3 Dimensional Reality

[Enabler]

Whilst trying to consolidate me feelings about my current, my past and my future, working out what I want to be and whom I want to be, it's occurred to me that I live in a 3 dimensional reality. The realities are:

My reality which is based on facts, evidence and my own deductions of the gaps
The reality that my uBPDw would like me to think exists consisting of manipulated half truths, lies, projections and gas lighting
The reality that my uBPDw believes is true which is an amalgamation of emotionally filtered memories, her true actions pre lies, projections and gas lighting, and her actual actions.

Oh how wonderful would it be that we lived in a more simplistic reality, where we both looked at the fluffy white animal and agreed it was a sheep rather than her trying to convince me it was a elephant whilst believing it to be a dog. Is it any wonder I feel a bit crazy. I think I am struggling to radically accept that a woman that I love and trusted could for whatever survival needs twist my reality with such ferocity that the last 20 years is taking some time to mental reconstruct. I am not a foolish man yet I feel I have been a fool to be mislead for so long in so many serious and trivial ways. It's been interesting reprocessing basic lies such as "I've had no time at all today, I've been so busy" as just that, complete fabrication.

It's been interesting working back the motivations for the reality distortions and what comes up time after time after time is GUILT AND SHAME. Even when things blew up last year when I begged her to stop messaging the OM and stop jeopardizing our family, sitting on the end of the spare bed pleading with her (not even remotely angry)... .the reaction was accusations of emotional and verbal abuse and requests for me to move out... .I'd prodded the SHAME trigger with a cattle prod!

It's sad to realise one will never have an unspoiled view on one's actual reality

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Enabler,

Sorry you are feeling so confused and having such difficulties in your relationship. Gaslighting can leave you so unsure of yourself and of reality. It makes sense that you are struggling right now. There is hope though.

My reality which is based on facts, evidence and my own deductions of the gaps
The reality that my uBPDw would like me to think exists consisting of manipulated half truths, lies, projections and gas lighting
The reality that my uBPDw believes is true which is an amalgamation of emotionally filtered memories, her true actions pre lies, projections and gas lighting, and her actual actions.

Now that you've determined that you have been trying to live in 3 dimensions, choose 1. Which one do you want to live in? Your pwBPD can live in whatever dimension she wants, but if you can settle your mind to living in only 1 of these realities you will begin to find the peace and growth that you need in order to stop feeling so confused. So which will it be?

[Enabler]

I hear ya Tattered Heart. Last night she left her ipad unlocked, I snooped... .I know, bad me. It was heartbreaking. She has all these emotions that line up directly with BPD, she talks with this other guy whom validates her endlessly but has no awareness of BPD so all the emotions she is experiencing are assumed to be as a result of me and our marriage. She has essentially shut the door on me, refuses to communicate with me and believes "I am trying to destroy her". I feel helpless to provide her the keys to help her unlock herself, maybe she doesn't want to, I have told her recently that I believed she suffered from BPD but she just thought this was mean and has never once asked why I thought this. Her therapist is focused on her feelings of emotional and verbal abuse from me over the last 16 years... .but is putting a dressing on a 85% burns victim abuse or care? It was impossible for me to not hurt her. I feel extremely extremely sad that my wonderful beautiful wife, mother of my 3 amazing babies has and is going through such extreme emotional torture and yet the one person that has any chance to reach out and help her (me) is shut away in the basement, gagged by the label of abuser.

I only have one reality and it consists of learning and hoping for the opportunity to help my baby.

[Meili]

Ah, but Enabler, I think that you are missing a major piece to the puzzle. One of the best ways to help her is to stop trying to help her.

One of the things discussed in What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship is the non's need to be strong enough to not protect the pwBPD from natural consequences of their actions.

She is an adult and allowed to make her own choices and all that comes with them. This includes deciding whether or not to change her view of the world; or as you put it, taking the keys to unlock herself.

I sense a great deal of frustration, sorrow, and confusion your post. I would venture a guess that a great deal of that comes from not understanding or accepting the reality of what might be going on in the mind of a person with borderline traits.

It is true that her understanding of reality is different from yours. But, to be honest, yours is different from mine, and mine is different from the next person. We are all different people who experience the world in different ways through different filters. No two of us see things exactly the same. As a result, who is to decide what is the real reality of the next person?

