Last Will

[sisbpd]

Hi there,

My sister is a 28 yo with BPD along with schizotypal traits. She has had more than 2 dozen in-patient hospitalizations along with more than double that in outpatient IOP-style hospitalizations. She has abused many illegal drugs including marijuana, heroin, crack, ecstasy, and has gotten alcohol poisoning more than once. She self-injures and has bullemia.

Our state has a group-home type program where people with severe mental illness can go and be monitored but still be able to keep a job and a social life. Her medications are too strong and she was not admitted. My sister gets medicare and SSI along with food stamps. It is barely enough for her to live in a rented room and these rooms often are in sketchy situations that don't work out (most recently the people subletting weren't paying rent for months and then got evicted, so she did too).

My parents have recently informed me that in their Last Will & Testament, they have left me as the sole heir to their home, their 401k, and all of their posessions. I will also be the executor. If they leave my sister anything of significance, she loses her state benefits and they are worried that she will just burn through her inheritance and then have nothing, including her state benefits to fall back on. I asked them about creating a special needs trust for her, and they said it would still count against her ability to get state benefits.

Because of my sister's drug use and history of bringing dangerous people into my parents' home, I cannot consider letting her move in. I am a teacher and could lose my license if drugs or illegal activity are going on in my home. I believe my sister will be incensed that she is not getting money from my parents and will probably find a sleazy lawyer and drag me through the legal system. Personally, I don't need the money and would rather start a special needs trust where she gets a very small amount dispensed at a time so she doesn't lose her benefits, but apparently that counts against her ability to keep her benefits.

I also don't feel comfortable distributing money to her as she will use it on drugs or alcohol. When I buy her a gift, I only get her gift cards for things she needs in places where drugs and alcohol are not sold (including over the counter as I suspect she has used meth). I guess I am wondering what anyone's advice would be or if any of you have experience with this? I want to insure my sister is well cared for without completely enabling her or causing her to lose her benefits.

[Notwendy]

I think it is good that you recognize that enabling your sister is not good for her- or you.

Your parents have made a wise decision in terms of your sister's eligibility for benefits- and also recognizing that leaving her financial assets is not likely to be good for her either.


Although they have made a will, I hope that your parents are in good health and the will is not likely to be in effect- so nothing needs to be done at the moment.

Since they plan to leave their assets to you, they also trust your judgement to do the best thing you know to do with them should you ever be in their possession.

Your sister has a mental condition, but she is also responsible for her actions. It is very difficult to watch someone you care about engage in self destructive behavior, but you are not responsible for your sister's actions or her behavior. I think it may help you to work with a counselor who is experienced with addiction, and /or participate in a 12 step program to learn more about addiction- what helps, what does not, and what you can and can not do about it. That may help you feel clear about what to do ( and not to do) for your sister- and also how to be OK with your boundaries.