Living Life
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Married, 50+ years
Posts: 43
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« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2017, 12:53:54 PM » |
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This sounds like my mother; she passed away at 97 1/2 in January. Fortunately, by the time I was with her, she was in a hospice unit and pretty much in a coma, so there was nothing to have deal with. When she finally took her last breath, there was such a feeling of relief and ':)ing, Dong, the witch is dead.' I have felt very guilty for feeling that way, but she was pretty awful to her close family members for most of her life. Of course, the distant relatives all think she is wonderful, because they only see the charming side.
Over the years, she and my dad have given me many wonderful things they acquired while I was young; we grew up with lovely things. My brother was the sole inheritor and executor of the estate. Although things started off well, I really got thrown under the bus by he and his wife. He acquired the BPD traits from my mother, and now I became 'black', our very recent history was changed to justify his anger and delusions. Among other nasty things, he accused me of stealing things from my mother. I thought, 'I don't need this, this simply brings back bad memories,' so I boxed up and sent all the 'treasures' off the nieces and nephews, and ended up going N/C with him. Perhaps some day we will work out our issues, but at this point I really don't care. I had to deal with the abuse from my mother, but I don't have to deal with it from him.
So, in a period of only 6 months, my mother dies, my brother goes ballistic, and I sever ties. The hardest part has been grieving the loss of my brother, who I previously thought was pretty normal. Although we were treated very similarly, he was the oldest and the boy, so in many ways, his treatment wasn't as harsh as mine. With the help of his wife, he states he has learned to honor his parents and abide by their (IMHO, crazy) wishes. So, I am painted black again. My mother's loss was mostly a relief, and sadness that she chose to live the life she did. Having her lovely things leave my house to a new home where they will be cherished, is a wonderful, freeing experience. And 'divorcing' my brother has returned some peace and sanity into my life.
I am a retired professional woman, well regarded in my community. I have a long marriage, and a wonderful life. I don't need this s*&^. And I don't deserve it. Over the years, I have put an emotional distance between myself and my mother; her hurtful things simply can't do the damage they used to. I had to reject her false assertions and forge my own path with my own self worth. Fortunately, she is now gone, and I am free.
My mom in many respects had a sad life, but it was her choice. I choose to live a life of joy. Her voice has been banished from my brain; but my brother was able to really wound me. As Helen Reddy sang: "You can bend, but you can't break me.' That was my new mantra when things were really bad. Then I pictured Wonder Woman, and her power pose, using her magic bracelets to defect evil; she was a huge help in the dark days. I had to reorder my mind and how I perceived myself to find the strength I knew was waiting inside. Helen Reddy and Wonder Woman, as nutty as it sounds, helped immensely. I am only 2 months out from the 'divorce' from my brother; each day is a better day. I only learned about BPD after all this transpired, so it has really been a huge help in unraveling the emotions, finding that I am not a bad person, I didn't cause it, and I can move on.
I hope you find your peace.
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