Most of us understand that the little spider in the corner of the room is no real threat. But, to someone who suffers from arachnophobia, that same spider is a death sentence. Telling the person that he or she is wrong for feeling that way isn't going to make the person any less afraid of the spider. (Nor is it likely to endear you to that person.) Their reality is different from others.

Now, I realize that the phobia surrounding spiders is quite different from BPD. But, the understanding and acceptance of what is going on is the same.

Does all of that make sense?

[once removed]

hi Enabler,

My reality which is based on facts, evidence and my own deductions of the gaps
The reality that my uBPDw would like me to think exists consisting of manipulated half truths, lies, projections and gas lighting

a major life lesson for me, post relationship, was not only trying to understand the different perspectives of others, but accepting them as valid, even when i vehemently disagreed, even if i thought they were contrary to objective facts.

recently i relearned this lesson. it might sound trite, but it was incredibly eye opening to me. i was obsessing about a movie that has now come out for over a year. i joined a couple of discussion groups on it. there was a particular scene in the opening that i had high hopes for and expectations of. i dont think i could have been more disappointed. what i noticed is that there are about twenty different perspectives on that scene. for some, it blew away their expectations. for some, it was the most heartbreaking and emotional scene theyve ever witnessed. for me, i thought it looked comical, fake, bad, and could have been so much more. ive witnessed about 50 separate arguments on that scene alone, and they are always extremely polarized. i havent read a single argument that significantly changed my perspective, but i have taken away the fact their perspective is no less valid than mine.

here is a classic example: www.begent.org/images/women_puzz.gif

there are so many components that literally originate from the time we are born when it comes to how we perceive things. its a given that our partners are prone to distortions based upon intense feelings. the same can be true of anyone.

dismissing her perspective is not understanding it. trying to force her to share yours is not understanding it. once you understand it (does not mean you agree with it), you can work with it. there is significant, long established conflict over a period of two decades. there is major hurt on both sides. its going to take considerable work to undo this damage, and build trust. its going to take doing things drastically differently, and odds are, this is going to have to start with you.

[Enabler]

I guess the frustration in my tone (which you are correct in observing) is from the fact that she is very likely to make decisions on a moral basis )or at least that is her rhetoric) which impact my perceived happiness. I can only simili it to a prisoner being given life based on false evidence. I'm not making any judgement here on battle of the sexes but if my wife was a man and she/he chose to leave the relationship, took none of the assets and just checked out then sure, I would miss him/her, grieve and feel rejection but the "innocent" parties would be left to continue life as they intended to before pwBPD decided to be judge and jury with their false evidence. It feels so obvious to me in my reality that this is unnecessary and could be resolved by a return to common all garden reality based on facts... .and I know this to be utterly deluded!

I had the fortune and I don't say that lightly as I wouldn't wish BPD on anyone to find out that my best friends wife whom I have known for 17yrs has BPD and and attempted suicide some years before I knew her... .I had no idea at all! We had a very very deep and real conversation about how BPD feels to her. I get why my wife NEEDS THIS TO HAPPEN, I have a radical acceptance of her daily living pain and get where her. Need comes from, I just didn't know before and that's what hurts... .what if I'd have known?

[Meili]

But, you didn't know. You can't change that. What you can change is who you are now and will be in the future.

If you truly know and understand the BPD traits, then you must know that her reality, as it is today, is subject to change the next time her emotions change. You see, her emotions create her reality.

By truly understanding this, you can accept her reality, and, as once removed said, work with it rather than fighting against it.

She has made false accusations. Those accusations are probably based in what she perceives as "common all garden reality based on facts" as you put it. Telling her that her facts are wrong is telling her that her emotions are wrong, which tells her that she is wrong. Shame and fear of abandonment are what follow.

This is why we put so much emphasis on validating the valid (the underlying emotions), not validating the invalid (the words and false accusations), and not being invalidating. Sadly, the last of those is the easiest to do, but it escapes most of us early on because we don't even realize that we are doing it. I was shocked when I read the lesson Validation Skill - Stop Invalidating Others
at just how invalidating I was to others in my effort to feel heard and show them a different way to look at things (I still struggle with this btw).

You wrote that some other guy is giving her validation and that she's feeding on it (my words, not yours). So, why not validate her yourself?

