New to this Board

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey everyone,
   I am new to this board, just moved out of conflicted or just tolerating a relationship.
   I have been married for nearly 10 years to a man diagnosed with a form of schizophrenia and a personality disorder NOS, meaning he shows symptoms from more than one PD. What I see primarily is BPD. What his ex therapist saw was BPD and NPD and possibly OCD.
  His current psychiatrist (with him for 7 years) sees primarily the form of schizophrenia. She is the only one who has ever diagnosed him with schizophrenia. The P he saw when I first saw him told me "categorically, he does not have schizophrenia. I did my residency with people with schizophrenia. He does not have that." That P is the one, when pressed, told him he had personality disorder NOS.
  I have been NC for two weeks today. I am in the marital home, which is in a rural area. Two weeks ago, he emailed me to say he had to go downtown where he could walk places because his car was broken. He said he would leave his cat behind and check on it every day.
  I am emotionally done with this man because on Friday I discovered a video he'd shot of a friend's fourteen year old daughter and her friend swimming in our pool. He labeled the video an incredibly vile name. The name would be akin to what a pedophile might search for on the Net.
  What was even more horrifying for me was the voiceover he used. It was of him and me talking as married people do. You can hear me talking about my grandkids and whether they're spending the night, and him laughing, and my saying I'll be back later. The conversation was pleasant. I hadn't an inkling anything was going on, and then I leave, and in a vicious, horrible voice, he then says, "FU (my name). You f***ing c***. I'll get you."
  What frightened me most was that hearing that I realized I couldn't trust my perception of him. That was really really scary to me.
  I found this video because a few months ago, he threw away several of his computers, and I took them out of the trash, so I could donate them. This one I opened, not to clean it but to see if there was anything on it that would indicate he was back on drugs. I've been worried he's back on crack, which would explain how erratic and hostile he's been since February.
  I also found other stuff that alarmed me but nothing that shook me the way the voiceover did because it means if I can't trust my perception of who he is in any given moment, I'm not safe.
  If he's angry and raging, I know I'm not safe. It's a no brainer. But if he's pleasant and laughing with me, and then turns like that when I leave, I'm not safe.
   For many reasons, I'm not filing for divorce at this moment. For one, I believe my H has had a psychotic break.
  The psychiatrist and I had a falling out, so I don't communicate with her, so I will not share this video with her. She has minimized my fears since March and she contacted my coach/therapist twice without my permission.
  I am hoping that eventually my FIL will return my phone calls and emails, so I can see what he wants to do regarding my H. I believe my H needs residential treatment, dual diagnosis, and because I do love his family, and I did love him, I would be willing to work with the family to get him into residential treatment, but as far as my H and I are concerned, emotionally I'm done.

TMD

[toomanydogs]

Hey everyone,
   I am new to this board, just moved out of conflicted or just tolerating a relationship.
   I have been married for nearly 10 years to a man diagnosed with a form of schizophrenia and a personality disorder NOS, meaning he shows symptoms from more than one PD. What I see primarily is BPD. What his ex therapist saw was BPD and NPD and possibly OCD.
  His current psychiatrist (with him for 7 years) sees primarily the form of schizophrenia. She is the only one who has ever diagnosed him with schizophrenia. The P he saw when I first saw him told me "categorically, he does not have schizophrenia. I did my residency with people with schizophrenia. He does not have that." That P is the one, when pressed, told him he had personality disorder NOS.
  I have been NC for two weeks today. I am in the marital home, which is in a rural area. Two weeks ago, he emailed me to say he had to go downtown where he could walk places because his car was broken. He said he would leave his cat behind and check on it every day.
  I am emotionally done with this man because on Friday I discovered a video he'd shot of a friend's fourteen year old daughter and her friend swimming in our pool. He labeled the video an incredibly vile name. The name would be akin to what a pedophile might search for on the Net.
  What was even more horrifying for me was the voiceover he used. It was of him and me talking as married people do. You can hear me talking about my grandkids and whether they're spending the night, and him laughing, and my saying I'll be back later. The conversation was pleasant. I hadn't an inkling anything was going on, and then I leave, and in a vicious, horrible voice, he then says, "FU (my name). You f***ing c***. I'll get you."
  What frightened me most was that hearing that I realized I couldn't trust my perception of him. That was really really scary to me.
  I found this video because a few months ago, he threw away several of his computers, and I took them out of the trash, so I could donate them. This one I opened, not to clean it but to see if there was anything on it that would indicate he was back on drugs. I've been worried he's back on crack, which would explain how erratic and hostile he's been since February.
  I also found other stuff that alarmed me but nothing that shook me the way the voiceover did because it means if I can't trust my perception of who he is in any given moment, I'm not safe.
  If he's angry and raging, I know I'm not safe. It's a no brainer. But if he's pleasant and laughing with me, and then turns like that when I leave, I'm not safe.
   For many reasons, I'm not filing for divorce at this moment. For one, I believe my H has had a psychotic break.
  The psychiatrist and I had a falling out, so I don't communicate with her, so I will not share this video with her. She has minimized my fears since March and she contacted my coach/therapist twice without my permission.
  I am hoping that eventually my FIL will return my phone calls and emails, so I can see what he wants to do regarding my H. I believe my H needs residential treatment, dual diagnosis, and because I do love his family, and I did love him, I would be willing to work with the family to get him into residential treatment, but as far as my H and I are concerned, emotionally I'm done.

