Sympathy for depressed BPD ex

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had an ex gf reach out a couple of weeks ago to me saying she's depressed... .

We were together for like a 1.5 years. Dumped her because I was bending over backwards for her, but she'd call me out on mistakes or perceived slights and insinuate I didn't care about her despite everything I was doing for relationship. Meanwhile she wasn't putting in any work into the relationship herself. When we were together she even had a fling with one of her exes who was in a horrible drug-addicted state. claims she was trying to support him recover and things got emotional... .

she handles stress horribly, and so when we were together it was usually up to me to fix problems she was getting herself into.

She seems to jump from one long term boyfriend to another since she was 14(we're 27 btw) and I think this is because she was severely neglected by her family, so she turns to boyfriends to take care of her. So the dynamic of our relationship feels like I'm taking care of a child.

last I spoke to her was nine months ago, we were trying to be friends, but it didn't work. I sent one message in that nine month span of NC two months ago telling her I'm sorry for my own part in our break up, my poor communication caused by my own depression(I know it sounds bad, I shouldn't apologize for being depressed, but in the moment of writing that I was having a revelation about my own limitation; before getting psychiatric treatment), but maintained that I've been improving and have been feeling good in solitude. No response until over a week ago where she said she's glad I'm better, but she's become depressed. No details and pretty straight forward

I've been doing pretty well, focusing on my own hobbies and well-being. I neglected myself when I was with her.

 I'd be willing to work towards a better relationship with her, if she was willing to take a hard look at herself, but I'm not getting any indication in the brief "I'm depressed" response that she's self-reflected, or maybe the depression is an indicator... .It just seems kinda baiting to me.

The situation I'm in: abandon her or jump back in and risk falling back into the same cycle of care-taking.
Is there a third way?

In between the time when I sent her my message  and  got her response I learned about npd and started thinking a lot of her behavior fit and it made glad to be done with her but now after some discussion with others I think she is more BPD which makes me a little more sympathetic.

BPD symptiom I've observed from her: fear of abandonment, the doctor Jekyl-mr hyde dynamic(extremely sweet or bad tempered), stormy familial and platonic relationships, stress induced paranoia, poor stress coping skills, impulsiveness.  I feel like she's relatively high functioning, but I feel like she gotten by a lot on the fact that she's a cute girl. I feel bad just ignoring her but I don't  want to risk getting sucked back in. Any and all input is appreciated.

[Cremetown]

had an ex gf reach out a couple of weeks ago to me saying she's depressed... .

We were together for like a 1.5 years. Dumped her because I was bending over backwards for her, but she'd call me out on mistakes or perceived slights and insinuate I didn't care about her despite everything I was doing for relationship. Meanwhile she wasn't putting in any work into the relationship herself. When we were together she even had a fling with one of her exes who was in a horrible drug-addicted state. claims she was trying to support him recover and things got emotional... .

she handles stress horribly, and so when we were together it was usually up to me to fix problems she was getting herself into.

She seems to jump from one long term boyfriend to another since she was 14(we're 27 btw) and I think this is because she was severely neglected by her family, so she turns to boyfriends to take care of her. So the dynamic of our relationship feels like I'm taking care of a child.

last I spoke to her was nine months ago, we were trying to be friends, but it didn't work. I sent one message in that nine month span of NC two months ago telling her I'm sorry for my own part in our break up, my poor communication caused by my own depression(I know it sounds bad, I shouldn't apologize for being depressed, but in the moment of writing that I was having a revelation about my own limitation; before getting psychiatric treatment), but maintained that I've been improving and have been feeling good in solitude. No response until over a week ago where she said she's glad I'm better, but she's become depressed. No details and pretty straight forward

I've been doing pretty well, focusing on my own hobbies and well-being. I neglected myself when I was with her.

 I'd be willing to work towards a better relationship with her, if she was willing to take a hard look at herself, but I'm not getting any indication in the brief "I'm depressed" response that she's self-reflected, or maybe the depression is an indicator... .It just seems kinda baiting to me.

The situation I'm in: abandon her or jump back in and risk falling back into the same cycle of care-taking.
Is there a third way?

In between the time when I sent her my message  and  got her response I learned about npd and started thinking a lot of her behavior fit and it made glad to be done with her but now after some discussion with others I think she is more BPD which makes me a little more sympathetic.

BPD symptiom I've observed from her: fear of abandonment, the doctor Jekyl-mr hyde dynamic(extremely sweet or bad tempered), stormy familial and platonic relationships, stress induced paranoia, poor stress coping skills, impulsiveness.  I feel like she's relatively high functioning, but I feel like she gotten by a lot on the fact that she's a cute girl. I feel bad just ignoring her but I don't  want to risk getting sucked back in. Any and all input is appreciated.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cremetown, Welcome!  What indications do you have that she has changed her behavior in some way?  Those w/BPD talk a good game, but don't often back it up with action.  If you decide to recycle, what makes you think the outcome will be different this time?  Worth thinking about.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

[Cremetown]

Hey Cremetown, Welcome!  What indications do you have that she has changed her behavior in some way?  Those w/BPD talk a good game, but don't often back it up with action.  If you decide to recycle, what makes you think the outcome will be different this time?  Worth thinking about.  What would you like to see happen?  What are your gut feelings?

LuckyJim

Hey thanks for replying.
I don't have much of an indicator that she's changed. I guess the fact that she's admitting to being a depressed is maybe a hint. She doesn't really talk about those deep personal pains. Idk. I still have some resentment, so my gut reaction to reading the message was "she's trying to bait me." maybe it has nothing to do with me though. If I respond now(two weeks later from when she wrote me) maybe it'll be too late.

I miss the good moments, but I don't ever want to deal with the bad again. I think I'm just looking for some support. I feel lonely, even though I've been doing relatively well on my own as of late, but I couldn't even begin to mend anything between us until I let go of my resentment towards her. If we mend things between us then we can see where things go far in the future. When we tried reconciling she kept saying she wanted to know how to change herself to better our relationship, but I don't feel like it'd be a long lasting change if she can't see for herself what the problems are between her and I. I can tell her how to be, but I feel like if she can't see where her behavior is draining me, then she'll become resentful for fixing something  within herself that she hasn't concluded needs fixing. Last time I saw her(9 months ago) she did seem kinda lost, and it breaks my heart.

[Cremetown]

Anyone else worked something healthy out with uBPD ex?