i am the mother of an adult child 35 with BPD

[AKA Me]

Hello, I am new to the group. i have an adult daughter 35, just diagnosed after too many years of the chaos with BPD. i have read a few books and it fits like a glove. I feel so terribly sorry for her, finally after being able to understand how her brain works. I also feel very relieved but somehow still responsible in some way, that I have overlooked this behavior for so long and let it continue with my own need to FIX her. I had so many expectations and judgments about the way that she lived her life and the effects it has had on so many of us. I brought her many tools to try and transform her thoughts and beliefs and always wondered why she just could not get it. I see so much more clearly now. My question is: how do i let go? I love her so much and I know that she really does love me. I am learning about boundaries and why they are necessary in not just my relationship with her but all relationships. I don't know how or if I even should start a conversation with her about therapy, as she does not understand that BPD is actually her diagnosis. Her brain let her hear she has traits of  several aspects of mental dis-ease, but that she did not meet the criteria for any certain one. So she basically says she knows she has issues, but none of them are sever enough to seek treatment. I understand her only real hope is therapy on her part and my part will be SET UP. I don't know if I should bring up the topic with her? any guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you AKA ME

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lilacs]

I read this feeling so sad bc I wish my mother would see my 40yo sister is BPD. Instead she defends my sister all the time. When my sister cut me out of her life my mom said "what did you do to her" and when I said I didn't know, mom and dad didn't believe me. As their non-supported child this feels awful. When my sister broke it off w me for 3 years, my parents were mad at me -or maybe just life- for 3 years. We slowly reconnected 2 years ago when my oldest graduated. This year We all did something for my mothers birthday and for Father's Day. My mom was like "This is the best birthday ever" bc both her daughters families were there. Well that suddenly came to an end as my sister and I tried to clear the air and I mentioned that I was not all bad and that a lot of things were said on both ends that were hurtful. Well she texted me to stop contacting her (again, like she did 3 years ago). Clearly she cannot handle conflict or criticism (not that I was critical but she perceives everything that way). I spent 3 days to write a very neutral note that was really about me and that I had a side to the story too.

Anyway, why do I write this. Bc BPDs don't like to be told there is anything "wrong" with them. Or that they need to work on something. They cannot empathize. I still wonder what would happen if the empathize - does their world come to an end?  I'm still trying to figure that out. I guess I would say be careful. BPD is v hard to treat. And they have very little insight. If you have a therapist ask them how to approach it bc you may risk her going no-contact with you. They fear abandonment so they can leave you first.  Hard to say. This time my sister went NC with me it's actually a relief. I didn't want a relationship where I agreed I was the source of all her problems. And this time my letter to her was defensible. It was not written to hurt her or cause her pain and she still cut me off. So just be aware and prepared it may happen. Good luck.  I wish my parents would recognize that in her and if you have other kids, please love them and don't blame them for all your BPD is going through.

[AKA Me]

Thank you for your reply. It certainly sucks that your mom cannot see things the way you do and you are paying the price as the healthy sibling. I feel that being able to accept NC as part of your "boundary package deal" although very hard, will help you when you don't feel the need to defend yourself or have you position(your side) understood. It sucks not to be understood. Do you understand your side? Have you made peace with it? If so, then trying to make the others see your truth is futile. You know your truth. I think  (and this is just my opinion from an outside view point), what you are trying to reconcile is the distance from your entire family because of your relationship with your sister, that has BPD. Your mother still sees your sister as her child, and loves your sister, it is hard for her to recognize and accept that your sister has a mental illness. This has been my case for many years. Always saying things like: she acts crazy, but is not. she is just very colorful, full of drama and over the top: all excuses because I could not accept that there was a much bigger problem. I am sorry you are neglected, but this is the price to pay for not being the squeaky wheel. and would you really want the attention from that perspective? what your parents give to your sister is the eternal hope they had for her when she was born, that is a gift that they keep trying to hold onto and give to themselves. you know they will never be able to do or be enough. Hopefully some day they will be able to come to grips with that truth. Until then, love yourself the best way that you can. Hug yourself and give the love to yourself that you cannot feel from them right now. I promise that they do love you, but their energy is drained and only have enough left to try and MANAGE your sister. Fill your own cup. you are special, sweet and loving. you are lovable, worthy and loved. You are whole and fulfilled because you can fill your own cup to overflowing and share that with everyone in your life. xo

