Making progress but need guidance as to how to behave

[damenlost]

Hello again to my BPD family and to those that are suffering and confused and have found this site as useful and enlightening as I have- I’m very grateful. As an update I find myself starting to eat again after losing twelve pounds, not obsessing or at least not being a constant in my mind and coming to terms with where I am and where I want to be. I was driving past our home together on a regular basis which I know is not healthy, particularly when my replacements car now seems to be a permanent fixture in the driveway. It still eats at me that she moved so wickedly fast to my replacement and that she has tuned into her new “love” or idealization while casting me aside. I can tell that there are windows of time that they can be together which coincides with when her girls are away at their Dads and currently during summer school holiday is quite frequent.

There has been zero contact outside of lawyer communications as per her angry request the day that I caught her with my replacement. It has been very difficult.

I’m reaching out today to ask a question. Since it has been radio silence, and I can only assume that she has basically blocked me out of her memory I have a difficult decision to make. Her birthday (Sept 17) is rapidly approaching and during the entire 7 years that we were together, there was one thing that she made very clear was one of her big issues and that is that people would “forget” her birthday including family of origin members. I’m struggling to decide whether or not to send her flowers on her birthday? Given the total NC and abiding by her wishes would such a gesture be taken the wrong way or be counter productive? I don’t know if I could live with missing acknowledging her birthday given what a super big deal it is for her even at the best of times. I also understand from members of this site and reading their experiences that such a gesture would only play into the BPD “I still control him- how pathetic” response? I’m not clinging to reconciliation but at the same time don’t want to further damage what threads of the relationship remain.

Additionally, in the very near future I will have to see her in family court and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to react. Part of me wants to say to her that my legal actions are not personal and that I do still love her deeply which is true. Based on my previous experience, she will be brimming in anxiety and I of all people would know and appreciate that. On the other hand I don’t know how I’m going to react if she shows up at court with my replacement which is likely. Am I to ignore her? Not even acknowledge her presence? Will her effort to paint me black and bad be enough for her to cope with the stress of being there?

I’m a very patient person and I have a gut feeling that its only a matter of time before some attempt to recycle may present itself. I’m not even going to begin pondering what my reaction and actions might be but one thing is for sure I’m not going back to the way it was- her constant outbursts and belittlement and basically treating me very badly. But I’m also an optimist, and I know that I’m prepared now to deal with the realities of having a SO BPD partner with boundaries and a commitment to treatment to get her to a point that others share on this site that some level or normalcy is achievable if the commitment from both of us is there and actioned.

So you can see that my concerns relating to her birthday and court date stem from me wanting to do my very best without being a doormat and someone whom she might see was one that truly love(d) and cares for her and only wants the best for her but without tossing my life away being a martyr.

Am I dreaming? I’m very careful not to set false expectations on myself or to be dreaming of reconciliation but given the frequency of recycling as being so commonly spoken to by other members shouldn’t the possibility of it happening and preparing myself for the possible eventuality be an equally healthy exercise on my part?

I do not seek revenge- I take great solace from this board in understanding that BPD actions, and being so common is not a conscious thing. Did she dispose of me because I was getting to close to comfort or was she just sick of me not being as attentive as I was in the past? My replacement is a placeholder, I can see that but I have to ask is it possible that’s all that I was? I would think that after seven years together that perhaps I was a bit more than a placeholder?

My heart screams to me that I was- I only wish she had the capacity to recognize it and reciprocate but there in that simple notion speaks to the greatest of all BPD tragedies in that a disordered woman that doesn’t even have a sense of self can only love someone else in a very limited way and that includes me.

Damenlost

[Lost-love-mind]

Your words " a gesture would only play into the BPD “I still control him- how pathetic” response? "

What a way to live. My relationship with BPD was 2 mos and now over longer. I still think of driving by to see if a replacement vehicle us there on a Saturday, the only day she would see me the last 2 weeks of the r/s.
I've thought about sending her the bday gift I bought her weeks ago. But the apology cards I sent, and the gifts I dropped at her house were met with a ppo.
She broke her NC a week ago with vile childish insults as if from a teenager.
I'm done. I'm tired of wallowing in self pity. This forum, my Christian friends , New work and a move to a rural area are all saving me.

