First time here - So glad to find this message board

[EmpatheticWife2B]

Hi
I am in a romantic relationship with someone who (in my opinion) suffers from BPD. I love this man very much. Apart from the challenges of riding the roller coaster with him, the relationship is very close and is worth fighting for. There are aspects of our love and friendship that I have been waiting for a very long time. Nothing is perfect, I'm surely not, and I don't expect him to be either.

My hope for joining this list is to be able to share my feelings and experiences with others anonymously, as I don't really feel I can openly discuss this matter with any one in my family or in my circle of friends. It's an intensely personal subject.

I don't know what else to write right now, I only just stumbled here after finding this resource in a book I just read about BPD (I've read 3 in 2 weeks).

Let's see how this goes... .
Thanks for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Welcome EmpatheticWife2B!  I am excited for you that you've found this board relatively early in the relationship.  Many of us wandered without support for years and years.  Reading books has been a big help for me.  Which ones have you read?  They are a great way to get oriented.

Are there one or two specific issues you're facing, or situations/behaviors that arise that it might be good to discuss?  Sometimes I come looking for specific advice, but I have also often found it a huge help just to hear from others who have had similar experiences.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi EmpatheticWife2B and Welcome! 

I'm glad you found us and have been researching about the condition in order to help both yourself and your partner.  Knowledge is power and gives us valuable insights into understanding what the behaviours are and why they occur.  Also there is a great deal of value in learning how to respond to these behaviours effectively to reduce the impact on both of you.  You'll find lots of great information here, and I always recommend the lessons and tools to the right of the board as a positive starting point.

How long have you been in the relationship?  Feel free to share as much as you wish in your own time.  Reading others' posts will help you to note similarities in experiences and outcomes that can be really helpful in allowing you to feel less alone in the situation you find yourself in.  Being in a BPD r/s requires patience, understanding and empathy.  Others who do not have this type of r/s can find it difficult to relate, however here you will be met by others who can totally relate and understand the stumbling blocks, which is a huge comfort and relief I find.

Would you like to share what traits you feel your partner demonstrates behaviours of?  Your posts will also help others who are in a similar situation.  Keep reading and posting and be assured, you will be understood.

Love and light x 

[EmpatheticWife2B]

HI

Sorry it took me several days to reply. One of my challenges has been finding a way to engage in this discussion board without his knowledge! It feels like I'm sneaking around... .keeping a secret from him which is a very uncomfortable feeling. But after reading other posts for about the last hour or so, I know I need this community to help maintain my sanity.

The books I read so far are: Stop Walking on Eggshells, I Hate You Don't Leave Me and Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. All 3 were extremely helpful in different ways. I've only stumbled upon the topic of BPD about 6 weeks ago, and already have learned to implement some of the validation techniques which I find do sometimes work (but not always). In each book, I underlined so many words, phrases, even entire paragraphs that completely describe the behaviors of my uBPD bf. It's completely changed the way I view his behavior (and my own.)

Today, however, was a BIG FAIL. I felt particularly drained after about 72 straight hours of being in my uBPD boyfriend's shark tank of scrutiny, false accusations and criticism. I lost my cool. I blew up at him, told him to go F--- himself and left him in the middle of the street. I went home, he went home (we don't live together).

I sat home brewing for an hour or two telling myself I'd be better off without him, but then started reading this board and my empathy for his condition melted my resolve. This always happens: I think I should be better off without him and then my resolve melts and all I want to do is try better the next time to understand this illness. I love him so much, I know he is worth it. But it's SO MUCH HARD WORK for the non-BPD, because my feelings count too. It's not easy to always have to be the one to put on the armor and not be hurt by his digs, not be exhausted by the inconsistencies, not be insulted by the suspicion and false accusations. Just when I think I've heard it all, he comes up with a new way I've offended/disrespected him. Just when I think I've heard it all, he comes up with something new I've never said or I've never done to fight over. All through this, I'm doing my best to love him through it for both our sake, but it's takes a lot out of me. I'm only human, my armor can crack from time to time... .

[snowglobe]

@Emphateticwife2B, I can relate to the feeling of guilt from being here. Even though I know that being on this site is far healthier then fuming and throwing myself a pity party. I can't help but feel like I'm letting my uBPDh down. The feeling of inadequacy is normal, given the circumstances. I also find myself trying to separate the disorder from the person I know and love so much. Today was particularly hard, he is splitting and withdrawn. I find myself thinking about "running away" or "unleashing ugly", typical fight or flight response for a nervious sytem. Be kind to yourself. From what you are describing your are doing the best you can 

[Radcliff]

Hi EmpatheticWife2B,

Don't beat yourself up about it.  As it happens, I lost my cool today too.  This is messy.  It happens!  By learning what you're learning and making the effort you are, you are light years ahead of many.  Feel good about what you've accomplished, and keep going!

