Exhausted from the rollercoaster

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been separated from my ex for 3 years. We have two amazing boys for which I am thankful for. It took me many years of protecting myself, my kids and my ex from his behavior to finally realize I couldn't cope anymore. I was exhausted and physically breaking down. I developed arrhythmia due to the stress of the relationship.  He is a very successful business man and he and his family justified his behavior because he was successful.
There were always signs that he was emotionally unstable but he convinced me this was normal. I was dependent on him and we had two kids when he became an emotional wreck. When we were in marriage counseling I called his emotional break downs tantrums. He was basically acting like a 3 year old when he was home. Nobody saw his behavior. He was and is an incredible salesman and was able to fool the world to some degree. His drive to show everyone he is better than anyone else is incredible and is what has caused my so much pain post divorce. He wants to have the perfect family and will not let me go. He threatens my abilities as a mother if I do not speak to him. He says I'm harming the boys by not talking to him. I'm actually afraid to talk to him. He has no boundaries. I feel he'll get carried away if I give him any kind of verbal communication. I move an inch in his direction and he comes at me like a freight train. It's exhausting and he just doesn't seem to get it. It's like a broken record. Our conversations go in circles.
I only want to talk by text or email. I also only want to talk about the kids. He won't agree to this. His texts are emotionally abusive if I don't agree to do things the way he wants. It's hard to ignore them.  I usually take the abuse, cry and not answer his acusations. I answer sometimes and I get no response. It's almost like he just wants a reaction to show I'm hurt.
Help

[Boomerang1192]

I've been separated from my ex for 3 years. We have two amazing boys for which I am thankful for. It took me many years of protecting myself, my kids and my ex from his behavior to finally realize I couldn't cope anymore. I was exhausted and physically breaking down. I developed arrhythmia due to the stress of the relationship.  He is a very successful business man and he and his family justified his behavior because he was successful.
There were always signs that he was emotionally unstable but he convinced me this was normal. I was dependent on him and we had two kids when he became an emotional wreck. When we were in marriage counseling I called his emotional break downs tantrums. He was basically acting like a 3 year old when he was home. Nobody saw his behavior. He was and is an incredible salesman and was able to fool the world to some degree. His drive to show everyone he is better than anyone else is incredible and is what has caused my so much pain post divorce. He wants to have the perfect family and will not let me go. He threatens my abilities as a mother if I do not speak to him. He says I'm harming the boys by not talking to him. I'm actually afraid to talk to him. He has no boundaries. I feel he'll get carried away if I give him any kind of verbal communication. I move an inch in his direction and he comes at me like a freight train. It's exhausting and he just doesn't seem to get it. It's like a broken record. Our conversations go in circles.
I only want to talk by text or email. I also only want to talk about the kids. He won't agree to this. His texts are emotionally abusive if I don't agree to do things the way he wants. It's hard to ignore them.  I usually take the abuse, cry and not answer his acusations. I answer sometimes and I get no response. It's almost like he just wants a reaction to show I'm hurt.
Help

[hope2727]

You are doing great. Keep it calm and factual. Really consider do I even have to respond to this? Usually the answer is no. He wants a reaction. Don't give him one. You are so strong. You don't even know how strong you are. You are not alone. There are many people here in the same boat. Don't give up.   

[david]

I only communicate through email. In fact, I had it put in our court order. Over time I learned to stay focused on our boys and ignore all the rest. Eventually the attacks died down. I still get some but nowhere near the amount I used to get. It takes time but it does get better.

[Panda39]

Hi Boomerang1192,

It's sounds to me like you are definitely getting some common behaviors (which are exhausting   and that you are on the right track... .minimal contact and only about the kids.

... .It's like a broken record. Our conversations go in circles.

Circular arguments are a common occurrence in a BPD relationship.  It sounds counter intuitive but try not to get sucked into the argument... .Don't JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain).  When he tries to suck you into the drama try not to take the bait... .He says your a horrible mother for example, you know you're not a bad mom, your kids know you're not a bad mom, your family and friends know you're not a bad mom, so there is no need to jump in the drama by defending yourself. Below are a couple of links on JADE & Circular Arguments.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0  

I only want to talk by text or email. I also only want to talk about the kids.  

I would suggest email.  Make that a boundary don't ask just tell him that you will be communicating via email from now on.  :)on't respond to phone calls or text messages, only respond if he emails. If he wants a response from you he will have to email.  Email is good in several ways, first it is a way to document your stbxh's behaviors should you need this information for court/divorce, and it slows down your interaction with him so you have time to think about your response.  Is the email all Boomerang bashing?  Then there is no need to respond (this is not mean or rude it is a boundary) Is the email actually a legitimate concern regarding the kids then yes you respond.  Try to use BIFF (Brief Informative Friendly Firm) in other words keep it short and sweet (remember he could be keeping records too).  Use the time that emailing affords you to slow down and think, don't just jump in with your usual knee jerk reaction that takes you into an argument.