[profe4]

I am in the same exact boat. I just figured it out after years of being held hostage. I bought the books and found someone local who is an expert. I have no idea how to get her there.  She is very volatile. She is only 19 and left college. She is living with an older man who is on disability for bipolar schizophrenia . She reaches out to me desperately when she pushes him away (and when she needs food and money) She does not hold jobs and lately has not tried. She had a hospitalization for bulimia in High school as well as self harm behaviors. She now is so angry. I am so worried I go running every time she calls at all costs.  I know that practice can help her but I have no idea how to get here there. She is so smart and could have such a bright future. She is also off all her meds right now. She ran out of some and missed the appointments and forgets her depression/anxiety medicine regularly.  Wish I could help but I have the same question. i know I need to get myself help dealing with this , but how can I broach the subject with her and get her there. She knows things are bad, tells me she is hopeless and life sucks,

[AKA Me]

I am going to see a counselor tonight that diagnosed and has dealt with my daughter. She is no longer treating my daughter as my daughter does not understand the diagnosis. What her brain let her hear was that she was borderline of all of those criteria for other mental illness and is not any one of them. She does not understand. My goal at this point is my own sanity and to be able to relate to my daughter in a way that will make her less dependent on my rescuing her. So I can have my life back. This has been terribly heart wrenching for me, as I know it is not her fault or that she is even aware of the effects that her behavior has on me and my life. But I have allowed it in the name of love and parenting. I will always be her mother, but my responsibility for her as a parent  for her life or death must stop now. I have to accept there is really nothing I can do except try to remain loving and supportive within my own boundaries and comfort zone. I just need some tools and more than likely, permission to let her go without feeling like a bad parent. From her perspective it will feel like i am abandoning her, her worst fear. but what she does not realize or can comprehend is that she pushes me away with her behavior and inability to take responsibility for her own actions or inactions. This is part of the disorder and can only get better if they go for help on their own. I will post later after I get some guidance from a professional. This is out of my scope and I have no option but to reach out for help for myself.

[wendydarling]

Hi AKA me and welcome to BPFamily 

I'm glad you found us and sorry what you are dealing with your DD. Many members are in similar situations, you are not alone. Reaching out for help is the right thing to do. 

Can you let us know how your meeting goes.

We are walking with you, forwards.

WDx

[AKA Me]

Good Morning, My meeting with the CBT went well last night. Still it was a sobering conversation and many things that I did not want to hear, but I remained open. I had to uncross my arms and legs and face the counselor's words and the issues at hand. I got some life tools, tools that have been hard for me to use, BOUNDARIES! and why it is necessary to use them.
I asked her the question that had been on my mind but somehow could not manage to say out loud. If I have somehow co created this dis-ease with my daughter by the way that she was raised and the turmoil that her childhood was filled with, isn't it my responsibility to clean it up. She stopped me in that moment and replied with a simple "yes". She then went on to say: if you do truly want to take responsibility in healing your daughter, then you must STOP doing things the way you have always done them (insanity). It has not helped. It is time to do things in a new way that could actually help. Using the S.E.T. U.P. methods and Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
She explained to me it is kind of like talking to your 5 year old. Would you go to all of the extremes that you do now with a 5 year old, or would you say things like: It is time for dinner (the child throws a fit because she is watching TV) mom simply says- you can shut off the tv and come eat dinner or you can go to bed, it is your choice. The child pitches a fit again and the mother makes the same statement. no different, no long explanations of why good girls do this and bad girls do that. This child knows that the mother is serious because she is stable and un moving and uses this technique every time. The child decides to go have dinner.
This is all about strong boundaries and communication without explanations, not getting sucked into an argument or doing things for them that they can do themselves. Which sometimes is very scary because we just are afraid that something terrible will happen if we don't jump or respond. WE have trained them to come running to us by our constant fears: that they will die or hurt themselves or starve to death or just NOT BE THE PERSON THAT WE NEED THEM TO BE. If I can just do this... .just one more time... .if they could just see it... .They can't, not the way that we have been doing things and yes, they may be brought to their knees 1 million times, which means, so will we. Yes they might die, starve, they might hurt themselves? But they are still doing all of this now while we SUPPORT each and every move they make with our interference. If we really want to help them, we need to teach the 5 year old in them the right lessons, that they either forgot along the way or were never taught to begin with. We must forgive ourselves for what ever it is that we thought we did wrong and stop using guilt as a tool to heal. We are the ones that have to change, get better and heal. Because we have a sick child, adult, lover, brother, sister, mother. We have to find the right medicine to heal us so that we can take the extreme measures to really help the people in our life with these disorders. They can heal, but not from the place we are trying to heal them. Forgive yourself for your past ways of dealing with this and get strong and wise, because unless you want this to be YOUR every day life for eternity, somethings got to give. You are in for the fight of your life, to change the things about yourself, that can actually help the other. God speed on your journeys xo AKA Me

