New Behavior and It Scares Me

[Tattered Heart]

Last week my H told me that he thinks he has BPD. He began watching videos of people describing their BPD symptoms and related to many of them.

Since then, he has begun to talk about killing himself. A part of me thinks that by him just reading about other people with BPD being suicidal has planted these thoughts OR he is trying to conform to the pattern of BPD OR he is really going through something and needs to get help.

I'm not sure how to navigate these waters as I've never had to go through this with him. I did ask him if he was seriously thinking of hurting himself and asked if he would be ok at home by himself today. He said that he would not hurt himself and his emotions from earlier had calmed down a little. (He is in IT and just got back from a work trip and is upset about the rate of speed at which technology is evolving. He says he is not a part of this world because he doesn't want to get on board with it. PLUS he has to have a hard conversation with his boss about hiring people to help him and his boss has been hostile towards him in the past)

Any advice from someone who has worked through this behavior with their pwBPD in the past? I'm just at a lost as to how to get him to get help.

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[JoeBPD81]

Hi TH,
I've heard it many times, hundreds, but it scares me everytime. Even if by now I should know she won't do it, I don't think we should take it lightly.

Maybe he had those thoughts before, but he couldn't say it. The good news is that saying it, it helps them. It takes a lot of pressure off their minds.

I'm with the phone, hope I can write you later. Don't despair, but check on him often, and validate, validate, validate.

[flourdust]

What sort of crisis services are available in your area? My county has a crisis hotline that will do suicide risk evaluation. Even if nothing of that sort is available, there are national services you can call.

I always urge people in this situation to remember that they are not responsible or trained for delivering suicide prevention services. If your husband was complaining that he thought he might be having a heart attack, would you try to figure out how you were going to treat it?

[JoeBPD81]

Back here.

Maybe you can use this to justify some reading and searching on your own: "you spoke about suicide, so I had to learn as much as I could". You can redirect him to some video about recovery like this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=967Ckat7f98&t=2431s

How old is he? You can say how much he has acomplished in X years being in the dark. And now he's gonna have more tools to acomplish more and be happier about it. Ask him to take it slow, too much to learn can seem impossible to do and make him feel hopeless. It's ok to be one day, one week, one month without learning new things.

Old school IT guys are the real deal, we had to write our own programs in really crappy computers, and we know how things work for real. New things always sound dumb, unnecesary and a pain in the ... .But when we put our minds to it, we get it faster than the young people who never had to open a PC to make it work. Could you tell him something like that? I bet his boss doesn't know the first thing about IT matters. But comfrontation always is scary.

In time I've learn to tell appart when I have to rush and don't let my SO to be alone, and when she says "I just want to die" or "I can't take this, not one more day" but I know it venting. For us, after she accepted the Dx, there hasn't been so many times where I was really scared that she would try. But in a very creepy way, and sad, it helps her to think and say out loud that she can end all her suffering "just" by this or that.

To my GF, it has helped a lot to talk to other people wBPD they talk about their issues, but also life in general. Gradually they see they are just people, likeable people.

When you can,if you want, tell us how he is talking about it. Is he making plans? Does he seem agitated and in need of an exit? Or is he exploring the concept?

I thought everybody thought about suicide a lot, it kind of surprises me when people talk about this as extreme. When I've thought about it, it wasn't a shock, or that I was in a lot of pain, it was just a calm thought about life needing too much work just for surviving with so little rewards. Many times I had to "snap out of it" thinking about duty, and about other people whose lives would be affected if I dissapear. It sounds silly, but looking forward to small things help, like a movie that they are filming, a new videogame, a book... .I used to say to myself "I can't die until they make movies about the Lord of The Rings". Now I need the last book of the Tales of Alvin Maker to be published.

Don't hesitate to call youself to one of this support lines, even if you don't get him to call, and talk about your worries. You know this is not rare in BPD, and I think he's taking a lot at once. This knowledge has to settle. Now it is upsetting him a lot. He has to know that you know he is serious, nothing hurts more than "he/she is doing it to seek attention". But you can't make a huge change, or bring him treats, presents, promises... .Or you will be reinforcing the behavior. Tell him you don't want him to abandon you, he can relate to that (even if his answer is not kind).

During this, it is when my gf would talk to me as if I didn't matter at all to her, she would forbid I touch even her hand... .So it was very painful to see her like that and also to be treated like that. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep doing what you know is good.

Please, keep us posted.

[Tattered Heart]

I asked him this morning if he was making plans to harm himself. He said no. I asked if it was safe to leave him at home by himself, especially because we have so many guns in the house. He said he would be ok. I left for work. I forgot something and turned around to go back home to grab the item.

When I went in, he was so focused on his own problem that he didn't even ask what I was doing home again. He just went right back into talking about being out of control of himself right then. He said that if he did, then no one would care if he was gone. I gently told him that would not be fair to me because it would devastate me. He agreed and then said no one else would miss him. I reminded him about his family. He said they wouldn't care. I suggested he call his sister to ask her if she would be affected by his death. He then said he was sorry for acting this way. I again asked if he was ok.

He told me he heard a story about a guy who every 3 years went into a severe depression. Meds and therapy didn't help. He said this man eventually ended up killing himself. I asked him if he thought his condition was like this man's condition. He said yes, about every 3 years this happens where he loses it. I reminded him that he has not yet tried medications or therapy for any length of time so he cannot know if this condition is the same as his. He agreed. I again asked if he was safe at home or had a plan. He said he was ok and was going to go work in the garden after he got dressed.

