My husband just took off to California

[kampoc]

My husband stopped talking to me over 5 months ago and we live IN THE SAME HOUSE! Whenever we argue, he shuts down and goes to stay in the guestroom not talking to me for days... sometimes weeks if I let it get that far. I usually end up going to him and initiating a conversation and apologizing for something I didn't do to settle things. Since this has become a habit for him, I told him the last time he did it, I would not come to him again... .so here we are.

We have been married for 13 years and together for 15. Two years ago, we almost divorced  for much of the same things that are going on right now... .the lack of intimacy, childish behavior, sarcasm, passive-aggression, gas-lighting, stonewalling, problems with alcohol and spending money, cheating, lying... .we didn't speak for 3 months that time. And just like that time, I have emailed him many times to find out what is going on with him. His response is always one or two words, if anything. He doesn't have the balls to tell me to my face that he wants a divorce, let alone by email. I can only assume it at this point.

Two years ago, when we were going through reconciliation, he confessed to me that he had had 2 more affairs that I didn't know about (bringing it to a total of 4 women). All of these affairs were long-time emotional affairs in which he told lies about me and our relationship and professed his love for them. One of them turned into a sexual affair. He told me that none of them really meant anything to him and that he was just using them for an ego boost because he has really low self-esteem and a poor self image. He also admitted to being a sex addict and being addicted to porn, which explained why our sex life was non-existent.
He would always watch porn at night and talk to women online, then make up excuses not to have sex with me, which you can imagine did horrible things to my self-esteem.

He admitted to being a compulsive liar. He said that it started in his childhood where he would lie to his parents and quickly became a habit. He lies about things he doesn't even need to lie about... .stupid things. For instance, one year around Christmas we had a really heavy snowfall. In the morning, I asked him if he shoveled because it didn't look like he did. He said he did. However, he didn't know that the night before the wind had blown over a little decorated tree we had on the porch. If he shoveled, he would have had to pick up this tree. I asked him again if he was sure that he shoveled. He swore up and down he did and got angry that I was accusing him of lying.  So, then I told him that the night before I saw the tree but didn't pick it up because it was super cold... .then he finally admits to lying and says he just did it because he knew I would be mad. These small lies happen all of the time.

So do the really big ones (like cheating). I have learned over the years to collect evidence because, if I don't, he will gas-light me and turn things around making me seem like I'm crazy. He will swear I am imagining things or I am the one who is lying.

He also admitted to being passive-aggressive, which I already knew was true. He will get angry or jealous or just plain lazy about doing something. Instead of talking to me about it, he will do things behind my back to get back at me. The affairs started this way. But, he will also purposely not keep his promises, or completely break things that I ask him to fix. He knows he needs help with this issue, but not enough to do anything about it.

I had to take over doing the finances because he is really bad about spending money on things we can't afford. Over the years, he has taken us to financial ruin many times. We have had to move in with different members of his family because we have lost our apartment on several occasions. We even had to move to another state and start our lives over because we lost everything.

During the reconciliation, he also admitted to having a problem with alcohol and promised to stop (didn't happen). I injured my back and had to have surgery that ended up making matters worse (another really long story). When I was in pre-op, he was more concerned about his truck that broke down in the parking lot, than being there for me. Even after the surgery in my room, he wasn't there mentally... .I really needed him, but he couldn't wait to leave to see about his truck.

We discussed his lack of empathy over the years in great detail during reconciliation... .also the lack of intimacy. We pretty much had a sexless marriage (only a few times a year during the entire marriage).  He swore up and down he was going to change and didn't want to lose me or his family.  He promised me that he would never lie to me again and was going to live his life by “undefended honesty” (something he picked up in a self help book). Even though he put me through so much over the years, I stood by him, even forgiving him for the affairs. We had been to this point on many occasions during the (11 years at that point). We even tried couples counseling. At that point, I didn't want to throw it all away either. So, we moved back in together and called off the divorce. Like an idiot I believed that he would change. He made so many promises to seek help and become a better person. It wasn't long before things were back to the way they had always been. He did go to counseling, however... .for 2 sessions. He said the counselor said he was not a sex addict and didn't need help.

So, over the last year, things have been slowly going downhill. At first, I thought that maybe he was going through a mid-life crisis or depression or something. We had his testosterone checked and he was put on medication. That still didn't change things in the bedroom. I thought that maybe he was watching porn again. He swore he wasn't.  

