Intro and help detaching

[Birdlover]

Hi all,

I am new here, separating from in the process of divorcing my husband. He is not diagnosed as BPD, but I think whatever illness he has is certainly close enough and my story is very similar to many I have read on here. We were married 9 years total, the first 6 of which I thought were mostly normal. (Looking back though I see signs- not being able to express any upset with him at all, for example - he took that as criticism and questioning him and not trusting him.) As life stressors increased be began to be angry at me more and more, and more and more vehemently. Culminating in his deciding that everything wrong in his life was my fault and was because of how horrible I had been to him all along and currently. That I am wounded from a bad childhood (true) and have been terrible to him since the beginning. The last 3 years have been a nightmare of rages and total anger/hatred directed at me, and then to "we are better than ever now, I can see that you are changing and I have no anger with you at all anymore" and then back to anger within a few days. I have been called more names than I can list, been yelled at, been told he doesn't respect or even like me, to name just a few things on a list of hundreds. He has blamed me for just about everything that has gone wrong, even in situations where others have shown him through documents that I wasn't even involved. I stayed of course because I loved him and because I kept thinking I could make it right - I could change, I could learn to say only the right things so as not to upset him, I could be a better partner, I could stop being as selfish as he claimed, etc. It was very easy for me to accept all that blame and shame and I went right down the rabbit hole.

Things got so bad that I did finally leave about 7 months ago, which has been a true nightmare. He has painted me blacker than black, and then wants to reconcile. He runs the range of getting a few details of a story correct, to completely rewriting history, to downright paranoia and made up facts and stories. I have gotten mostly to the point where I will only discuss practical matters with him and do not respond when he gets personal or starts attacking me. But it is so difficult to do at times, and I just need to get some advice about that from people who have been there. I know in my heart that when I engage it only makes it worse for both of us, but I still keep thinking that if somehow I can get him to see the truth of how bad things have been the last years, or to see that his version of events is false and that he needs to get help, or to recognize how crazy his behavior has been that somehow things will be better. Plus not responding to him is ripping my guts out, as I know a core issue with him (and BPD in general) is abandonment. Part of my still thinks that if I at least respond in some kind of loving yet detached fashion it will help him heal. I have tried this of course and it hasn't made anything better to date and in my head I know better, but my heart hurts so badly for him that on days that I am less strong it is hard to believe I am doing the right thing by not responding. On top of all that is crushing guilt and self doubt- the guilt of leaving and the nagging tug that maybe this IS all my fault and I am the rotten person he has made me out to be; that I am the one at the end of the day who is mentally ill and has caused all the problems, as he claims.

Any advice is so greatly appreciated.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Birdlover, Welcome!  I like your moniker!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  Your story is quite familiar.  No, it's not all your fault.  You didn't cause him to get BPD and you can't cure it.  No, you're not a rotten person and are not the source of his problems.  You were just the trigger for his issues, which is what happens to all who get close to a pwBPD.  I admire your courage to make a change.  Many here on the Detaching Board fear the unknown, which is understandable.  Yet the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found, in my experience.  Suggest you keep putting yourself first.  Many of us have been down this path before you, so let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[JQ]

Hello Birdlover,

Welcome to the "group" ... .I'm happy that you found us but I'm sorry that you had too. AS LJ points out your story is not unlike a lot of those here already. I will echo what LJ has said, This is NOT YOUR fault. NOTHING of what you said, didn't say, did or didn't do is to blame for his behavior or his actions.  As you will come to learn, BPD is a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that is beyond modern medicine, doctors, & pharma to cure. At best one could hope for is some level of "management" of the behavior but that isn't permanent. Before you know it, they will let all their flying monkeys out of their cage once again and tell you to put them back in their cages.

I know you hurt, confused at times, not knowing what to do, who to talk to, where to turn too ... .the group will always be here for you. We've walked our own BPD journey ... .you can come vent to us, ask us questions, ask for guidance ... .we will never judge you in your actions. Your BPD journey will be a winding road full of speed bumps & pot holes and you will stumble. We all have. But the group will be here to pick you up, dust you off and pat you on the butt to get you going again. It's then up to you what you do next. You can sit back down where you're at & see how that continues to work out for you. You can continue down the same path you're on & see how that continues to work out OR you can take the path to the right and see where that leads too. Know that YOU are a strong person & can get through any challenges along your journey as others including myself have.

