Mother with BPD

[roseangel95]

Hello, I'm 21 years old.
Ive posted on here before, but I could really use some help from people who know exactly what im dealing with. I love my friend's and psychiatrist/ therapist; but this is not an easy step to make and sometimes they make it seem like it should be.

my mother finally attempted suicide. and failed. I believe it was an attention plea; my family thinks otherwise. My Psych/therapist, friend's and boyfriend/his family all believe that I need to cut my mother out of my life. My family say she has changed and they see the changes and that she is doing better blah blah blah. I don't believe it but i want to... god i do. She tried doing what she did after her psych (at a mental facility) and i told her that she couldn't live with me even if something happened to my nana (her mom; whom she takes care of) She has a dependency disorder on me and i used to be her surrogate husband for many years (unknown to me until i saw a new psych myself) she has severe abandonment issues. Let me also add that she has 3 sisters (1 is her identical twin) and a brother. I live in a 4 bedroom house with 3 roommates and my long term boyfriend. My mother didn't like hearing that and when i picked her up from the facility the next day, she wanted nothing to do with me (complete opposite of her usual reactions to my presence) the very next morning from taking her home my family called telling me she was in the ER from attempted suicide and to "stay the ___ away from my mother". A week later that same aunt who said that apologized to me and is the only one who still likes me. the rest of my family has shunned me like they have done before in the past whenever my mom goes manic and talks about killing herself and ends up in the hospital for "thoughts" and my mother blames me (bad daughter/disrespectful/ cruel/ heartless/ doesn't love her etc) and my family eats it up.
long story short... .should I cut her. She isn't awful 24/7 and there are some times where i really enjoy being around her and the love she gives... .but i don't know if its enough to make up for all this crap. I wish her actions didn't affect me, and even though i go to therapy and see a psych (I have PTSD) and have been researching this condition for 3 years now, it still hurts as if i never knew what was causing these things to happen.
so... .Should I cut her from my life?
and has anyone ever known someone who could live a happy life with a BPD mother in their life?

[Panda39]

Hi roseangel95,

Welcome Back 

I'm sorry to hear about your mom's suicide attempt that is not easy no matter what the reason is behind it.

I'm on these boards because my significant other has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife and they share 2 daughters... .so I'm coming at this from a different angle than you are. 

I've watched both daughters deal with similar stuff with their mom and the younger daughter like you also has PTSD.

No one can decide for you if you go no contact with your mom it really is your choice.  However, I wanted to point out that there are a lot of choices in between "too much" intrusive contact and no contact forever. 

You could work on your boundaries and make contact with her more do-able for you.
You could just be in contact via phone calls or email only... .nothing in person
You could limit your contact and see her once a week, once a month, or on her birthday whatever works for you.
You could go no contact for a month, for 6 months, for a year... .take a break work with your therapist on strategies that might be more effective in the future.
You could go no contact forever.
Or you could do a combination of things.

It does not have to be all or nothing forever.

My SO's daughters both handle their mother in their own way.  D16 talks with her on the phone, texts and occasionally will meet her for coffee.  D20 has minimal contact with her mother only very occasional email contact.

My advice is do what is right for you.

Panda39

[roseangel95]

@Panda39 thank you so much <3
I don't really know what I want to do. I am nervous about the future though. My boyfriend and I are seriously planning our life together and want to get engaged/married in the near future when we both can afford it (both still in college). That being said he has seen my mother first hand and he and I both fear what life will be like when we start a family of our own. She has already stated that she wants to be the favorite grandparent and not his parents and that she will be the one who babysits and is there all the time for them and she wanted me to promise that my children would love her more than his parents. It was nuts. He and I aren't even engaged yet and children are a long time away. I fear she would be the same way to my children as she is with me; especially after that comment. If I keep her in my life she will want to be fully in it. She is an all or nothing person. I don't know how to deal with that.

[Fieldsae27]

While I can't offer advice, I am in the same exact situation as you are! I have a one year old son and am trying to decide what to do about my BPD mother.

Unfortunately, my wedding and birth of my son was not enough to motivate any effort or change from my mom. Right now I am looking at the "extended break" option as I want to protect my son.

[pyropsycho]

That's really tough. I'm sorry you're going through all of that. I'm in a similar situation with my mom, but I'm fortunate enough that I don't live close to her, so having that geographical distance definitely helps.