Little by little he was pushing me away and wouldn't talk about it, which led to fights. I told him that we were going to end up back in that place like before again... he swore he would never let that happen. Then the childish behavior started. Sarcasm, stuff like that. Yelling at the animals... .He also started playing video games on his phone all day (even at work and I worried that it may affect his job) and hanging out with "friends" half his age or younger. It seemed like maybe a coping mechanism or a way to escape, at the time.

He stopped helping me with things around the house and became angry if I asked for help. If he does do anything, he half-asses it so I don't ask him again and do it myself. It seems that somewhere along the way, he just checked out of the marriage and family and stopped appreciating his life and the things he had... .and always wanted something more to make himself happy (materialistic things).

He says that I control him and don't appreciate or respect him, which isn't true. We started getting into fights about his selfish immature behavior. After which, he would pout like a teenager and lock himself in the guest room for days not speaking to me until I initiated a conversation to end it. But even after I thought we worked it out, there would be these passive aggressive things he would do to me such as withholding himself from me physically and emotionally as punishment, which makes me feel horrible about myself like I don't deserve his affection.

Or, he would make me feel like I am crazy... .telling me it's all in my head. We talked about this many times and he agreed that it was a selfish and immature way to handle things. It drove me crazy not talking to him. It  felt emotionally abusive. Yet, he still continued to do it.  I didn't understand what was happening. I asked him to go to therapy, but he refused. He said he could handle it himself and bought a couple of self-help books that he didn't finish reading.

When I agreed to try again, I had certain boundaries for myself. He agreed that he would not lie to me anymore or hide anything and I would have access to his phone and emails. He has always had access to everything of mine. We agreed that a married couple should not hide anything from each other. Plus, I didn't trust him and that was something he needed to earn back. Now 2 years later, he views this as control. Yet, he knows where I am at all times, tracks me on his phone and watches me during the day on surveillance cameras.

He works, I handle the home and finances. It has been like that for 13 years. We both agreed that we would save money and not live above our means. He has never forgiven himself to this day for what he perceives as his fault for what happened when we lost everything (however, I don't blame him and he knows that). Part of this agreement was to not have any credit cards. In the last 6 months, he has opened 2 credit card accounts despite this agreement and without my consent... .one of which, I do not have access to. He knows that this is a boundary issue, yet he does it anyway... .almost like he is trying to sabotage things.

I do absolutely everything for him, so I thought that maybe the problem was that I am mothering him too much. And maybe if I stopped doing so much for him, he would be forced to take care of himself and do some things on his own (picking up after himself,  doing his laundry, etc.), and maybe that would stop some of the lack of appreciation he has for me. Maybe he would grow up a little... .I was wrong. It just made him retaliate even more.

He thinks that because he has a job, he shouldn't have to do anything else. It wasn't always this way. This routine has continued for some time now.  I told him that if he goes to the guest room and stonewalls me one more time, that I am not coming to him the next time he does it. We haven't spoken for 5 months now, except for a few texts and emails about house stuff (I have tried to get something, anything out of him... .even if it's a fight, but his replies are just "ok", "got it" etc... .complete indifference).

He seems to be having the time of his life... .golfing every day he has off with those young friends. He has taken no responsibility for the things that need to be done around the house, yet will go out of his way to do things for these people when they need help. It's just video games, drinking and watching TV.  He stopped wearing his wedding ring, too... .like he has already divorced me and is living as a single man. I'm not sure if he is having an affair.

He goes to the guest room from the moment he gets home until he leaves for work. He doesn't even come out to say goodnight to his son... We have cameras downstairs that I am using to see which of my cats are peeing on the floor and sofa. I see him constantly running back and forth to the laundry room to grab beers from the fridge when he knows no one is around. He also hides bottles of liquor in his room. I know he just sits in that room getting drunk because the laundry room trash is full of empty cans and bottles everyday.

Also, on the home cameras, I can see that as soon as I leave, he comes out of his room and runs around the house going through everything and when he hears me coming back, he runs back to his room. It's very childish behavior. Mysteriously, my 12 year old lost (or had stolen) $100 from his room. He was saving it for some bowling balls he needed for his bowling league.

On Mother's Day and my birthday, he didn't say a word. For some reason I thought he might come out of it, but he didn't. I bought him some self-help books and put them in his room, but he didn't say anything.

