Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting from BPD/NPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

New to this site, but I have heard good things about it.  I have a spouse with features of overlapping BPD/NPD.  Refuses to seek diagnosis or treatment.  Same disorder runs in his family.  He had a breakdown some years ago, after which he became worse.  Behind my back, he began indoctrinating our children into hating their mother (me).  Convinced them of false memories of abuse.  He eventually announced a divorce, and when he did, the kids (teens) turned from Jekyll to Hyde almost overnight.  They became cruel and hateful towards me, with no explanation whatsoever.  They were treated with loving care all the years of their lives.  Zero abuse.  I understand this sudden unreasonable hatred is due to Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting.  Dr. Craig Childress' website/writing was the most helpful to me in understanding this condition.  When Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting is severe, as in our case, it is caused by a parent with NPD and or BPD, who then has a Shared Psychosis with the children.  The latter is not as rare as once thought.  I have never been more shocked in my life, though, than when I experienced my kids changing like this.  They behave this way only to me, not to people outside the home.  They have become very, very cruel, physically aggressive, and insult me with every foul name and insult they can think of.   They have destroyed many of my belongings.  I am living in the family home, still, with husband and kids, until legal matters are resolved.  My safety is at risk regularly, but I keep thinking that if I do not reach through to my kids now, when the divorce is final they will go with Dad, and our relationship will be gone.  Yes, it happens that way with Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting.  Kids brainwashed like this are often gone from the targeted parent's life forever.  Many years at the very least.  So I stay to see whether I might still reach them.  These Personality Disorders are a horror.   

[FlawedDesign]

Hi,

New to this site, but I have heard good things about it.  I have a spouse with features of overlapping BPD/NPD.  Refuses to seek diagnosis or treatment.  Same disorder runs in his family.  He had a breakdown some years ago, after which he became worse.  Behind my back, he began indoctrinating our children into hating their mother (me).  Convinced them of false memories of abuse.  He eventually announced a divorce, and when he did, the kids (teens) turned from Jekyll to Hyde almost overnight.  They became cruel and hateful towards me, with no explanation whatsoever.  They were treated with loving care all the years of their lives.  Zero abuse.  I understand this sudden unreasonable hatred is due to Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting.  Dr. Craig Childress' website/writing was the most helpful to me in understanding this condition.  When Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting is severe, as in our case, it is caused by a parent with NPD and or BPD, who then has a Shared Psychosis with the children.  The latter is not as rare as once thought.  I have never been more shocked in my life, though, than when I experienced my kids changing like this.  They behave this way only to me, not to people outside the home.  They have become very, very cruel, physically aggressive, and insult me with every foul name and insult they can think of.   They have destroyed many of my belongings.  I am living in the family home, still, with husband and kids, until legal matters are resolved.  My safety is at risk regularly, but I keep thinking that if I do not reach through to my kids now, when the divorce is final they will go with Dad, and our relationship will be gone.  Yes, it happens that way with Parental Alienation/Pathogenic Parenting.  Kids brainwashed like this are often gone from the targeted parent's life forever.  Many years at the very least.  So I stay to see whether I might still reach them.  These Personality Disorders are a horror.   

[Harley Quinn]

Hi FlawedDesign and Welcome to the family 

I'm truly sorry to hear about what you're experiencing.  Can't imagine what you must be going through.  So glad that you found us and felt strong enough to reach out for help.  The tools on the site may help with communication with your kids and I'd encourage you to read the articles that resonate with you to help you to remain centred during this difficult time.  It sounds like you are well informed and that's very reassuring. 

They behave this way only to me, not to people outside the home.  They have become very, very cruel, physically aggressive, and insult me with every foul name and insult they can think of.   They have destroyed many of my belongings.

I know how difficult this is to accept when it is coming from your own children, however what you describe here is clearly domestic abuse.  For which reason I'd be tempted to look into contacting a local agency who can support you through this.  They will also be used to helping people to deal with situations like the one you're experiencing and may be able to offer you advice and guidance that you wouldn't get from other types of service (police, solicitors, etc.)  The emotional impact on you is something they also should be able to support you with and this will be very important in helping you to retain the strength you need to attempt to change what is happening in your family.  How long has this been going on for?

I am living in the family home, still, with husband and kids, until legal matters are resolved.  My safety is at risk regularly, but I keep thinking that if I do not reach through to my kids now, when the divorce is final they will go with Dad, and our relationship will be gone.

Is your solicitor fully aware of the environment you're living in and can anything be done to affect the legal process you find yourself in due to these circumstances?  Your mention of safety issues has me worried about you.  I can understand your concerns about the outcome of the divorce, yet your safety must come first.  I was in a violent r/s with my ex partner and one of the most helpful things the local DV support service did was to help me to devise a safety plan.  To be on the safe side I'd suggest you look at this as it made a huge difference to me, in knowing what to do in different situations and plan ahead.  Do you have a safety plan in place for yourself?  We have a link here to some guidance notes that can be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm

Please do have a read if you've not already looked at this as I hope it may contain something that helps you.  Again, nothing can rival looking at your unique situation with an expert in these things.

Keep in touch with us.  I'll be keen to know how you are doing and particularly to hear of any changes either way.  We are here for you.

Love and light x