TMD

[Mutt]

Hi toomanydogs,



Family tend to be loyal to each other. How does your H feel about his behaviours? Does he think that he needs help?

[Harley Quinn]

TMD, I can't imagine how it must have felt to hear that on the video, and to find the video in the first place.  Very disturbing.  I can understand completely how this must feel like the final straw for you.  Much respect for still wanting to be supportive of his care.  Have you shared your discovery with anyone at all whom you can speak to about the effect it has had on you?  A friend or family member perhaps?  Can your T give you any advice regards the treatment for your H?

Love and light x

[toomanydogs]

Hi toomanydogs,



Family tend to be loyal to each other. How does your H feel about his behaviours? Does he think that he needs help?

Hi Mutt,
 Thanks for the welcome. My H, in my opinion, doesn't think there is anything wrong about his behavior. He believes the problem is me, his father, his former therapist, former friends, his FOO, where he lives, the rotten quality of electronics these days. In short, the problem is always due to someone or something else.
 Right now, he has painted his P white and the rest of the world black.
 Yes, family tends to be loyal, and I'm not sure how any of this is going to unfold. I tried to divorce H several years ago, and he had a psychotic break, which manifested with his running naked through the yard, peeing in the bushes and on the floor of the house, and first breaking all the furniture in the living room, and then moving it to the living room.
  He asked me to come back to him to take care of him, and I have succeeded in doing that for the past seven years.
  Forgive me I'm venting.
  Where I'm going is that the experience of attempting to get out of the relationship left with me really scarred, probably with PTSD, and the thought that I am now about to embark once again on that journey alternately lays me flat and then makes me so angry I want to scream.
 My H is cognitively impaired and thinks that if he divorces me he will have more money to spend per month. He lives on a trust that his father administers, and it is highly unlikely that H will have any additional spending money if a divorce occurs, primarily because he has no history of spending it appropriately.
 He once spent $7000 in one month on lawn ornaments.
 I'm sorry. I'm bounding all over the place.
TMD

[toomanydogs]

TMD, I can't imagine how it must have felt to hear that on the video, and to find the video in the first place.  Very disturbing.  I can understand completely how this must feel like the final straw for you.  Much respect for still wanting to be supportive of his care.  Have you shared your discovery with anyone at all whom you can speak to about the effect it has had on you?  A friend or family member perhaps?  Can your T give you any advice regards the treatment for your H?

Love and light x

Hi Harley,
 I have told my coach/therapist about the video. I have told a security guy (friend of the family). I have told:
  1) the woman whose daughter was on the video (she was with me when I watched it.
  2) my sisters
  3) several friends
  4) my grown son

 Yes, I have told quite a few people. Regarding treatment for H, in my opinion, he probably needs dual diagnosis residential care, which I would need help from my FIL to accomplish.
 My H lives on a trust and his father administers that trust, which makes my stress increase because I've been unable to work for the years I've been with my H, and if FIL "sides" with H and H decides to paint FIL white again, it's going to be a nightmare.
  That said, what I need to do is pull back, stay in the moment, and realize that right this second I am okay.
  Day to day and sometimes moment to moment is how I need to get through this.
 Thanks, HQ!
TMD

[Harley Quinn]

Hi TMD,

That said, what I need to do is pull back, stay in the moment, and realize that right this second I am okay.
  Day to day and sometimes moment to moment is how I need to get through this.

That's a great outlook.  Worrying about things doesn't change anything (but our anxiety levels! Spoken by someone with a PhD in heaping it on themselves!)  and sometimes we must remind ourselves to remove the internal stress and pressure we can apply needlessly. 

Being present is a very positive decision and also noticing the good.  I try to practice gratitude daily, no matter how dire things may seem.  There is always something to appreciate and be thankful for and this has wonderful benefits for our sense of well being.  Breaking things down and dealing with situations in the present rather than getting stuck in the past or concerning ourselves too much in the future can really help get us through tough times.  Good on you. 

Love and light x

[toomanydogs]

Hi TMD,



Being present is a very positive decision and also noticing the good.  I try to practice gratitude daily, no matter how dire things may seem.  There is always something to appreciate and be thankful for and this has wonderful benefits for our sense of well being.  Breaking things down and dealing with situations in the present rather than getting stuck in the past or concerning ourselves too much in the future can really help get us through tough times.  Good on you. 

Love and light x

Harley,
 I think gratitude is essential. I have: great friends, great family, no financial worries, good animals (most of them). I am writing. I'm good and I'm grateful I'm alive. I'm in my 60s; my mom died in her 40s.
TMD