A few months ago, I was in his room and found what looked like a suicide note. I talked to his dad and asked him to talk to him. After they spoke, his dad sent me a text saying that he didn't think he was depressed or going through a mid-life crisis and was not suicidal... .”it's just one of those things.” I now see that he lied to him about what is really going on. I sent an email to my husband and his response was that he wrote that letter to see if I was snooping in his room. I wasn't buying it, nor that he told me the gun hidden under his bed was for his protection FROM ME! After that, I convinced him to go to therapy (by email) or I was going to call the cops on him about the note and gun.  He agreed to go. At first, I thought this must be a mid-life crisis, but I started doing some research to try to figure out what was happening with him. The more I read about Borderline Personality Disorder and people's stories about what it's like to live with someone with this disorder, the more clear things started to become. All of his actions line up perfectly.

In the last 5 months he has been on a smear campaign turning family and friends against me. We live in a very small town and everybody knows everybody's business. He is twisting everything around telling people that I'm doing everything to him that he is doing to me... .and more!  (lies and rumors get back to me and my son) He has maxed out the credit cards and gotten us into debt over $17,000 just in the last 5 months! He is completely out of control.

Yesterday he went to work like any normal day but instead of coming home, he hopped on a plane to California. He didn't say a word to me. I am livid right now. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can only assume divorce is the next step. And I feel paranoid as to what he has planned.

Because of my back injury, I am completely dependent on him for financial support. I received a settlement last year that I sunk into our home and a new truck for him. If I would have known he was going to do this to me again, I would have never spent the money. But, now I can't get out of the marriage without losing my home that I spent all of this money and hard work on. And, I have no means to support myself. The state that I live in is a community state. We have to split everything 50/50, including this debt. There isn't enough equity in the home to cover the debt either. It's so unfair that I would even be responsible for it anyway!

I have spoken with an attorney and I would get very little for child support and no alimony, even though he makes really good money. The courts do not care that I can't work and they will not take in consideration all of the money I spent because it became community money when I commingled it.

I can only assume he is lying to the therapist he is seeing. It seems as though she is encouraging this behavior. His family must be, for him to just up and leave to California. Things have gotten dramatically worse since seeing her. The spending is worse and so is his behavior.

I was in his room yesterday (when I noticed he went to California) looking for answers... .He is now on Xanax (real nice to prescribe to an alcoholic). He had papers from the therapist saying he is ODD. I looked it up and it is often mistaken for BPD. And, the papers said he is depressed and has anxiety. (Yet his dad swore he was NOT depressed... .hmm) His statement said that he wants to “do right by his son “ and doesn't see a way to get out of his marriage. Wow. How can someone counsel a married man and not ask get his wife's side of the story? She has no idea the hell this man is putting me through. She says he needs to seek support from family and friends... .more like play victim and get sympathy from family and friends. Meanwhile, I have no support from anyone.

I moved 700 miles away from my friends and family and he is back there right now turning those very people against me. I am having a really hard time keeping it together right now for me and my son. I am at a loss as what to do.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi kampoc,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily and I'd like to get this out of the way first sorry for the long delay. I was reading your story and thought about how sad that is that you were living seperately in the same house for 5 months and your H was acting detached. I can relate with your story I went through something similar, I'd sleep on the couch for months because we weren't getting along and I didn't want to sleep beside my ex after a tumultous fight.

I have spoken with an attorney and I would get very little for child support and no alimony, even though he makes really good money.

It's good that you got ahead of this thing to get some information but are you certain that this is going to lead to divorce? You have your information for now, we're not 100% certain of what he'll do.

Have you spoken to family and friends? I can understand that it's a small town and people gossip but family are usually loyal, if we think back before this, is your family supportive?

[kampoc]

Thank you for your response and kind words. I'd like to start by saying that this post was really hard for me to write. I'm not the type of person to complain and I'm very private... .I don't have very many family members either in my life, or that are "of sound mind" (dimentia). I don't really feel like I can talk to my family about this, anyway. I feel totally embarrassed by the fact that I've allowed someone to treat me this way. The same goes for my friends... .they would probably slap me, . But seriously... .there are a few family members in town. When we first moved here, I convinced my cousin to get my husband a job and he still works with my cousin. Over the years, my husband has made fun of and talked all kinds of smack about this cousin, that I constantly defend. Now that we are not talking, he is suddenly best friends with this cousin... .even convincing him to now divorce his wife, too. He has done the same two-faced stuff with several people lately. Because of this (and what is going on with his family), plus the fact that I exposed my husband to his father and he didn't believe me, I feel that if I try to talk to anyone, it makes me look like the crazy person he is telling everyone I am.
He just came back from California about an hour ago, sneaking in and going straight to his room. While he was away, credit card statements and social media suggest that he was out partying everyday and his family is giving him the victim treatment, like I knew would happen. They are telling him they are proud of him, to "stay strong"... .to take care of himself and our son, not mentioning a thing about me. He even went to all of the places we shared "our firsts" at! I think he is trying to torture me.
I feel trapped. I can't file for divorce because I will lose everything. I know people will say the house, support (money), etc doesn't matter. But, they are not in my position. They don't know how hard I have worked to get to this point in life, even though I am dependant on him now. Plus, I HAVE TO HAVE health insurance. I often feel disappointed in myself for not being a stronger person. I don't know what has happened to me. I was never like this. I was never a "victim."

