Broke up 1 month ago 3rd time

[redone]

I broke up with my GF about 1 month ago and we've had no contact via phone, text or email.   She did post some things on Facebook using the public option which were clearly meant for me such as changing her profile to a selfie she had sent me last year.    Background is I have been going thru divorce for 20 months which just became final last week.   She's a widow whose husband died about 5 years ago.  She has an 8 year old son.    First dated in April 2016  and after 6 weeks she told me she wanted to stop as I wasn't ready.       After 5 weeks I just couldn't stop myself and made contact which was welcome on and off until we started dating steadily in August 2016.   Unlike what I read about BPD we didn't have sex until late August  ( it's great BTW   ).      Aug thru November like a whirlwind romance with a few big out of town dates.   My father passed away in early December.    About 3 weeks later GF told me she was done with me because I wasn't  "present" ,  I was still married, and haven't met my kids.      We spent holidays together and  still went about 3 more weeks until it was a real break up.    A lot of push/pull contact for a few weeks then one day she sent a really mean text.  I could tell she was pushing me away mentally so she could go out on a date.  No contact for a week... .then she starts texting again which turns into lunch a week later.   We can't stop kissing at this point in the parking lot.   A few days later we have lunch "in" at her house.   That started another dating patter late March thru  Aug 1.    She had 2 incidents in July that really put me over the edge.   One she got up and left an event  where a large group of my family and friends were there also.  She said I wasn't paying attention to her which I did respond to with some defense .   After dropping her off I went home where she called 20 X's and text for an hour.   I waited then went over at midnight ,  calmed down, kissed, then sex.   A cycle that happens a lot.     The other incident I had taken my daughter out for her birthday and had cologne on.    The next day I had the same shirt on she went off and said I had  a weird relationship with my daughter,  don't call her, bye, and I'm not worthy of her.      I didn't call her for 2 days.   Her friend called me and  told me that I was the one being mean by not calling her and her lashing out was simply her fear of losing me.   We went to a MFT as a couple , then she went twice on her own,  then I went solo.   In the joint visit she said it's ME who has to change the way I talk to her and I need to not take it personal and I should just validate her.  ( I think she knows she has a problem more than she lets on to me -- she mentioned she had a form of PTSD )  In the solo visit  the MFT said  "It's going to be a lot of work to be with her."      I think about her every few minutes but also wonder is this really worth pursuing ?   When I read these forums it seems like every non BPD is always in caregiver mode for life.   I feel like she hooked me quick, introduced me to her son after 1 date,  then talk about marriage very quickly.      I didn't really know how I would feel when my divorce became final.   I was grieving more  that I broke up with my GF than my marriage being over  !    My  MFT consistently reminds why would you choose to be a caregiver type relationship that's a lot of work when you can get something that's better for you.    Main traits are  emotional dysregulation, fear of abandonment, and insecurity.    When I read the list on this website about validating, empathy, etc  it is somewhat overwhelming.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

From what you have said I think you belong here;  you will fit in;  your situation is like a lot of the other members. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone. I hope that this place helps you as much as it helped me.

You MFT is right about having to be the emotional caretaker in these types of relationships. But what does that really mean? In our article What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship we say that it means:

• Maintaining routine and structure
• Setting and maintain boundaries
• Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times
• Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums
• In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally
• Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail
• Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

It can be quite draining if you aren't prepared for it.

But, that's the good news. You can prepare for it. You can protect yourself and learn ways of dealing with problems before the escalate.

I also agree with you that your GF knows a bit more than she let on. I won't try to venture a guess as to what or how much she knows, but will point out that she gave you some excellent advice about how to deal with everything. In fact, it's the very same advice that we typically give to people when they get here to help end the cycle of conflict.

I know that all of this seems overwhelming, but, as Creighton Abrams said, "When eating an elephant take one bite at a time." If you look at the whole elephant, eating it would seem impossible, but if you just look at each bite, it becomes far more manageable. The same thing applies here. Dealing with one thing at a time makes it much easier.

Keep reading and posting - it is very therapeutic. I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

[Mutt]

Hi redone,

My  MFT consistently reminds why would you choose to be a caregiver type relationship that's a lot of work when you can get something that's better for you.    

Your T is trying to convince you to not pursue a r/s and you signed up on a forum for members with a pwBPD in their lives, members with first hand experience.

How do you find your MFT? Do you like him or her? I'm not saying that your MFT is not good but qualities for a good T is a person that is non judgemental and a good listener. Your MFT is biased in this case.

I'm guessing that you signed up to see if your T is right or not.

What would you like? Do you want to have a r/s with her?

[redone]

Hi redone,

Your T is trying to convince you to not pursue a r/s and you signed up on a forum for members with a pwBPD in their lives, members with first hand experience.

How do you find your MFT? Do you like him or her? I'm not saying that your MFT is not good but qualities for a good T is a person that is non judgemental and a good listener. Your MFT is biased in this case.

I'm guessing that you signed up to see if your T is right or not.

What would you like? Do you want to have a r/s with her?

I've had my own MFT for over a year and they are they one saying "why would you choose a caregiver relationship" knowing this is just what I got out of... .maybe that's the one you think is bias.      The  2nd MFT  for the joint meeting is the one who said it would be  A LOT of work.   Repeated that many times in our meeting.    I do love her  but   I don't have children with her or are we married.   She pushed marriage very,  very early on which I see now as typical.     The push / pull has been very draining on me to the point I feel it's harming friends and family relationships.     What would I like ?   I was looking thru these posts to see a success story.  I see mostly about  managing down these traits but I have yet to see someone say that they ended up happy.  Just tolerable.    It is bringing up  fear in me now that I'm not comfortable with.

I would thank you that responded.   So many thoughts... .Is the love real ?    Can she overcome the sub-conscience part to eliminate the push/pull ?    I feel like she's brought me deep into her life only to have it sabotaged by her own self. 

[Mutt]

She is who she is, you could radically accept her for that, when we want someone to change or be a different person than they are, it causes a lot unnecessary distress, you can accept her for who she is today, she has social impairments, that's a part of her and the reality of the situation, but her social impairments do not define her as a person.

Radical Acceptance For Family Members

[redone]

Thank you all for the responses.   I made contact over the weekend and we both agreed to continue moving on.    She said a few nasty things to me that weren't true  but I let it roll off and didn't escalate. Also she didn't mention counseling at all so she flip flopped on that.  My guess is that she was using that to keep me last month and after I left didn't continue.    I don't think a caretaker roll or radical acceptance is right for me.