My Mother's BPD traits still bother me, after her death

[Mermaid7seas]

Hello, I was a very active participant on this board, some years ago, but just kind of took a break for a while, even though the members & staff here were hugely helpful to me in dealing with my   Mother. She has since passed away, at the ripe old age of 101, but I still don't feel free of her lifelong traits, which affect me today with an inability to mourn her, resentment, and residual anger over many, too many years of her on-going behavior toward me:

ACCUSATORY
ANGRY
ARROGANT
ATTACKING
AVARICIOUS
BLAMING
BOSSY
CHILDISH
COMPLAINING
CRUEL
DENYING FAULTS
GREEDY
HURTFUL
INDOLENT
INSULTING
JEALOUS
LAZY
LIAR
MEAN-HEARTED
NARCISSISTIC
NEEDY
NEVER SATISFIED
PERVERSE
POUTING
PRETENTIOUS
SECRETIVE
SELF-CENTERD
SELFISH
SLY
SMIRKING
SNARKY
SNEERING
SPOILED
SUSPICIOUS
THIEF
THOUGHTLESS
TREACHEROUS
UNAPPRECIATIVE
UNLOVING
WHINING

I'm in dire need now of post-BPD recovery advice! It's apparently a form of PTSD.

Regards,  

PS: I've just now noticed the important & extremely useful Survivor's Guide in the right margin here, have printed out the sections I feel I need, and will learn from them! Thank you, BPD Family!  

[Living Life]

This sounds like my mother; she passed away at 97 1/2 in January. Fortunately, by the time I was with her, she was in a hospice unit and pretty much in a coma, so there was nothing to have deal with. When she finally took her last breath, there was such a feeling of relief and ':)ing, Dong, the witch is dead.' I have felt very guilty for feeling that way, but she was pretty awful to her close family members for most of her life. Of course, the distant relatives all think she is wonderful, because they only see the charming side.

Over the years, she and my dad have given me many wonderful things they acquired while I was young; we grew up with lovely things. My brother was the sole inheritor and executor of the estate. Although things started off well, I really got thrown under the bus by he and his wife. He acquired the BPD traits from my mother, and now I became 'black', our very recent history was changed to justify his anger and delusions. Among other nasty things, he accused me of stealing things from my mother. I thought, 'I don't need this, this simply brings back bad memories,' so I boxed up and sent all the 'treasures' off the nieces and nephews, and ended up going N/C with him. Perhaps some day we will work out our issues, but at this point I really don't care. I had to deal with the abuse from my mother, but I don't have to deal with it from him.

So, in a period of only 6 months, my mother dies, my brother goes ballistic, and I sever ties. The hardest part has been grieving the loss of my brother, who I previously thought was pretty normal. Although we were treated very similarly, he was the oldest and the boy, so in many ways, his treatment wasn't as harsh as mine. With the help of his wife, he states he has learned to honor his parents and abide by their (IMHO, crazy) wishes. So, I am painted black again. My mother's loss was mostly a relief, and sadness that she chose to live the life she did. Having her lovely things leave my house to a new home where they will be cherished, is a wonderful, freeing experience. And 'divorcing' my brother has returned some peace and sanity into my life.

I am a retired professional woman, well regarded in my community. I have a long marriage, and a wonderful life. I don't need this s*&^. And I don't deserve it. Over the years, I have put an emotional distance between myself and my mother; her hurtful things simply can't do the damage they used to. I had to reject her false assertions and forge my own path with my own self worth. Fortunately, she is now gone, and I am free.

My mom in many respects had a sad life, but it was her choice. I choose to live a life of joy. Her voice has been banished from my brain; but my brother was able to really wound me. As Helen Reddy sang: "You can bend, but you can't break me.' That was my new mantra when things were really bad. Then I pictured Wonder Woman, and her power pose, using her magic bracelets to defect evil; she was a huge help in the dark days. I had to reorder my mind and how I perceived myself to find the strength I knew was waiting inside.  Helen Reddy and Wonder Woman, as nutty as it sounds, helped immensely. I am only 2 months out from the 'divorce' from my brother; each day is a better day. I only learned about BPD after all this transpired, so it has really been a huge help in unraveling the emotions, finding that I am not a bad person, I didn't cause it, and I can move on.

I hope you find your peace.