Baby Due in Two Months...

[Surfer]

For years we have struggled. My belief was if I just love more, maybe the woman I love can heal; things did not get better. BPD was brought up some years ago by my my doc, but she has never been diagnosed and it's been brought up again by a new doc as well.

For years I have asked for something that is very important to me: "When you are unhappy, talk/treat me like I am someone you love." I know that I am asking for something that may not be possible and it hurts. After saying she would get help for years, nothing has happened, and now I feel like I was trapped/guilted into having a child that I asked if we could pause to get better first. I take responsibility for saying yes, but was told she would get help. I did not understand the gravity of this problem and now understand it for most things that fall into the BPD category.

Now, I am trying to figure out if this can get better and if it doesn't, do I leave before the birth. She just wants me to go back to how I was (taking it), but I have finally said no, things have to change. Now she is in her throws of panic and calls crying in desperation, which breaks my heart, especially when made to feel guilty for not making this pregnancy whatever expecatation she set. I am not a person that does well showing tough love to someone I care about.

I just feel like this whole thing falls on me: suck it up and deal with it, or walk away. Better would be if she got the help she needed, but it seems like she is using every else as a discussion point and not the emotional abuse that I have asked to stop. So, I feel like I am holding out for her to stop justifying, accept, and move forward, but don't know if this is asking for something that may not be possible.

Any thoughts or insights would be helpful. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Well, this is a very difficult time with a baby on the way. A lot is about to change for both of you either way here. I would recommend reading through the lessons here. There really is a lot one person can do to repair a relationship. There are ways to hold your boundaries and yet not push the other person away in terms of communication - and pushing someone with BPD away is very distressing. Did you see the poll here on behaviors? I don't have the link handy, but it is a good way to stop and look at our own behavior and see our role in this. And there is a link on the side here that says "Understanding your role in the relationship." Take care!

[pearlsw]

Wanted to add that it helped when I started to recognize he was not just "evil", while I was "awesome", that I could find a way to make sense of his behaviors and take steps to respond in more effective ways.  While I did not ask for this, I am now a part of it. Seeing it as an illness (emotional dysregulation) helps make it more mentally manageable for me.

[Minspain]

Well, I have personal experience of this, so I hope this helps...

My Ex BPD partner stated that she was pregnant, just after we had decided to end the relationship. It was a very worring time for me especially as I thought she might make a very bad mother. My little boy is now 3 years old and actually he has given his mum some responsibility, unconditional love and dare I say, some stability. He now lives near me with his mum and I pay for a flat and maintenance. This is costly, but worth it as I get to see him often. In terms of the BPD, it is certainly still there, she has 'abandonded' my son on me a couple of times and can be greatful for my help one day and demonise me the next for no reason, she thanks me for my son, then tells me I am the worst father in the world. Today is good and I am am with my son, tomorrow could be good or bad, re how his mum behaves, but I have a duty through love for my son to give him as much stability in his life as possible. One day he will be a teenager and not so dependent on his mum or her behavior, I have three other kids so I know they grow up quickly. To a great extent my role  to my ex BPD is to observe at a distance and do the best I can to make her life more stable. Some would say just let her suffer, but then my son suffers so that is not an option and she is ill, it's not really by choice. Every time she explodes, she normally calms down quickly, so it's really a matter of seeing it through, taking a deep breath and waiting for the calm to return.

Do what is morally right for your new child, that way you can sleep at night. My son sleeps 10 hrs, so I don't think he has too many worrying thoughts and most of the time he sees his mum and dad as 'friends', receiving love from both of them.

It will not be easy, but there are good times and your job is simply to be stable in the life of your new baby.

It's funny really, compared to many mothers my ex BPD doesn't stress much at all with my son, she just takes it all out on me at times 

[Surfer]

I can't thank you enough for sharing your story. This was exactly what I needed ❤️