[Lilacs]

Aka me
Wow. This is very interesting and helpful. Thank you for sharing. I was going to write to you about your previous post... .
Thank you for showing me the parents perspective. I guess they really do want her to be what they hoped for. This really helped me see their perspective, more than a therapist can tell me, I guess.  It helped me to hear it from a parent w a BPDchild. They are just trying the best for her and maybe are afraid they created it. And in my mind, they probably did.

I hope this doesn't ring true for you but circumstances that happened did in my mind create this. My mother had severe post partum depression when I was born. SEVERE. She had to go back to her parents (in another country) to be with them and get treatment. She needed her family as my parents had no one here. She was told never to have any more children. Fast forward, 6 years later they want another child to "keep Lilacs company in this country bc she will not have any family when we die."  Wow. So she has PPD all over again. This time she goes back to their home country and mom leaves my 9mo old babysis in one city with in laws and goes on to another city to be w her own family. After treatment, mom goes back to pick up babysis who no longer knows her. Mom stays one week and then takes babysis on a plane and comes back to the states. Babysis doesn't know anyone, only barely mom. She will not separate from mom. She will not let 7yo me anywhere near mom. We joked in the family about how she would shove me out of my mom's lap. Or how if I were w mom, I would run away when I saw babysis coming. When she was 4 yo, she would get a fever every Mon, Wed, Fri on the days she had to go to preschool. And on and on. Separation caused too much anxiety. Once as a toddler she shattered a glass shower door bc she was on the other side as mom was taking a shower. She could NOT be separated from her. It was the only person she knew she could trust. Of course she improved and became a functioning kid, and teen, but always a mama's child I guess. But we became best friends and as we got older and I went to college nearby we talked and wrote (snail mail back then). And later would talk for hours on end.  I guess as a college student the fears of separation from me and mom must have come back. I high school she once overdosed on NyQuil when mom discovered her diary. After that parents put no limits on her for fear she would kill herself (I told them this wasn't healthy but they didn't listen).

So there was the cycle of constant attention from me and parents. No rules to live by bc parents feared the worst. And she feared separation. Mix it all up and it's too complex to even think about. But somehow it didn't help.

Anyway, thank you so much for a parents perspective. It has helped me see things in a clearer light that they don't dislike me, they just want the future they saw for her when she was born.

Keep writing. Thanks for getting to the end of this. I think the tough love is the way to go w her. I tried this and she iced me. It's ok. It doesn't hurt this time. I have to figure out how to tell parents all I know. I haven't told them bc I think they will be upset w me, or maybe they will see it as a path to heal her and everyone. Maybe someday. Thanks for the therapy information you received. Hope it goes well for you and your BPD daughter.
Peace
Lilacs

[AKA Me]

Dear Lilacs, I understand your pain and I am happy that what I wrote could provide you with some insight. We are all doing the best that we can, even though sometimes it does not feel that way. Give yourself a pat on the back for being open enough to understand it from a new perspective. You are loved and cherished even if it does not show sometimes. Our only option is to keep learning about our selves and preserve our heart space with forgiveness of others perceived mis-givens from a place where they did not have the right tools, words or being to soothe your soul. As we can admit, even we have not ALWAYS made the best choices and when we forgive others for their fearful actions, we can forgive ourself and get back to a place of loving the best way that we know how.
I feel that I am doing the best that I can do. I can also see areas where by always rescuing and giving in did not help at all. Our relationship is loving in moments, but it is also hurtful and volatile at moments. In this case, I do not have to take the good with the bad, it is not an even exchange. Each person is responsible for 50% of all responsibility in relationships, yes this varies from time to time in normal, loving, healthy relationships but is mostly stable. I can see that my relationship with my daughter has been more of a 95-5 split. this is not healthy for either of us and cannot continue. Why would i continue to hurt myself this way? So seeing that I am not really getting my fair share, it is up to me to set those limits of how I will be treated. and i can do that by treating myself better, understanding that I would not tolerate this behavior from any one else, so why would i tolerate it from any other adult. I will take my baby steps with the new tools, stay firm and loving(not really tough love) but understanding, compassion and giving responsibility back to her. which means not giving in anymore. I have to love me enough to do that for her and I have to love her enough to trust that she can do it. If this relationship fails because she cannot or will not accept her role, then that is on her. But I have faith in the universe that if it brings me a hard problem, it will also provide me with the solution and that is the lesson. My lesson is boundaries.Much love on your journey xo

