nothing left in life/nagging emptiness

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 Recently I realized have a wide range of psychological issues stemming from my parent's acrimonious divorce 3 decades ago. My mother and us siblings (i am the oldest sister and was 3 years old), brother(was 2yrs) and youngest sister was 9 months old) were literally abandoned on the street. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer and was declared permanently disabled after birth of my sister. We never saw my father, nor he gave us a single cent. He worked tirelessly to pressurize my mother to sign divorce papers without having to pay child support or he will have us killed.  when mother did not budge.  He then left US so he wont have to pay child support, now he is remarried with a son.

 He is an opthomologist, who only abandoned us, because he had affair with my younger aunt. He wanted my mother to convince her parents that(divorce her) and let him marry his sister in law.

Our early childhood was spent in my maternal grandparents home overseas.  My mother worked 2+ jobs in US for several years to support us.  she never remarried. There was not a single day we were not reminded and ridiculed by our aunts, uncle, grandparents that our father abandoned us.  and we are lucky to be here, or else we would be rotting in an orphanage.  

I am assuming for my siblings as well here, We all went through our due share of physical, emotional, sexual abuse over the years. Yet still somehow we managed to put on show that everything is all right. We lived in extreme isolation and fear, distrust of people.  Mother felt people only bring misery in your life.
 
(mother was always sick), and hence it did not feel appropriate to have a life of my on own.

Mother had gotten very bitter, due various health complications, surgeries.  Her behavior now I can see falls into BPD/narcisstic. Often I feel I have become her image. As far as I can remember,  especially I became prime caretaker, personal assistant, confidant etc to my mother.   I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I am terrified of making friends. coworkers are fine. in school setting it is a nightmare.  

One would think after this no one would want to get married. Long story, but I did.  I did not want to.  But I had to because we were not allowed to just 'move out' from house without marriage. That was the first time ever I went against my mother's wishes.  she was furious for many years.  and I was miserable.  I was emotionally dependant on her.

She passed away 6 years ago from cancer.  She died the next day I reached the hospital.  But she was not able to speak. That is the guilt I still carry, I should have gone when she called me. She was waiting for me. I have not been able to visit her grave, it is still too painful.

 I have never wanted my own children, but her death solidified my resolve not to have children.  I cannot give them anything and will only ruin their lives. and my last days will be as miserable as my mother's.  waiting.
Initially my husband did not want kids now he does(sore point).  I wont stop him from marrying him someone else.  then we will go our separate ways.

My spouse started off as a 'wounded' or emotionally dependent person.  This is what attracted me to him.  I was able to heal/better him, that made me feel good about myself. Lately as he comes from a very strong happy family he seems to be needing me less.  He is not expressing love and affection as much.  He claims he is looking to be more independent.  

This is killing me every second.  I just cannot seem to know why.  Why is he hurting me like this?  The sacrifices(convincing my mother no easy task), left US lived with him for 5 yrs. Never demanded anything like usual wives do money. I have had a successful career, and now back in school. all independently. never asked anyone for help.  So much so we have been married 12 years I have never insisted that go on vacation/travel.  The reason I never asked  he must be too tired and he does not like to eat outside.

 After 5 years I moved back to US. Before marriage  he promised that he would move to US, it has been 7 years he has not.  I live alone by choice.  It is lonely. He lives with his family I have given him space, never pressurized him.  

Now the question of divorce has entered.  He mentioned several times in a joking way perhaps harmlessly.  things stick in my head.  he wants a less needy wife.

Sorry for being too long.  Am I being mean/wrong asking him to be kind, smile once in a while, or sometimes act like when he was begging me to marry him?  After all those are the only nice memories I have,  I do not want to them go away.
I am just not brave enough to end it all, I am coward so I will suffer.
Life is a duty, has to be performed. trying to find what I like feels wrong.
Help me.  

[crafter]

 Recently I realized have a wide range of psychological issues stemming from my parent's acrimonious divorce 3 decades ago. My mother and us siblings (i am the oldest sister and was 3 years old), brother(was 2yrs) and youngest sister was 9 months old) were literally abandoned on the street. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer and was declared permanently disabled after birth of my sister. We never saw my father, nor he gave us a single cent. He worked tirelessly to pressurize my mother to sign divorce papers without having to pay child support or he will have us killed.  when mother did not budge.  He then left US so he wont have to pay child support, now he is remarried with a son.