You had a long term relationship. That has to be tougher than my short term high schoolish teeny bop love crush with an emotionally immature adult 45 yr old BPD.
I've decided any contact let's her keep control. Nope. I'm moving on.
 You will get some great advice here. Just wait . I promise it will get better.

[Emotions]

if you have no attatchment or care for her response, maybe sending her something isnt a bad thing. maybe not flowers, but something more neutral, like a card or candy... .but be prepared to still have radio silence after you send it... .either way i wish you luck.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi damenlost,

It's good to hear that you're improving and eating etc again.  That's a good start.

I have a couple of questions for you.  Imagine for a moment that you are in a new relationship.  You've asked the person you split up with not to contact you.  It's your birthday and your new partner makes a big fuss as you've already told this person how much of a big deal it is to you and how you hate it to be forgotten.  You receive a gift from your ex whom you've requested leaves you alone.  Do you appreciate it?  Or does it unsettle you because it's someone contacting you whom you've requested doesn't?  Could it cause conflict in your new relationship that would make you feel angry towards the ex for such a gesture?

My point is here, her birthday won't be forgotten about.  She will ensure that her new partner is fully aware of how much it means to her, as she did with you.  It is no longer your job to ensure that she is made a fuss of on that day.  I'd suggest that leaving her to it is respecting her wishes and also healthy for yourself as you're not giving yourself another reason to keep her in your thoughts any more than she is.  Realistically, if you acted, would you find yourself wondering if the gesture had the effect that you hoped?  How she felt about it?  If there would be a negative or positive outcome?  Do you need any more questions spinning around in your mind?     

If the recycle attempt comes, it comes.  You cannot put your life on hold for it.  Make yourself more intriguing and attractive by getting on with your life, healing, growing, leading a full and enriching life so that if that recycle attempt comes along you are going to interest her with your strength and solidity of character, rather than appearing to have been sitting on your hands and hoping she'll be back.  Take this opportunity to invest in you.  This is YOUR time now, so use it wisely.  Every day is a new opportunity. 

Love and light x   

[damenlost]

Hello and thank you for all of the comments and support offered. After much thought and feedback I've decided to listen to my gut for a change. I will not be contacting her and breaking NC on her birthday. It pains me to no end but some of the feedback really hit home for me. In particular, the feedback offered on this site and others that spoke to me in her eyes looking desperate and clingy. And what woman, BPD or not would want to be with a man who obviously has no self respect and dignity to allow her to continue treating me like crap!

So no- No Happy Birthday from me. I have no doubt my replacement would be the preferred person to wish her the best that day. I will silently in my mind.

[Harley Quinn]

This sounds like a good, albeit difficult decision for yourself and a step forwards.  I know it's hard to not do what you normally would.  Take it from another who is driven this way.  You've put this person's happiness first for so long that not continuing to do so when you are compelled to feels very uncomfortable. 

Every time I didn't reach out in concern for his well being (reminding myself that someone else was doing that now) or did something, no matter how small, that was about ME, I celebrated these as victories and felt proud of myself for having that strength and willingness to invest in my healing.  These small steps add up.

If she re engages in the future you can tell her that you wished her well on her day in private and instead respected her wishes.  Your bases are covered. 

How can you treat yourself with the same kindness you wished to show towards your ex?  What are you doing for damenlost?

Love and light x     

[damenlost]

Hello Harley and thank you for the kind words and support. You know, I don't think I've quite made it to the "doing something for myself" instead of yet? I'm sure its an effective strategy and will try it on her birthday. All bases covered and look forward to the possibility of saying it to her in the future. Her replacement is still torturing me, and visions of them together in my mind isn't helping either.

Sigh.

[Harley Quinn]

It's a very uncomfortable thought, I know.  For me, I felt insulted.  That something so meaningful would be happening with a relative stranger now.  Also, I have a boundary about that and would not be prepared to take someone back if they had been elsewhere.  So in fact that uncomfortable feeling helped my detaching.  That's just me. 

Regards doing things for you, I've found that meeting new people in new settings has been very empowering and revitalising.  I joined groups, did courses, that sort of thing.  It got me out and into new environments around like minded others whilst giving me something to focus on, causing me to be present.  Think about reviving passions you may have allowed to slip into the past.  It's good for the soul.  You have limitless options on how you spend your time.  Choose positively.  Even something as simple as picking up a good book and losing yourself in that if it's something you enjoy doing. 

Love and light x