I pretended I was stick today and didnt go to work.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I guess I´m a bit lost. This is what I´ve been thinking all day:

Get up and do something. I sould really clean my car. I should take a shower, or a bath. I wanted to go for a walk, I should go to training, why am I like this, why cant i be like i used to be... powerful and energetic. No I´m just lazy and complaining all day.

I´ve tried so hard to pull myself together. Still, I pretended I was stick today and didnt go to work. I just couldnt do the fighting and the stress and the pretending I´m like you guys anymore. The resault is -of course- that I´ve been lying in bed all day, again, trying to pull myself together, with few resaults.

The truth is that I´m sick of pretending. I´m sick to pretend Im happy when my boyfriend is around. I am so sick of the way I´m feeling, I´m sick of beeing permanently scared, that I might loose him. I´ve had a bad childhood and this is where it brought me: depression. Month after month after month.

I donno how to get out of this mess and beliefe me I´ve tried so hard. Im so sick of thinking about my sister, she´s in a clinic right now coz of borderline. Im so sick of thinking i should help her while she is not accepting any help, while she is treating me like crap and i keep trying to help her. Now I´m the one who needs help. My power is gone. I give up fighting. And I keep lying in bed all day.

[Chromium]

So I guess I´m a bit lost. This is what I´ve been thinking all day:

Get up and do something. I sould really clean my car. I should take a shower, or a bath. I wanted to go for a walk, I should go to training, why am I like this, why cant i be like i used to be... powerful and energetic. No I´m just lazy and complaining all day.

I´ve tried so hard to pull myself together. Still, I pretended I was stick today and didnt go to work. I just couldnt do the fighting and the stress and the pretending I´m like you guys anymore. The resault is -of course- that I´ve been lying in bed all day, again, trying to pull myself together, with few resaults.

The truth is that I´m sick of pretending. I´m sick to pretend Im happy when my boyfriend is around. I am so sick of the way I´m feeling, I´m sick of beeing permanently scared, that I might loose him. I´ve had a bad childhood and this is where it brought me: depression. Month after month after month.

I donno how to get out of this mess and beliefe me I´ve tried so hard. Im so sick of thinking about my sister, she´s in a clinic right now coz of borderline. Im so sick of thinking i should help her while she is not accepting any help, while she is treating me like crap and i keep trying to help her. Now I´m the one who needs help. My power is gone. I give up fighting. And I keep lying in bed all day.

[Kwamina]

Hi SammyLi and welcome back here

You are really struggling right now and I am very sorry you are feeling this way. Dealing with these kinds of thoughts and feelings isn't easy at all. You have posted here before and I know you've been through a lot with your sister and mother. The experiences you've had can be quite traumatic.

Are you getting help for your depression? Do you perhaps have a therapist to help you deal with this?

We have a thread here about dealing with trauma that you might also find helpful. Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling with depression and/or anxiety in their adult lives and many also with (complex) PTSD:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

You are in a bad place right now and I am glad that you came back here as you are struggling so. Wanting to help others is certainly honorable. Yet we cannot help anyone if we don't also help ourselves. Now it seems the time has really come for you to put your own well-being first. This does not have to mean that you need to give up on your sister. It just means that you won't completely sacrifice yourself for her and stop to take some time to really take care of yourself.

When you say you give up fighting, do you perhaps feel like you've been fighting the reality of your sister having BPD? Do you feel like you've been able to (start) to truly accept this reality of your sister having BPD and the consequences this has for her life and the relationship you are able to have with her?

Take care

[DaddyBear77]

Hello SammyLi, I'm really glad you posted.

Like Kwamina, I can hear the sadness and depression in your post and I just want you to know we're here. Sometimes all you CAN do is one little thing each day, but it's SO important to do that one thing FOR YOU!

I have many many days where I feel like I'm swimming through mud. All my power and strength is used up just getting through a shower and putting my pants on! What has helped me is posting here as often as I can, and then finding a therapist or someone professional I can see to bounce the really tough and personal questions off.

I hope you'll keep posting. We'd love to hear more of your story and we're here to help however we can.

~DaddyBear77