stixx44
 Offline
Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 104
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« on: December 27, 2017, 05:41:22 AM » |
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Hi all,
I am in the “break-up”phase (4 months) with my SO who I feel exhibits many of the tendencies of BPD. We were together only 9 months, but it was a very intense, passionate, and exhausting time for both of us.
She broke it off after I went to an out-of-town wedding without her (the reason being we had not been seeing each other for a few weeks prior to the wedding and were not speaking to each other. I, in fact, thought it was over). That was the turning point for her. When I came home to pick up my cat (she graciously offered to watch her for the days I was gone) all was very civil and polite. When I turned to leave, she asked me to stay and we talked and she said she wanted to try again.
I agreed to go out with her later that week... .we would “take it slow, be kinder to each other, blah, blah blah.” Within three days she texted me that she couldn’t let herself be vulnerable to me again, I broke her heart, and we could not see each other.
Surprised as I was, I accepted her decision and stayed away no contact for one month, hoping time would help both of us. She texted me (supposedly “mistake texts”) a few times in that period. I did not respond.
After a month, I felt it might be time to approach her again. I do love this woman. She has many wonderfully warm qualities. She just goes sideways sometimes over nothing and arguments ensue, leaving me scratching my head and asking “what just happened and what did I do?” After much reading about BPD, it sounded like her and I realized it’s not me.
Friends tell me to walk away. Not so simple. I went to see her after a month and we had a long talk... .I did most of the talking. We discussed how much we love each other. She does love me, of that I’m sure. But she told me she couldn’t go back with me. She had to get herself together because when she is with me she “became obsessed with me and couldn’t function.” Not sure what that means. I never put demands on her time... .ever. I’m not a “joined-at-the-hip” type of person. I need some alone time. She, however, wanted to move together within 3 months, which did not happen. Always demanded I see her, not my friends. I didn’t accede to most of her demands. I would not lose myself in this relationship. I think her attempts to control me kept failing, and that caused her great anxiety. I was trying to have a normal stable relationship with a woman who couldn’t. She doesn’t know how.
Anyway, fast-forward to three months later and here I am. I have not stopped missing her or loving her. I worry about her. However, I live my life, have good friends, but I miss her.
She started texting me two weeks ago ago out of the blue. She said she’s heartbroken, cries a lot, and misses me tremendously. Will never love anyone like she loves me, etc., etc. But she’s careful to add she knows she can’t go back to me. I don’t quite understand why she’s texting at all then.
I guess this is a form of love bombing. I respond with kind comments... .not falling into the “I miss you, too” or “I love you” trap. But I am engaging her and glad to hear from her at all. I try to steer the conversation away from emotional things to “how are you” and mundane subjects. She always brings it back to us and how sad she is and how she misses “us.”
Anyway, I’ve been thinking of going to see her, just a friendly drop by, to see how she is. No talk about us... .just a visit to have coffee and let her see that I’m still here. No pressure for her (or me). I am in a good emotional place regarding her now, I can accept anything that happens between us... .friends, romance, or nothing at all.
I’d like to see if anyone has an opinion on why she’s texting if she’s really wants nothing from me and if I can have any kind of relationship with her at all. I’d like to give it one more shot before I close the door on her entirely. I think she’s worth it. Thanks.
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