I reached out to some friends and one of them gave me the number to a local crisis team. I have the # saved into my phone and if needed, I will call them tonight.

It sounds like a lot of this is stemming from work stress. His boss hung up on him several weeks ago. He has a lot on his plate workwise and needs to have a difficult conversation with his boss about needing assistance with his workload. I think it's easier for him to think of hurting himself than having to risk being rejected by his boss.

[isilme]

My H has gone through periods where I have been concerned to leave him alone - I know for him in many ways I am a security blanket, and I know he has a tendency towards nihilism. 

I think there is just a lot going on, and I think Joe is correct - times are changing and while the incoming generation may appear super tech savvy to supervisors simply because they are more comfortable using devices, often the understanding that comes only from years of seeing tech grow is missing.  And you mentioned the boss in another post recently, so what may need to be suggested, if even possible, is seeking something elsewhere.  I know this would be scary, especially if you are over 35 in the tech world.  H let a hostile boss walk all over him for almost 5 years, in a work environment that caused and contributed to some of his current health issues (but he refused to go document it with an MD, so we had no proof) before he listened to me telling him being unemployed and struggling would be better than one more day in that office. 

It's got to be hard to finally see that some of his actions over the years have NOT been rational, that a lot of his behavior was NOT caring or kind, and was rooted in his BPD.  Also, with black and white thinking, he is probably having a hard time processing how he can both have BPD and still be a worthwhile person. 

If you have a friend close by, maybe one you've spoken to openly about your H, they might be able to help shake him loose a bit of this.  He might need some change of pace, some sort of social interaction outside of you and work to help him get more input and stimuli to help shake him past this latest crisis.  Maybe some drop in visits while you are at work?

It's odd, H and I in recent years befriended a couple, and they are oddly a reflection in a way of us.  The wife, though I don't think she has BPD, is a more passionate, emotional person who is prone to wanting to have outbursts and overall she jokes she is the female version of my H, while I am the female version of hers.  Her H and I both fit into the "sure and steady" modes of thinking, planning, logging and tracking things, keeping up with "adulting" overall for our separate households.  So, when H won't listen to me, sometimes I can share a little of the issue with my "counterpart" and the other husband is able to talk to him without triggering the response I usually get.  It's helped a great deal over the last year.  My H won't accuse this friend of being a "mom" and will think twice about refuting him saying the exact same thing I say.  Hopefully, maybe you can find your counterpart and get someone to help with a recurring message to bolster self-worth.

No one is perfect.  Just because we all have quirks and some have conditions making life more of a challenge does not mean any of us will fail to have mourners should we go.  Black and white thinking may make this hard to accept, tho.

I have been suicidal before, but never even told H about it, as drama between us was a big factor in those feelings the last time I faced them.  Previously, those feelings had been based on my parents' neglect and abuse.  I never spoke about it to anyone, ebcause I knew they would try to talk me out of it, and I did not want to face that.
 What kept me from doing it was a fear of someone I knew having to find me. I hope the fact he's willing to TELL you he feels he wants to commit suicide is more about him trying to express exactly how badly he feels rather than making any outright plan to follow through.  If you can get him some exercise, some good nutritious food, be as supportive as you can, and maybe a change in your regular social interactions, it "may" help jump start him out of this. 

[Tattered Heart]

Work is such a big issue. We are pretty sure they are possibly going to fire him soon after he stood up to his boss the other day. His boss has been almost combative with my H lately. My H is doing a little better. He is still very on edge but is not on the verge of blowing up. It's taken 2 days of him non-stop decompressing. He has started looking for another job... .and so have I.

I realized that my biggest fear is loss of income because of my H's inability to remain content with a job for more than 3 years. I'm applying for a job today that will hopefully double my income and allow me to be able to maintain our lifestyle, even if my H loses his job and/or quits.

It's been difficult for me to be able to support him in all this because I have been so scared of losing everything with the loss of his job, even though I know that it is time for him to quit. He knows that I enjoy a comfortable life and I think the pressure of hating his job vs. keeping me happy has been causing him a lot of confusion, which leads to him getting to a boiling point.

[Alayne]

I'm a certified suicide hotline worker. I would treat a suicidal person with BPD just like I would anyone else suicidal. Short-term:

1. See if he'll agree to a safety plan like "If you feel like killing yourself, promise that you'll call the national suicide hotline first. Can you do that?"  If he can't or won't so be it. Part of him wants to live - this gives him an option if he buys in.

2. Most people gravitate to specific means  - a person who wants to use a gun is unlikely to try pills, for example. See if he can tell you how he's thought of doing it and remove acces to those means. I don't know your circumstances but for guns you could change the safe code, hide the keys, give them to a trusted friend, etc. if you're not sure, you can take additional precautions.

3. Don't be afraid to talk about it. (It sounds like you're already doing great here. I know it's awful to go through.) You won't make him do it or put the idea in his head. He's already thinking about it. 

4. Like the above said, get in touch with people trained to do this.  Lifeline has a page for people in your situation which has ideas for resources but there are others.

5.  Look out for yourself. Nothing new for us on this forum, but this is a whole new type of strain.

I can't find an online version of this that I like but I've hit up some coworkers. Will share what they recommend. Sending prayers and good thoughts.