learn more about your relationship and how to communicate better. This is a great starting place. Looking forward to getting to know you and more about your relationship.

[Love Healing]

I hear you on forgetting in the moment what we are to do!  I had the same problem when I was reading the stuff for the spouse, and then going blank in every situation I needed it.  I am in an unusual situation where I live in a country with no mental health, so now I am schooling myself on the therapies to help my fiancé with BPD.  I actually found the therapies EXTEMELY effective for me!  I began mindfulness training, and now when a crisis hits, I can slow down and deal with things mindfully, remembering what I need to do.  I also have the worksheets to go through situations that arise and how we can think up different ways to deal with them.  I also found them effective for me!  Maybe try the BPD therapies yourself, and then as you put them into practice, you can create the example you need her to follow.  I think with all this enmeshment that happens, we begin experiencing the BPD ourselves, so the therapy is extremely helpful to start grounding everything and making a stable environment when all the chaos hits.  I would also say, even now when I get thrown off and do not know what to do, I take a break from the love relationship (and physical distance), and maintain a friendship where I want to love and support my fiancé, and then slowly I begin to realize where we got stuck.  It is often some emotion he is having that I don't know where it was coming from... .but then after a couple day break it starts to him me, and then I can clear it for him with a mindful dialogue separating emotion, from thought, and then real experience and truth statements about how we can do what we need to do without being stuck.  I hope this helps!

[Bassackwardslife]

Thanks for responding. I had begun to think I wasn't "live". Not only do I forget to use the tools, I feel guilty for setting boundaries because she acts like it hurts so bad. She can melt me and then I end up stuffing my needs until the next crisis. This has been going on for years. For example, I used to have friends until I married her. Now I have zero friends and anytime I attempt to make friends she runs them off with bizzare behavior or she embarrasses me until I bail. Mine was cheated on by her first husband and so she asked if I would allow her to see where I am through my iPhone phone finder. I said no problem because I don't have anything to hide. This was a huge mistake, but now when I threaten to turn it off, she then says that this is proof that I am going to have an affair. She uses this as a control mechanism. Another example is with money. I give her a great lifestyle. She doesn't work and has the money to do as she pleases. The few times I have asked for temporary restraint, she does the opposite out of disrespect. When I cut the AM EX off, she just wailed and made me feel so terrible. I am really struggling.