Regarding the predictable

[Bushes]

Updating my previous post as of now the last she mentioned today was that she is still in the same mind set around wanting to get together Saturday and all that she had said the other night. I can't believe I'm in this situation. It is playing out like a predictable script, and I feel more like a spectator watching and awaiting the disaster to hit. I am still leaning, despite my best judgement, to meeting with her for the afternoon to just do a little walk and talk somewhere. Knowing full well the sequence of events that are bound to follow. That is unless things change in her mind before then. Which of course is not only possible but likely. Maybe the slim possibility of re writing our past relationship with a somewhat normal ending is what has me drawn in. It may just be beneficial to the both of us. Unless I'm rationalizing which is another very real possibility. No matter I am definitely not prepared to do anything but talk if we do reach Saturday with no change of heart on her part. I am committed to avoiding anything remotely close to physical contact outside of anything other than platonic. And if we do meet Saturday I can't see any point in meeting again. I may be deluding myself and think I probably am but I hold out hope despite myself that we can reach a healthy understanding and be able to at the very least move on with a remembrance of the good times instead of the hurt and lies , infidelity etc. I may be looking just to see if I can. If anyone has an outside but informed perspective I would very much like to hear any opinions as it is likely I'm not thinking clearly.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JaxDK]

Be careful with your heart or feelings. The process you have gone through to get this far can be set back to a place you dont want to be in. Realize she has her own agenda completely different from your own with you two meeting up. It will likely not be with the same intentions and one of you risk ending up hurt/disappointed even split.

[once removed]

hey Bushes,

in your prior post you said she is in a relationship, do i have that right?

i want to make sure i do, because its going to color my advice on how to approach this.

[Bushes]

Yes Once Removed that's the idea. The lawyer type fellow that was " helping " her through her court appearance that she had relations with and was my replacement. She has stuck it out with him. Of course preceding her all night call filled with apologies and declarations of love take a guess as to whether or not he had just been cruel to her. I know. I really do. I guess I'm hoping to get some sense and remaining as to how this script normally plays out. She just sounds so darn sincere. Which again I know , I know. If I'm honest with myself though I truly believe I am not interested in resuming our relationship. Just hoping to change the ending to one less surreal and focused around her BPD. I was surprised to hear her say how her mood disorder ruins things for her. In any case she is on the extreme end of the spectrum and has been diagnosed as such so I harbour no illusions. I do really respect your opinion and look forward to hearing your thoughts. Thank you so very much.

[Bushes]

Thank you Jax you make complete sense and it really helps hearing you say it. It's that sort of reminding and reinforcement that I really need right now. Most likely she will do a 180 before Saturday anyway if I was to bet on it.  I will definitely provide an update. Thanks again I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me it's a huge help in reminding myself the progress I've made and not to fall back to square one or worse.

[once removed]

so it sounds like youre looking for a bit of closure, a better note to go out on.

okay. then i think you have the right strategy as far as doing nothing physical - doing nothing really, but talking. i dont think you want to be a spectator or watch a script play out. you have a choice and a say in how this plays out.

what is it you plan on talking about and saying? any idea?

[Bushes]