You will learn BPD language such as boundaries, gas lighting, projection, NON, Comorbidity,Push-Pull behavior, FOG, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde just to name a few. There are some great resources on this sight to read and learn from. I would seek out a really good therapist to help YOU sort through your feelings & emotions ... .it really is a major key to getting through all of it for so many reasons. I would read books too & would start with "The Human Magnet Syndrome" ... ."Codependent No More & Beyond Codependency". Your therapist might have them if your local library doesn't or they're online too.

One thing is common that you'll read from story to story that Lucky alluded too ... .YOU need to take care of YOU~!  The last 3-4 sentences of yours express a lot of what a NON feels & that is guilt, blaming yourself, a lot of self doubt ... .some classic signs of a codependent. The good news is that this type of behavior is a learned behavior ... .usually from childhood trying to be the perfectionist, the care taker of a parent or siblings and not taking care of YOUR needs.  YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness and no one else's.  Like a lot of NON's ... .you find happiness in the happiness of others ... .again this is a learned behavior. This is where a really good therapist will help you understand things, help you sort through a lot of history so that you can fully understand things and learn to live YOUR life for YOU and move forward.

Take some time out to appreciate the small things in life ... .you'll learn that they're really the biggest thing in life ... .like waking up 30 minutes, grabbing a cup of coffee, tea, Monster or favorite wake up beverage ... .go watch the sun come up ... .do this tomorrow~! Listen to nature waking up to the new day as the sun rises.  Take a walk when you come home from work ... .a mile will only take 15-20 at a very slow pace ... .think about that for a moment ... .you can do 3 miles in an hour.  This helps you burn off all that bad stress & empty calories you've been eating or drinking. Smell the fresh cut grass ... .listen to kids laughing ... .  Start eating better ... .eat a really good salad for dinner and listen to some really up beat music while you prepare it. Call up a old friend you haven't talked to in awhile and catch up with them ... .meet a friend or several friends up at a comedy club and laugh your butt off. Laughter heals the mind, body & soul~!

Come back here as often as you want too and tell us as much as you want ... .again we're not judging you ... .you have found a place where others have been what you have been or will go through and we're here to support you.

Here are some video's that you can look at ... .

This one might not seem like it will apply to you ... .but it's a good motivational video ... .let you know that "Even the strongest & most motivated people will need a helping hand at some point in their life."  I still watch it at least once a week for myself ... .https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

This one kinda lets you know to let things go ... ."Sometimes people leave and sometimes unexpectedly ... .take a deep breath, morn the loss and start living again". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&t=5shttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsIYlgrov3k&t=5s

This one ... .hell it's just funny ... .5 stages ... .  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY

I look forward to reading how your first sunrise went 

J

[tryingsome]

I found it to be a 2 step process (well 20 steps if you really count them all).

One is the grieving similar to the death of a loved one. Here it seems to be the realization that this isn't the person you thought. In a sense a death of that first facade. There you go through all the usual: anger, denial, acceptance, etc.

After that part, the grieving is more like the loss of any relationship. And you go through the same phases, but this time the pain is different. More of a normal heartbreak. But I found the first part the most difficult; it was very hard to accept the 'death' of who I thought this person was and then see them for what they were. If you can get past that cleanly, a lot of the resentment disappears and you can grieve the normal loss.

Good luck; it is a good journey worth taking.

[lovenature]

On top of all that is crushing guilt and self doubt- the guilt of leaving and the nagging tug that maybe this IS all my fault and I am the rotten person he has made me out to be; that I am the one at the end of the day who is mentally ill and has caused all the problems, as he claims.

Welcome Birdlover

The above is pure projection; he has to project onto you and be the better person who is trying to hang onto the relationship (attachment). The fact that you are questioning if you are mentally ill and caused the problems clearly proves you are not.

Stay NC, focus on YOU, and continue learning about BPD and your role in it.

PS: I love birds too, people can learn a lot from them!