[kampoc]

I just read an answer on quora (not my question) that seemed to explain what's going on here.


https://www.quora.com/Does-a-borderline-individual-ever-have-a-hard-time-getting-over-someone-or-can-they-easily-forget/answer/W-Biggins

Actually, this makes me really sad because it doesn't seem like BPD's are capable of love. It was all lies. How can a relationship even be possible with a BPD? It seems I would have to accept a one-sided relationship and expect nothing at all from him... .ever. How does one do that and maintain any sort of self-respect?

[Tattered Heart]

It's true that people with BPD do have difficulty in being able to truly love someone the way most people love others. With that being said though, it is possible for people to have a mostly normal relationship, although that may shift at times. THe thing that makes the biggest difference for those that find success and those that don't often have to do with the nonBPD spouse and thier attitude towards the relationship.

Getting to a place of radical acceptance can make all the difference. This is the idea that things are the way that they are and nothing you do or so or hope for can change the fact that our spouses have BPD and may never get better. With radical acceptance you come to terms with creating a picture of what is the new normal. What does success look like?

Your H is going to go to family. It's hard to accept that his family may encourage and even enable him in his behavior. You can't control that. Family of the BPD is often the last place to look for support because they enable and triangulate so much. It sounds like a lot of triangulation is going on right now with you as the persecutor and family as the rescuer.

Have you begun to read through any of our workshops yet? I think checking out the links on the right could really help you begin to understand things a little more and give you some ideas on how to begin improving your relationship. To get you started here are a couple links to some of our workshops. Would you read through these and share your thoughts about these concepts?

Karpman Drama Triangle
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Radical Acceptance
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

[Mutt]

Hi kampoc,

I just to say that I know some things are hard to share, I think that you're brave for getting out of your comfort zone and sharing with us here. I think a part of taking of yourself is creating a support network, maybe you like excersise and you have that one friend that likes working out, maybe you need to talk and you have a non judgmental friend that listens that you can turn to, do you have a friend like that? Are you seeing a T ( therapist )

Also, don't blame yourself or take all of the responsibility in the r/s, some of this lays squarely on his shoulders don't take his share, if he doesn't want to take ownership fine let it be that way. Be compassionate towards yourself, think about what you tell a loved one, tell yourself same thing. What else do you for self care?

[toomanydogs]

Wow, Kampoc,
  You just wrote the story of my marriage, except my H lived in the guest house. He has now left. I don't know where he is. His P probably does. And my H is definitely lying about me.
  I just get on these boards, and I can't friggin' believe the similarities in all these stories.
  I am sorry you're going through this. It is painful beyond belief. I am lucky. I never had children with this man, but I did everything you described--being his mother, being everything.
  The only difference between us that I can see is that I post on the Conflicted thread and the Broken Up Crises thread. I found videos he had shot, and that did it for me.
  My heart goes out to you. I know some of the pain you're experiencing, but not the pain of having had kids with him.
   

TMD

[toomanydogs]

I feel that if I try to talk to anyone, it makes me look like the crazy person he is telling everyone I am.

Yup, I ran into this. Do you have friends or a therapist who know it's him and not you? They can help.

He just came back from California about an hour ago, sneaking in and going straight to his room.

Not suggesting you do so because it's not really legal, but I did change the gate locks; they actually needed changing, and emailed him and his P that if he needed to get into the house, shoot me a text and I'll give him a key as it wasn't my intention to lock him out.
If he shows up without telling me, I'm calling the police because of the threatening emails he has sent me.

He even went to all of the places we shared "our firsts" at! I think he is trying to torture me.

ditto.

I feel trapped. I can't file for divorce because I will lose everything. I know people will say the house, support (money), etc doesn't matter. But, they are not in my position. They don't know how hard I have worked to get to this point in life, even though I am dependant on him now. Plus, I HAVE TO HAVE health insurance. I often feel disappointed in myself for not being a stronger person. I don't know what has happened to me. I was never like this. I was never a "victim."

I don't think you're a 'victim.' I think you're financially dependent on a person. That's your reality. And the health insurance need is a reality, too. I'm in your court. I get what you're going through.
   
TMD