 He is an opthomologist, who only abandoned us, because he had affair with my younger aunt. He wanted my mother to convince her parents that(divorce her) and let him marry his sister in law.

Our early childhood was spent in my maternal grandparents home overseas.  My mother worked 2+ jobs in US for several years to support us.  she never remarried. There was not a single day we were not reminded and ridiculed by our aunts, uncle, grandparents that our father abandoned us.  and we are lucky to be here, or else we would be rotting in an orphanage.  

I am assuming for my siblings as well here, We all went through our due share of physical, emotional, sexual abuse over the years. Yet still somehow we managed to put on show that everything is all right. We lived in extreme isolation and fear, distrust of people.  Mother felt people only bring misery in your life.
 
(mother was always sick), and hence it did not feel appropriate to have a life of my on own.

Mother had gotten very bitter, due various health complications, surgeries.  Her behavior now I can see falls into BPD/narcisstic. Often I feel I have become her image. As far as I can remember,  especially I became prime caretaker, personal assistant, confidant etc to my mother.   I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I am terrified of making friends. coworkers are fine. in school setting it is a nightmare.  

One would think after this no one would want to get married. Long story, but I did.  I did not want to.  But I had to because we were not allowed to just 'move out' from house without marriage. That was the first time ever I went against my mother's wishes.  she was furious for many years.  and I was miserable.  I was emotionally dependant on her.

She passed away 6 years ago from cancer.  She died the next day I reached the hospital.  But she was not able to speak. That is the guilt I still carry, I should have gone when she called me. She was waiting for me. I have not been able to visit her grave, it is still too painful.

 I have never wanted my own children, but her death solidified my resolve not to have children.  I cannot give them anything and will only ruin their lives. and my last days will be as miserable as my mother's.  waiting.
Initially my husband did not want kids now he does(sore point).  I wont stop him from marrying him someone else.  then we will go our separate ways.

My spouse started off as a 'wounded' or emotionally dependent person.  This is what attracted me to him.  I was able to heal/better him, that made me feel good about myself. Lately as he comes from a very strong happy family he seems to be needing me less.  He is not expressing love and affection as much.  He claims he is looking to be more independent.  

This is killing me every second.  I just cannot seem to know why.  Why is he hurting me like this?  The sacrifices(convincing my mother no easy task), left US lived with him for 5 yrs. Never demanded anything like usual wives do money. I have had a successful career, and now back in school. all independently. never asked anyone for help.  So much so we have been married 12 years I have never insisted that go on vacation/travel.  The reason I never asked  he must be too tired and he does not like to eat outside.

 After 5 years I moved back to US. Before marriage  he promised that he would move to US, it has been 7 years he has not.  I live alone by choice.  It is lonely. He lives with his family I have given him space, never pressurized him.  

Now the question of divorce has entered.  He mentioned several times in a joking way perhaps harmlessly.  things stick in my head.  he wants a less needy wife.

Sorry for being too long.  Am I being mean/wrong asking him to be kind, smile once in a while, or sometimes act like when he was begging me to marry him?  After all those are the only nice memories I have,  I do not want to them go away.
I am just not brave enough to end it all, I am coward so I will suffer.
Life is a duty, has to be performed. trying to find what I like feels wrong.
Help me.  

[Turkish]

(mother was always sick), and hence it did not feel appropriate to have a life of my on own.}

I think you identified the main emotional component here. It also seems like this dynamic has bled over into your marriage.  

I don't think what you desire is unreasonable,  vis-a-vis marriage.  Yet it's hard to gain perspective if you grew up in a family with BPD,  especially if you were the child expected to hold everything together,  which is a completely unreasonable expectation to put on a child. Do you think that this was an unreasonable expectation?

[crafter]

Thank you for the reply.  I just did what I thought was necessary, never had the time/nor was strong enough to question it (briefly I was when I was adamant about marrying). more so to get out of the house, not marriage

My spouse has told me what we went through, my mother was not normal. He thinks that I should just snap out of it.  It is too long.  I am always sad he says. He does not now like to talk to me like he used to.  But I thought of him as replacement for my mother.

I can only think off why I was not able to save my mother. All my efforts seem to have gone wasted. Just for once I wanted my mother to get better so we can do normal mother daughter things.

I am an adult who is stuck in childhood.  I very well know I cannot do that. My mind creates various fantasies of a happy childhood. It is  painful to be alone in that fantasy.