Well again this would hinge on her not flipping as I suspect she will. Even though she has said she won't and drove that point strongly we both know that can change minute to minute. I think a few things could be discussed if it does actually come to pass. Considering she did tell me initially about her BPD diagnosis and has alluded to it from time to time and more specifically during our last all night talk i would like to discuss that a bit. Touchy as I'm sure that will prove to be. Specifically express my understanding and perhaps achieve agreement that in a sad way the stronger her feelings the less likely things were or are to work out relationship wise. And convey the fact as I have recently tried that I understand the difficulty and understand and hold no ill will due to that fact. See if we can be ok with that reality. And on the topic of possibly reuniting the fact that even though regret, remorse , apologies and even accountability has been expressed in a convincingly sincere manner, that is the one thing I cannot get past BPD or not. That may be my own issue and while some may be able to get past that I cannot. Also the one issue that would continually arise was the perception I didn't spend enough time with her. Even though I devoted nearly more like every single spare minute I had with her it will never be enough. I have a job I need to attend daily and am not able to spend that time with her. Nor am I responsible for being a caretaker. Ideally as an adult person, requiring daily visits or dropping everything to go and see her to ensure all is ok is not a responsibility I am comfortable with. Again laying no blame. That even in a world where we were to reunite that same issue would come up very soon. 3 days without contact is described back to me as 2 weeks. In any event if she needs constant 24 7 companionship I am not able to provide that. Believe me when I say every moment I wasn't working or travelling to and from was spent either with her or explaining why I wasn't. Up until the last week or so. I would also like to talk about the good times we had and perhaps share some laughs between discussing these issues. And also the fact that she is still in contact with the replacement I take to show as contrary to what she has been telling me about her true feelings and wish to reunite. The fact she is unable or unwilling to see the disconnect there or how that would make me feel to me shows a lack of empathy and a sense of emotional detachment. Conscious or unconscious, purposeful or not in the end isn't relevant. Again I want to reiterate nothing is coming from a sense of blame or anger. My intentions are to be as kind and understanding as humanly possible. And I don't plan to allow an argument to develop or to be adversarial. Quite the opposite. And if things turn that direction I will just drop it. Again, this all hinges on her not flipping and I do suspect that will be the outcome and our meeting most likely won't come to pass. But she has held onto this desire for a few days so I may be wrong in that assumption. Thanks for your help here, I can't tell you how much it means to me and how helpful it is.

[once removed]

personally? i would recommend you dont relitigate the breakup/the relationship issues and stay away from emotional topics (BPD, or anything else), for a host of reasons (if she relitigates anything in the past, dont shut her down, but deftly change the subject). let that all be history, and simply have a good time. talk about what youre up to in your life, where youve grown. i think you might be surprised in finding this does end things on a better note. it is also generally recommended here that if you were to revive the relationship, to consider the old relationship dead, and the new iteration a new relationship. i think youd achieve your original goal, and have a better path to reuniting eventually, should both of you desire to. what do you think?

[Bushes]

Yes I guess you make good points around the relationship issues and the BPD topic. I think it was just the fact that she had mentioned it that made me think it may be an approachable topic. To be honest though without discussing at least briefly the reasons we have ended up where we have I don't think I would be able to have a good time. I'm certain of it actually. I would just see her in that context and I don't think that would be good for either of us. Definitely not. Reviving the relationship or reuniting at any point in the future is not something I am open to or willing to agree to. Of that at the moment I am certain. And if I feel my opinion changing if we do meet I plan on removing myself from her presence. Even if she were to say she would go back to her therapy I still don't have faith things would or more likely could ever change. That is the opposite of the outcome I would like to see. So I will weigh your thoughts and suggestions with the highest of respect based on your experience and knowledge in this area. And then I'm thinking at this moment perhaps I would be better off skipping the entire thing, letting her know I think continued NC would be best , at least for me. Again having gained much more insight into BPD and the shared experiences of others I do expect when the time comes I will more likely than not hear nothing from her and the day will come and go as if no plans were made and no discussion of her feelings and professed love had ever occurred. So in the end it may all be moot. Either way I will most certainly provide an update either way. My money is on not hearing anything and being ignored if I reach out when the time comes. So if I do indeed end up hearing nothing come Saturday I will most likely not reach out, enjoy the day doing something for myself and continue the NC I had been making great progress with . Again, any thoughts on this I would really appreciate.

[once removed]

okay. i think if youre both open to broaching the topic(s) and you have no intentions of reviving the relationship (or the whole exchange necessarily going well) then it cant hurt. take all the usuals into consideration; it sounds like you are.

[Bushes]

Yes , I'm basically hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. My goal is to be friendly and respectful yet my time of avoiding certain topics to accommodate a BPD mindset are over. Not to say I'm not ready and willing to drop the same topics to avoid unpleasantness. But the idea of avoidance for the benefit of another while not receiving the same in return is not something I will participate in any longer BPD or no. Again I will drop any trigger topics in quick time. And I know I have no intentions of reviving any sort of relationship I just can't see that happening.