My guess is that he's validating the words. We all know that only goes so far. The real connection occurs when we validate at an intimate level - when we validate the feelings of another. That's when we feel that another truly understands and connects with us.

You don't have to answer this for us, but it will probably help if you do a postmortem on recent events and look at how you've handled them from a validation perspective. Did you say things like, "I can see that, but... .",  "What I really meant... .", or the ever tragic "That's not what really happened!"

Or, did you empathize with the underlying feelings that she was having that forged her reality?

[once removed]

ive been reading your story Enabler, and i understand your frustration.

i think it would serve you to try to see the relationship from a 30,000 ft view and try to remove the emotion for a moment.

do i have this generally correct:

you went through a depression and were distant
she sought assurance outside the marriage (what was the extent of this? was it about validation, was it more?)
shes threatened divorce
you want to save the relationship

if this is correct, from a 30,000 ft view, the connection is missing from your marriage, wouldnt you say, even if thats oversimplifying?

so it would seem to me that rebuilding that is a solution. how? well, you know your wife better than we do, and while emotions are flared on all sides, twenty years is a really long time to know a person. what is communication currently like (i mean broadly and specifically help us with a picture of your interactions)? where can you start? what attracted her to you, and what connected the two of you in the first place?

[Enabler]

Okay... .lots of questions. Yes, divorce has been mentioned once a month for the last 6m. No action yet but she has a few recruits who are edging things forward. Other chap does validate and he feels like he has a deep emotional connection... .sadly for him it's with her idealising mode without the snarl.

For the last 6m I have been getting more and more 30k ft and more conscious of behaviours and validation of everything... .she is very victim entrenched so for example here are some scenarios, one I found very challenging

Cooked roast gammon on Sunday. She never believes anything is cooked even if it's black. She states "it's not cooked, what do you think?" I come over and look at the meat and it's clearly cooled and piping hot. I don't want to talk rubbish so said, "hmmm not sure, I see what you mean, I'll taste it and see, feels hot". It was cooled to perfection obviously.

Every time she mentions the divorce I say "this is not what I want but it's your gig, I will not get in your way" no actual lawyer booked yet and I believe she has only just asked people about who to see. Stalling I think or maybe just hesitant as it's a huge decision.

She was buying my birthday present and we accidentally find ourself in the same shop looking at the same body warmer for me. I didn't want to come across as tight fisted as this is a big thing for her so say "I love it but it's £200 I wonder if that's too much to spend on me... .or maybe I'm worth it, should we see if there's anything else in another shop, love the idea though and I was just looking at it" we find another one for £125 to which I said "i really like the other one but if I had the moe y in my hand what would I buy? Probably the cheaper one and get something else. What do you think?" She seemed happy with that and then I left her to decide.

I've radically accepted our differing reality and can as you say see them change with emotions. I'm also conscious that I need to be aware that my own reality is full of facts rather than anything she might try and tell me is fact.  She has seemed calmer in the last few weeks but her dysregatiin also goes with her monthly cycle... .it just adds to her emotions which tips her over the edge to dyaregulation. We believed her moddiness was hormones for years.

[Enabler]

Typing on a tiny iPhones sucks. Sorry for endless errors!

[Enabler]

A few more answers to your questions:

Connection was massively missing, mainly as a function of my depression. I can see the cycle and how I cause it. It works something like this... .I nurture her and sacrifice "me" and act like a parent to uBPDw, I get to the point that I either think that she should have her own momentum to help herself so back off on the parenting/rescuing (or in the most recent cycle I became so overloaded with me stuff like redundancy and Dad's death that I couldn't/wouldn't parent)... .momentum fades and she regresses to the comfort of leaning on me rather than standing alone, acting like an adult and taking adult responsibilities and adult personal risk. She feels abandoned by me, I feel frustrated and try and coerce her into taking adult responsibility which makes the void even wider. Here's an example from 2016... .she's a stay at home Mum, she's going away for the week on a Christian conference on the Sunday - Friday. On the Friday before she has an end of school party at our house, Saturday there's a kids party with adults at a friends. I take the day off Fri to help set up party and tidy up on Saturday. The house needs it's weekly clean and she "didn't have time all week" nor did she have time all week to pack for her holiday. So, I tell her on the Sat that I'm taking the kids to the party and she can come along once she has cleaned the house and packed her stuff. These were her responsibilities and I had already gone out of my way to set up and tidy up the party she organised for her friends on the friday. Her and her friends thought this to be very abusive and thought that I should have stayed at home to help her fulfill her responsibilities. Incidentally she had made time during the previous week when she "didn't have time" to go for 2x 4hr runs and 2x Bike rides, plus a bunch of other things for her. This is just an example and is one of thousands of time where she puts her needs (and in hindsight I actually think the exercise fulfills an emotional coping NEED) first. I now empathise with how and why she might behave in this way given what I know about her BPD feelings... .but at the time it wasn't openly and honestly communicated with me.