[EmpatheticWife2B]

... .find myself trying to separate the disorder from the person I know and love so much.

@Snowglobe - YES! This is a strategy I am working on. When he's flying off the handle I try to remember a bunch of stuff I underlined from my readings: he's scared, he's lost control of his emotions but he doesn't always know why, he's going to feel ashamed and embarrassed when this is all over, he still loves me. In the few weeks I've been practicing this I've seen it does work to a degree, no doubt of this. And when his episodes are separated by some down time, I know I will be able to handle this. It's just days like the last few, where he had episode after episode one after another back to back, I just cracked.

[Harley Quinn]

Is your partner diagnosed and does he seek/receive any treatment for his condition?  In other words, does he acknowledge and take any responsibility for his behaviours?  It is a great deal of hard work for partners of pwBPD to maintain the calm, empathetic, understanding that is required even in the face of what can be highly distressing dysfunction.  It doesn't all have to be one sided though.  Every relationship is worth investment from both parties. 

Love and light x

[EmpatheticWife2B]

@Harley Quinn,
He is (so far as I know) undiagnosed. He does see a counselor once a week. Out of respect for his privacy, I have never asked him why he sees the counselor, but I think at least he is aware that he has issues he needs help with. However, I am under the impression the counselor is not an actual psychotherapist, psychiatrist or medical doctor of any kind, but more of a layperson with guidance counseling credentials. I'm glad at least he is aware he needs help (with something) and that he has sought it.

I actually started a new thread earlier today asking for advice on how to approach the subject of BPD with him. I don't think this is news he would take well and would very likely turn it around on me.

Just some background:
We first met in 2006 and dated for about a year. It ended very badly when, after several episodes of what I can only describe as BPD-related false accusations and raging, I literally RAN out the door. At the time, I had never heard of BPD nor had I tried to research what might have caused his odd behavior. All I knew is that I felt like my character was constantly being attacked and I couldn't take it any more.

Fast forward to 2009, when we re-connected again very briefly, but it ended again when I couldn't take the inconsistency of his position on our relationship.

Fast forward to 2016, when we re-connected again! This time, we are now in our early fifties, older, wiser (I hope), more patient people. I have accepted that I have loved this man now for about 10 years, have never felt a connection quite like this with anyone else, and we are a great match on several levels. He feels the same, and when he's not BPD-ing he's WONDERFUL and I mean that in capital letters - AMAZING partner! We are both very happy, that is, most of the time.

But, then there's the times when where NOT.

I believe most of his episodes are triggered by the anxiety he feels when we're apart for more than a couple of days. We do not live together, but live in adjacent states within 90 minutes of one another. I frequently spend nights at his place (he less so at mine) but sometimes we are not together for several days and nights in a row. It is during these periods that he seems to spend his time trolling my social media accounts (Facebook, and more recently Instagram). He questions me about nearly every single comment or "like" coming from a member of the male species. I have been interrogated countless times about photos and online engagement going back to 2012, expecting me to have remembered that far back the who/what/where etc. of any post I liked or someone else commenting on mine. He uses social media as a tool to scour my past (and present) and draws the oddest and most inaccurate conclusions about what kind of person I have been in the past, or who I am today. He invents "back stories" for pictures and posts for which he doesn't know or understand the context; he usually casts me in the most unflattering role in these made up stories, and then gets very angry at me.

It's extremely difficult to defend myself against a completely made up story.

I read in one of the other posts something about JADE (justify/argue/defend/explain) which is EXACTLY what I've been doing. Didn't know this is only going to feed the fire. I'm going to read more about how not to JADE when he goes down this road.

I think it's important to point out my SO is absolutely non-violent. He would never hurt a hair on my head and I always feel completely safe with him. It's the emotional safety that is sometimes in question. I don't always feel I'm in a safe space to express myself the way I would normally would with anyone else; I have to edit my words, edit my tone, edit my facial expressions, even my non-verbal gestures sometimes can trigger him.

As I write this post, we are post-major argument so we are taking a break for a few days. We've tried this before, only to miss one another terribly and wind up back together. I already know the pattern: he goes off on me for some imagined (or exaggerated) event, gives me the silent treatment for a few days, and when he's feeling stable again he'll reach out as if nothing ever happened. We hardly even talk about it, we just move on. I'm not sure if that's the healthy way to go about it... .

Gonna leave it here for now. Thanks for the safe space to write down my feelings, it does help.