Husband just diagnosed

[CommaLady]

Hello,,,

My husband and I have been married for 34 years,,,there have been problems since the 10th year. He lies,,,a lot,,,he cheats,,,a lot,,,

It didn't start out that way,,,it started out pretty slowly with just chatting with women online, maybe flirting,,,then calls,,,then meeting them,,,eventually having sex with them as well as prostitutes,,,

and last week he left me,,,for another woman,,,who just got out of jail   and who has had addiction problems    He left me by leaving me a text message saying how much he loved me but he needed some time alone,,,yeah, except I knew about her, and I figured it out (I found out about her in January, when she was in jail after discovering my husband had spent over 30 thousand dollars on her),,,

I mean SERIOUSLY. How stupid does he think I am?

Personally, I thought he had bipolar,,,I knew his moods swung,,,and our daughter has bipolar and his father committed suicide,,,so it seemed a reasonable guess,,,

but apparently, he's not hyper enough and doesn't meet that criteria,,,and he meets the criteria for BPD quite well,,,

I have to tell you this scares the living bejeesus out of me,,,I'm terrified,,,

The one good thing is he's agreed to get help,,,after we went to the doctor we went out to lunch together,,,but he's still living in a hotel room with her and her friend,,,cozy. He tells me he feels like he MADE her fall in love with him, and although he still loves me, he can't leave her until she has someone else to take care of her,,,she supposedly has children he's trying to get her to hook up with.

LIKE SERIOUSLY? Abandon your wife just fine, but can't let HER suffer? He feels responsible for her,,,

I can't wait to go back to the therapist to find out if this sort of ridiculous crap is normal thinking pattern for them,,,or if he's just playing me for a damn fool.

IDK, I'm scared and afraid that he's pulling one over on me,,,he doesn't want any of his stuff, keep it at home he says,,,one second he says he doesn't know what he wants and the next second he says he is working on coming home,,,

and you know, maybe it's a good thing he's NOT home right now,,,he's not welcome home until he's willing to give her up completely,,,

but it KILLS me that he's still with HER.

Sorry for rambling, but my mind is going a million miles an hour trying to take this all in.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi CommaLady and

I'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us.  We help and support each other here.

and last week he left me,,,for another woman,,,who just got out of jail

Im so sorry to hear that. I imagine that must be really hard to deal with. Anyone would be upset.

but apparently, he's not hyper enough and doesn't meet that criteria,,,and he meets the criteria for BPD quite well,,,

I have to tell you this scares the living bejeesus out of me,,,I'm terrified,,,

Is it the BPD diagnosis that scares you? This disorder has a lot of bad rep, not all deserved. But Im going to guess you have seen at least most of it already having been married so long.

The one good thing is he's agreed to get help,,,after we went to the doctor we went out to lunch together,,,

This is a big positive.

but he's still living in a hotel room with her and her friend,,,cozy. He tells me he feels like he MADE her fall in love with him, and although he still loves me, he can't leave her until she has someone else to take care of her

There are other people with similar stories here on bpdfamily. It might help you to read through and see you are not alone.

I can't wait to go back to the therapist to find out if this sort of ridiculous crap is normal thinking pattern for them,,,or if he's just playing me for a damn fool.

Can you clarify if that is his therapist or your own? Are you in therapy? There is so much stress that comes with living with someone with a personality disorder and many people have found it helpful to see a therapist on their own to help coping. It sounds like you have been through a lot.

Its also really common for the loved ones of people with BPD to feel as if we are being manipulated. Its not always the case. There is a distorted thinking pattern behind the disorder just like you mentioned and there is immense amount of pain. I can only speak for myself but it has relieved me of some pain to know that not everything that my pwBPD does is intended to cause me pain but a reaction to his own state of mind and emotions.

IDK, I'm scared and afraid that he's pulling one over on me,,,he doesn't want any of his stuff, keep it at home he says,,,one second he says he doesn't know what he wants and the next second he says he is working on coming home,,,

Being in limbo waiting for someone to make up their mind is so hard. Im so glad you found us here. While we cant take away the disorder it really helps to have a community of people that are dealing with the same or similar things.

and you know, maybe it's a good thing he's NOT home right now,,,he's not welcome home until he's willing to give her up completely,,,

You know Im actually glad you said that. Because the worst part about waiting is that we feel like we dont have a choice, that we are just waiting for the other person to decide our fate. Think about what you want, what you are ok with and what you are ready for and when. You cant change what has happened, but you can take your own life into your own hands.

You posted this yesterday. How are you feeling today? Are there any news?