I know all of the chaos, and the bullying is exhausting but hang in there and learn as much as you can.  Knowledge is power, and there is a lot of collective knowledge and experience among the members here that you can tap into.  

I know other members will be along with more comments and ideas soon.

Hang in there,  
Panda39

[livednlearned]

I'm really sorry it's still like this 3 years after the relationship ended.

What are some examples of what he says by text? Maybe we can walk alongside you and think through together how best to respond.

My ex made similar accusations, and was also emotionally abusive. There are strategies that can help make things better.

I went through a phase where I had a trusted friend read my ex's emails and she would let me know if I needed to respond. I learned to never respond by text, and stopped reading his texts altogether. The combination of BPD and texting is particularly ruinous.

It may be hard to make even small changes - he might have an extinction burst, which is the build-up of abusive behavior designed to test the new boundary to see if it is real. Sharing what you are experiencing here can be so helpful, to remind you that you're not alone, and to get suggestions about effective ways to respond (or not).

LnL

[david]

I actually got rid of texting for a few years to get my ex to communicate through email only. She tried calling and I would never pick up if it was her number. If she left a message I would not reply unless she sent an email. Ex then started calling from unknown phone numbers. I stopped answering any call that I did not recognize. If she left a voicemail with a number I would put that number in my phone book to let me know the next time she called. I had 6 additional phone numbers that she tried calling me from and left voicemails ? I stuck to email only communication. Our boys were 4 and 8 when this all started and I can honestly say we never had an emergency that we (ex and I) needed to talk to each other. They are 14 and 18 now.
I used to get emails , that if printed, would be three or four pages long. She accused me of all kinds of things. In the beginning I tried to defend myself, explain myself, etc. That just led to more back and forth. Eventually I stopped taking the bait. If the email was three pages long and there was one thing that pertained to our boys that I thought needed an answer I would answer that one thing with a sentence. I tried to never exceed three sentences. I got good at short and to the point. Over time ex was no longer getting what she wanted from me and she reduced her content. That took three or four years. I still get an occasional nasty email but they are short. I read them and put them in a file just in case I need it for court. I haven't been in court for over 5 years now. Once ex stopped "winning" she no longer pursued that route. IT was the same for her emails.

[bunny4523]

Over time ex was no longer getting what she wanted from me and she reduced her content. Once ex stopped "winning" she no longer pursued that route. IT was the same for her emails.

I think that is the key - simply said... .":)on't engage" in the rage.  Hard to learn to do that when for years we learn to  "communicate" because that is a back and forth discussion usually used to resolve a conflict between people. It just doesn't work for people with BPD.  Understanding that is a very useful tool.  

Boomerang I think if you can master the skill of receiving but not engaging that will help you.  Trying to avoid it is probably giving you anxiety... .I remember that phase when I went through it.  Now I'm at the point where I think through my dilemna and I come up with a resolution.  However the ex responds to it is on her (I'm referring to my husband's ex wife)  She can get mad and rage if she wants.  I try to look at her the way I would a small child who is mad over something ridiculous like not being able to wear his tennis shoes to bed or eat brownies for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I hope you find something that works for you. There are lots of suggestions on these boards and I'm sure you will find something that works for you.  :)efinately don't get caught up in defending yourself.  Remember to tell yourself after reading a mean text, "this is ridiculous and I'm not even going to acknowlege it by responding."

I have a quote I really like "My silence doesn't mean I agree with your statement.  It's just that the level of your ignorance has rendered me speechless."  

Build yourself up... .your not doing anything wrong and he may never know that... .but he doesn't need to.  Only you need to know it.

Hang tough,

Bunny

[ForeverDad]

Have you heard about gaslighting?

I recall someone saying here that the other person only has as much power over you as you allow them to have.  Some have even phrased it as, Don't let them live rent-free in your head.  Yes, it's not easy, there's no way it can't hurt, but don't gift them power over you to hurt you more.  The point is that you may not be able to stop them from saying negative things, but you don't have to give them any credence - or even to listen to that drivel.

The person claims you are the problem or caused the conflict?  In all likelihood, that's blame-shifting, projection and gaslighting.

Have you watched the 1944 movie Gaslight?  (The British made a similar movie in 1940.)  The man, a criminal who wormed his way into a girl's life and married her, was able to make his new wife doubt herself for a long time.  He turned the lights (gaslight) up and down and insisted to her they never dimmed.  She began doubting herself, let him isolate her from friends, almost committed herself to an asylum, etc.  Just because it was a movie doesn't mean it doesn't happen.