Finding a therapist

[Shade]

Hello,
I have known for most of my life, that my Mother would be a threat and a problem for me to deal with.   Since the age of 8/9.
I am 56.  After my brother, brought new information into the mix, 5/6 years ago, that changed everything, and brought into focus, "what exactly is wrong with Mom".  It's been really painful, and scary, how she fits perfectly into the Narc/BPD descriptors.  I thought it would be a relief, and maybe it is, but mostly I feel like ,wow I'm in big trouble here.  I obviously, through much reading, and you tube videos,  see my issues as a result of being exposed to her.   I had been able to go no contact for 9 months, until recently , because my Narc/BPD mother, has started to experience health issues, whether they are fabricated, for attention is always a possibility.  My assistance has been requested, from one of my two other siblings, who is already taking care of my father, and running his business.  ANYWAY,  I can't put off therapy any more.  I need to start the process.  The McBride website offers at least one option for me, a nearby state, I may be able to manage.  I am overwhelmed, at the prospect, but also anxious and excited about finally being able to talk to someone "who gets it".  I can't emphasize how awful it is to try and make someone understand, what it's like to be around a parent who is a cluster b, only to have them really not get it.  It's like reliving the trauma, for me.  Soo, finding the right therapist, is imperative.  I am also somewhat overwhelmed with the vast selection, of reading material, and would welcome suggestions.  I also am wondering if there are any DVDs, because listening to a voice, that is clear and calm, is better than my own frantic inner dialogue I sometimes experience when I am trying to process all the information while reading, I would like to have options, choices so that I continue to move forward in recovery.  I am not too ashamed to admit that the thought of being around my Mother, is disheartening.  Like taking a step back.  I feel like it's walking into a trap, or a Lions den.  If I am not able to connect, with the more experienced therapist I am thinking of because of insurance limitations,  how do I find a qualified therapist in my state.  What does the process, entail?  Has anyone done this?   One of my siblings goes to a ACA support group, and is really great at connecting with people, I always feel slightly skeptical(trust issues, cynical, and skeptical anyway), if recovery can occur in such a setting, where everyone is struggling?  I admittedly feel, so lonely in all of this, and want to be able to openly talk about, my issues, and receive direction, and guidance to help me with those issues.  I am really at the beginning of my journey, and try not to let my expectations of myself, and where I think I should be in my recovery, hinder reaching out.  Shade

[Mutt]

Hi Shade,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you have found us. I can see how overwhelming therapy would and confusing on where to start with learning yourself and the disorder. I just want to say that I was a non married to a woman with BPD traits, so I completely understand what life is like with a person with traits of a cluster B personality disorder is like, she took a lot of place, it was a lot of drama and chaos but I did live it in the exact same perspective as you. I'm sure that someone else here has and will give you an answer shortly.

My advice to you is whatever medium you choose to learn BPD from, make sure that it's a credit medical information and stay away from junk psych because it validates anger, it's pretty shallow past that. You can find the lessons on the right side of the board  You're not alone.

[Notwendy]

I have done both- working with a therapist and an ACA group. I think they both help in different ways, and together are very helpful.

Individual therapists have varied in effectiveness with me. All have provided a safe place to discuss the situation and it is helpful to share this with another person. I think the first step in this is to be able to speak about it. What has varied for me is the T's getting into looking at my own issues having grown up with a BPD mother. I think this takes time- IMHO- first- you have to feel safe speaking about it to someone.

The ACA group and working with a sponsor has been invaluable in my learning to connect with people. ACA also includes families with dysfunction. The patterns and behaviors are similar. There are others in the group who will "get it". To me, it is very important to work with a sponsor. The sponsor will listen, and then direct you- with objective caring- to look at your own issues. This is essential to our own personal change. It isn't easy and sometimes feels triggering. For me, it is hard to trust someone else with my personal issues- and the trusting relationship with the sponsor and the other members of the group is an important experience.

This takes time and personal work. You may not see the benefits right away. It is scary as can be to walk into a group of strangers and speak. You may not feel a connection with some members as everyone is different, but in time, it is likely you will learn to trust the group process and some members. For me though - the sponsor relationship was very important to my making progress.

One day, I realized that my mother was saying mean things that used to bother me, and they didn't any more. That felt like a whole new situation to me. It was a great moment. That doesn't mean she does not ever say things that bother me, but I have learned to deal with it, and if I need support, bring it to my ACA group and /or sponsor.

Look up the "laundry list" of ACA. I could identify with them. One that stood out to me was "we became reactors rather than actors". I realized that I reacted to my mother, emotionally. I wanted to change that and become less emotionally reactive to her. We can learn to do that.

One step at a time. Sometimes we may feel we are going backwards. But there is steady progress if we work at it. It can feel overwhelming at first, but I don't think we tackle it all at once. Some people describe this as peeling an onion. It's a work in progress, but I feel it is worthwhile.