Over the past couple of years, I've been slowly distancing myself from her. I see her once or twice a year, call her on her birthday and Mother's Day, and she calls on Christmas. I used to spend Thanksgiving with her, but I've stopped doing that for the past two years. I often don't answer her phone calls if I feel like I'm not in the right headspace to talk to her, and let me tell you... .it has been so worth it! I have been much happier and healthier, and my life feels less complicated most days.

Don't get me wrong, she's pissed as all get out about it and sometimes lashes out at me, and sometimes I feel guilty and question if I'm doing the right thing. I've thought about going no contact several times, but I know it would really strain my relationships with other family members, and I'm not willing to do that at this point in my life. So, things aren't perfect and I don't know what's right for you, but less contact has helped me a lot.

[HoneyB33]

Hi 

My mother is also a BPD. I struggled for over a year (and still at times struggle) with going NC with her. Right around when I was trying to make this choice, my mother reports to me that she has terminal cancer. How true, I don't know. But yeah, it really made it hard to choose to walk away.

But here is the thing, I chose to do so. And I'm telling you that so maybe it's one blip of light to the direction I think is best for any person around a Borderline--Leaving.

The reality is, these people aren't going to get better. They aren't going to change. Can you live with that? Do you want this to go on for the rest of your life? Because that is what you're actually signing up for.

I reached the end of my thread when I ended up dating a Borderline, because I realized "it never ends." And that's what is true about people like this--it will never stop.

IF by some miracle things ever did change, what would motivate it would be your leaving. If these people no longer had people to coddle them, they'd be forced to actually change OR stay the same, but at least no longer be allowed to abuse people.

I can tell you from experience, the more you're around this type of stuff the more "normal" it becomes, and the more susceptible you are to more abuse from more people. And the more you get the idea in your head that you need to be "stronger"--which is just setting you up for more abuse in your future.

I know it sounds extreme to say, "Your entire life could end up like this!" But really--that's the truth. Do you want your life to look like this? You can't change a LOT of things, esp your family (I feel you  ) But the worst part of this abuse, is that you get so stuck in indecision. "Is it right/wrong to stay/go?" And it starts robbing you of the TRUTH--the choices that you DO have.

I suggest to you, in the same way that I have suggested to myself and to my friend who also has a Borderline mother, to leave. Get away from every single person in your family that is connected to her at all. I know this is terribly hard. But make the choice now.

Don't look at all the "kind of's" that she brings into your life. "She's kind of a mother, on Sunday, when I give her ice cream and take her to the park... .Wait! I'm the mother!" All the things you're settling for are because yeah, you need a mom. It's human. And it's hard not to have one. But that woman isn't your mother. She's a disordered person. I know in your head it sounds like you're trying to be flexible, compassionate, compromising, understanding, loving... .But all you're actually doing is being set up to settle, co-dependency, compromising yourself, having no boundaries, and being used... .And that isn't your fault. But ANY thing you give to these people will be twisted like that. I'm sorry 

[Kwamina]

Hi roseangel95

How are you doing now? And how is your mom doing after this suicide attempt?

She has already stated that she wants to be the favorite grandparent and not his parents and that she will be the one who babysits and is there all the time for them and she wanted me to promise that my children would love her more than his parents. It was nuts. He and I aren't even engaged yet and children are a long time away. I fear she would be the same way to my children as she is with me; especially after that comment. If I keep her in my life she will want to be fully in it. She is an all or nothing person. I don't know how to deal with that.

I think Panda39 has given you some really good advice. You have several options, no matter which one you choose, the most important thing is to be able and willing to set firm boundaries with your mother and also defend/enforce them when necessary. You cannot change your mother, but what you can change is your own behavior and how you respond to her. Protecting yourself and making your own well-being a priority is crucial when dealing with disordered family-members. You have PTSD which is quite a serious disorder so I think focusing on your own healing seems wise.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Mutt]

She isn't awful 24/7 and there are some times where i really enjoy being around her and the love she gives... .but i don't know if its enough to make up for all this crap

I don't have a parent with BPD traits, my dad does display traits of an anxiety disorder, my kids' mom displays traits of BPD, my kids are you so they may have a talk me someday. The kids have unconditional love for their mom, to them she is their mother, I don't get in middle of that.

I can relate with being the scapegoat in the family, everything that is negative is shifted over to me because my family members don't know how to manage their feelings so they project that. It has to be hard for you especially after your mom ended up in the hospital, I hope that you're not taking on those negative feelings from the other family members.

We can't tell you what to do, we can support you in the choices that you make and we're not judge them. I think that you already know your answer and I have feeling that your values are not aligned with your T and the family members. I'd suggest to self protect for awhile, place some boundaries, you don't have to completely cut her out of your life, there are times where we really need to add extra protection and if this is one of those times, add more boundaries you can always change that later too, it's not a hard and fast rule.