My spouse does not have any of this problem.  He works full time, plus his business.  goes to gym now he announced that he is going finish a bachelor degree.  He wants me to stay with him and then we will migrate.
 I have told him if he does not migrate now, I will not file his immigration papers again. even that means divorce. 

When it all comes down to it, each and every person will die alone. I do not feel anything anymore.   I am sick and tired of waiting all my life, hope holds no meaning for me anymore. There is nothing left to be done by me. I am sorry I do not know what I am saying.

[Turkish]

I started realizing my mother was a bit unconventional before 10. I was Parentified a little (maybe a lot... .have you seen this? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65426.0).

I was adopted by a single mother who never married.  Well,  she married when I was 31. Never had a father figure. I resented it.  I tried to attach to other families and my mother ended up resenting this.  As I entered my teen years,  I knew something was seriously off. I realized that I would never have the family I yearned for,  nor would I have anything other than a low functioning mother... .I feel guilty for writing this,  but it's true.  27 years from moving out of her home,  I still feel this way,  and am sad that my kids can't have a grandma on my side. 

These feelings may never go away. It isn't an easy answer to say,  "accept this."

My therapist told me,  regarding my uBPDx and mother of our children,  "I sense that a lot of your anger comes from expecting her to be who she is not." Funny,  I didn't realize I was angry.  Growing up with BPD,  I had learned to suppress my emotions on order to survive.  Spock was my hero. 

I had every right to be angry,  yet I suppressed it,  for decades.  It lead me into a BPD r/s, with kids too boot.

There is nothing left to be done by me.

When I read this,  I automatically think of adding: "for other people." Does something like that feel familiar?

[crafter]

I can see similarities in what you have written in myself.  I do feel angry but also feel guilty.  Looking back the feeling of guilt came about because my mother all her life she used to say,  "I was fine and healthy until I married your father. I got sick(cancer) because I had all three of you'.

If someone asks me to do something I will do it,  this still manages to make me happy for a short time. On the other hand if I try to be happy for myself my mind diminishes the experience, makes it ordinary.
I tend to attach happiness with material things, they do provide happiness but only for short amount of time. 

I like cats and often think to adopt one. I never had any pets.  But then I hear my mother's voice in my head,  kids are like pets,  you have to take care of them and cannot return them to a store if you cannot take care of them.  Some how I think I will not a be a good pet owner.

I went to London with my husband over the weekend.  It was a nice trip, saw many things, good food.  But somehow my experience was not too thrilling. May be I dont know how to get excited.  I just feel it is too late now for me make up the time lost.

[Pizazz]

Hi crafter. Your current situation feels so much like mine. The sentences you use are the same as mine. I am reading a book that hurts to read but is helping me so much exactly for the reasons you describe. Please read it, it is 'not the price of admission' by laura brown. It is exactly what will give you some insight into what's happening for you and what to do to make changes.
Also, have you tried mindful meditation? it might sound crazy but try it every day for a week and you will see a difference. google palouse mindfulness and follow his course. sending you much love, you deserve it now xx

[crafter]

Thank you for your kind words.  I have read several books on effects of divorce. Parental relationships.  Absent father etc. My trouble is the more I learn and read more I feel sad and depressed. I like to know why I m this way but at the same time I feel really low.  I tried meditation but did not feel too much improvement.  My mind is busy degrading me all the time

[Turkish]

My mind is busy degrading me all the time

This probably isn't your real voice,  but rather the voice of others you've internalized. At the ages most members finally reach out for support here (or wherever), it may be hard to tell the difference. 

I still feel the "I'm not worth being loved" voice,  "unless I'm providing something for someone else," voice.  I know it's messed up,  and I truthfully don't hear an actual voice.  It's more of a deep feeling I have trouble admitting, much less confronting.   

[crafter]

On and off I have tried various techniques for positive change. But never completed them.  After sometime I revert back to old habits. They are familiar and comforting. And I feel I have ran out of patience and hope to see positive side of anything.
Turkish you nailed it. That's what I feel.

Another Constant battle I face is that I don't like people doing things for me.  For eg. Like holding door for me at shopping center out of courtesy.

 I can do that for others no problem. It makes me feel bad about myself that someone did something for me. 
Most of the time my mind is devoid of feelings.  It's hard to pretend to b happy when you are not