When I met her I was a confident, funny and sociable person. I had more female friends than most and very much enjoyed the deeper connection that women offered. Under the confident surface I had enormous insecurities about my own ability to be a good boyfriend/lover, I guess I still do in many respects but then when you're told for years you're a terrible husband then what's one to think! Interestingly in last night T session we were talking about how I was disgusted by how my friends used to treat other women when we were younger. I found them so selfish how they would have long term girlfriends and yet play away constantly and unreservedly. I couldn't understand how they were so selfish and didn't care how much hurt they might inflict on the other person. Me on the other hand fell head over heels in love with most of the girls I dated in 10 minutes and scared them off. I really really miss the connection I had with uBPDw, although I think I always felt that it wasn't very 2 way (which makes sense). I enjoyed talking, learning and listening and did want to listen to her problems. It's a bit of a cliche but she was very very put out when I suggested that when I walked through the door wasn't the time to dump on me all her problems but it was time to give me a hug and confirm how each other are... .then... .after we've all settled down I can prepare myself for the meadow report. I always ask and most of the time want to hear. She said "you never want to listen to any of my problems". As you would expect JADE'ing was pointless.

[Meili]

Being able to recognize the patterns gives you the opportunity to change them. Do you see where you can stop the cycle?

Personally, I don't see anything unreasonable about your taking the kids to the party so that she can do her things. I think that many of us find out that it isn't so much our actions and what we say that causes the conflict, rather how we say them. There are ways to communicate our wants, needs, and desires to others without coming across as demanding or mean. If you want to Listen and Be Heard, there are some great tools that you can use to increase the odds.

[Enabler]

I do see the pattern yes. In that instance and many recent conflicts its not what uBPDw has thought about said incidence it's what her flying monkeys have thought about my assertions. It is very apparent that uBPDw has been scouring or checking her most recent idealized friend about whether or not my behaviour = loving and caring, since she's not certain about whether or not her feelings are on the button... .for years our friends have kept her "what is reasonable" in check, however recently she's stumbled upon a couple of rescuers whom she believes have enlightened her how abusive I am... .firstly the OM who clearly has his own agenda and secondly a lefty feminist (no offence) who hates all men and seems to have been fed a slightly delusional story of "how hard my life is" "I have no time to do anything" "he's so horrible to me" and lapped it up. This woman has only known her for a couple of years and hardly knows me at all but is very opinionated (especially on Facebook) about everything. uBPDw has found the "evidence" she needed to self destruct. I think I have just been fortunate to have good friends before.

I am working on changing it but I fear it has gone too far and I have put too much fuel on the fire not knowing how I was shooting myself in the foot.

[Meili]

That fuel is what it is. There is nothing for it now. All that you can do is learn from the past and make changes going forward. I know that is trite, but it is also true.

The other thing is that you can't really worry about the outside influences that she is receiving. I know how hard that one is, but we just have to accept that we are not the only influences in our pwBPDs' lives.

All that we can really do is form a true, intimate connection and be a stable place and become the most attractive individual that we can be. pwBPD traits are very in tune with and suspicious of the motives of others. The good feelings that they get from outside sources will also trigger the fears. That's where the stability becomes incredibly important.

[Enabler]

You're right, other outside influences have come and gone. I don't. Lame the outside influences, they know no better. I mentioned earlier that I found out for the first time on Friday that a best friends wife suffers from BPD. I've know her for 17yrs... .no clue. Her advice was just offer constant unrelenting love and compassion for a year... .hopefully I'll limp through a year... .and if I don't, that will be okay as well. The sun will shine, I will feel the splash of rain on my face , I will not die.

[Meili]

For sure! Not only will you not die, but you'll likely come out of this a stronger, healthier person.