[Turkish]

roseangel95,

This is an emotionally draining situation to be in,  especially given your mother's past enmeshment of you add a surrogate spouse. I experienced how damaging this is with my ex and her mother. 

In my opinion,  if anyone should be cut off,  it should be the other family members,  except for the one aunt.

When talking to my therapist about how angry and troubled our son was about my ex bringing her paramour, later husband,  into the kids' lives, my T said, "it's none of your son's business whom she chooses to have a relationship with as an adult." It kind of shocked me,  but I could see what he meant after thinking about it. 

Similarly,  your choice to have a relationship with your mother is between you and her.  Siblings, cousins, whoever, aren't exactly irrelevant,  but they are not the daughter of your mother, nor are any of us here.  None of them,  nor is should judge you,  but we here will support you whatever path you choose.

When I was 18, I thought about going NC with my mother.  She had a major breakdown. Over 25 years later I chose to go NC. I lived with my choice then (and my friends wouldn't have blamed me then), and I live with my choice now. 

My mom told me she was suicidal 2 years ago.  This is tough stuff to deal with,  especially when it's telegraphed that we may be responsible. We aren't,  however,  responsible for the feelings of others,  and it's sad that your family thinks so.  Shame on them. 

We're here for you no matter what you decide (to help with boundaries or whatever). She is your only mother,  and only you understand that.

Turkish

[Roselily]

Hi Roseangel,
I'm sorry you are struggling with your Moms behavior.
Not to sound uncaring, but was this a real attempt? Could you expound a bit more how this was carried out?
The reason I ask, is I have an NPD/BPD mother, that would regularly act out ( though never go that far for reputation sake) when I did something she disapproved of, or if I was receiving attention of any kind.

If she has done this b4 or threatened to do so, I would distance myself... .the more attention she receives from this event, the more likely it is to repeat itself, in order to create guilt in you. Don't take that bait. Before anymore time goes by, It may be beneficial to get a good therapist... how do you feel about going that route for now and getting guidance?

[Roselily]

Hi Roseangel,
I'm sorry you are struggling with your Moms behavior.
Not to sound uncaring, but was this a real attempt? Could you expound a bit more how this was carried out?
The reason I ask, is I have an NPD/BPD mother, that would regularly act out ( though never go that far for reputation sake) when I did something she disapproved of, or if I was receiving attention of any kind. This is a great burden to you. It's a hard call.

If she has done this b4 or threatened to do so, I would distance myself... .the more attention she receives from this event, the more likely it is to repeat itself, in order to create guilt in you. Don't take that bait. Before anymore time goes by,  it may be beneficial to get sound advice not only from your therapist, but someone well seasoned in BPD behaviors ... long time members here... .etc. how do you feel about going that route for now and take it a day at a time?


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[DaughterOfHera]

Hello roseangel95.    I'm so sorry that you are in your current situation, and I'm sorry to hear of your mother's attempt at suicide.  I, too, have a BPD mother (as well as an aunt) and had to go through what you currently are.  While I don't think I want to offer advice, I can share with you what I tried and what has come of it so far.  I very much like what Panda39 shared in terms of the options.  I started with a letter to my mother stating that I needed a 6 month break without contact.  This gave me the chance to test the waters without making a definitive decision.  That 6 month reprieve provided me room to realize that I felt safer without her contact and also to see for myself the kind of life I had created for myself.  I then sent her a letter stating that I was going no-contact, but if she ever decided to get professional help I would be willing to try again.  I have not heard back from her since and it has been 5 years.  I am now going through the process of establishing my own truth about our family's issues with mental illness (my mother's "truth" was always more important in the past).  While I find that I am safer and can mentally recognize that I am in a better place, the reality is that I will always continue to pay the price for my mother's symptoms.  I signed on to this site just now because I woke up crying and feeling sick to my stomach about my family and how alone I have always felt.  I, too, have to deal with some family members who are in denial about the mental illness and believe my mother when she tells them that her life is worse because I exist (which is how she has portrayed our relationship since I was a toddler).  I'm not sure that there is one right answer for everyone when it comes to deciding contact /no contact, and my own decision for no contact has not cured our family's situation, has not cured my mother, has not cured my on-going ptsd / orphan syndrome.  All any of us can do is take things a step at a time, learn to trust ourselves, and keep on keeping on.  roseangel95, I send you wishes for ease as you continue through your journey and through any decisions that you make.