[wendydarling]

Hi AKA me

You are doing brilliantly!   I'm glad your meeting went well, you found it helpful, while sobering at times it also sounds amazingly productive.  Will you be seeing the therapist again, it can really help us work through this, you deserve support, self-care is important.

As you say we are the ones to change, while we can’t change them, we can lead the way forwards through learning the skills and educating ourselves about BPD and what that means for our loved ones, empowering ourselves. The tools you mention on setting boundaries, SET are here. What can a parent do and also to the right of your screen  My 28DD has just completed 12 months DBT (outpatients) we’ve been learning similar, complimentary skills (me here).

If you've not seen this, you may find it helpful, radical acceptance helps me accept reality of life, without judgement. 1.06 |Radical Acceptance for Family Members (DBT skill)

Does your daughter live with you, is she working, does she accept her diagnosis, you say it's recent?

Baby steps work ... . 

WDx

[AKA Me]

Thank you, I will continue with the counselor on an as needed basis but continue with my learning how to accept and change the parts of me that are not working in my life or others lives. A lot of accepting that their life is not my responsibility. My inability to set boundaries has been a life long struggle for me, not just with my daughter but others as well and i am seeing this whole situation as a way to heal myself and start to uncomfortably unfold a new way, new patterns that will show up as healthy boundaries in all areas of my life. This has all been a huge lesson for me.
My daughter is and has been a very successful business owner, she can take a speck of sand and make it into a sand castle in the sky. She is a capable person, brilliant, and very loving along with her erratic behavior that usually pulls her down the rabbit hole, she dusts herself off and begins again. "This time", she has been brought to her knees with unexplained illness that I tried to let her deal with on her own for nearly 3 months. Being that I did not know what she was dealing with physically or mentally(which was intense) I was sucked back in to help her pick up the pieces. She lives in LA and I in Fla. so way too many miles for me to asses the situation. She came here to Fla nearly 7 weeks ago to undergo treatment with a functional medicine Dr. it was the best option at the time, so that I could continue to work and not put myself into situation where I had no control. She is physically doing very well, But mentally has been a big struggle and it has started to impact me in a negative way. I am finding that drawing boundaries are working well and she is working on a plan to get back home and get back to her life. There have been many set backs that are really out of her control. She is dealing with Mold and Toxic heavy metal poisoning where she was living and had to move, was unable to work and went thru her savings trying to figure this all out on her own. So it has been kind of a cluster F$%k. But I am hanging in for now and understand why I had to rescue once more. She does not accept that she needs help to find ways to handle crisis on her own. She continues to create crisis... .drama... .and I know that I cannot change this for her, no matter how much I want her to be different not only for me, but for her as well. I cannot make her shift, I can bring her to the doctor, but not make her swallow the diagnosis and so now I understand that I can only do so much, the rest will be up to her and I have to let go. It is terribly sad for me to not always rescue. It is not my normal way, but it will become my normal way, with the help of the many tools form the counselor, reaching out to talk and get advise, sharing what I am learning. i will build that new muscle, but building new muscle takes time, patience and understanding: if I put the work in now, no matter how much it hurts, i will reap the rewards.
Thank you for sharing the info and links. i will for sure look into them. I am actually a great student and I am open for any and all suggestions and conversations. I hope to inspire others to remain open and trust in themselves that they can also learn how to help our loved ones the best way, even when it does not feel good. their muscles can develop as well. It all starts within ourselves. No more looking for change in others. we must change ourselves. xo

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders