My exBPDGF seems to have moved on so quickly

[confusedbloke]

I wonder if those with BPD get over things quicker as they are that enraged at you, and they simply cannot see any fault of their own, it makes them easier to hate you for "betraying" their trust and effort.  And therefore cast you aside like pond life?  I'm starting to think this is the case... .

My exBPDGF seems to have moved on so quickly.  And stupidly been having the odd text with her, I can see this.  She blames me for everything.  I never did this... .I never did that... .I never made effort.

But shes forgotten the times when shes smashed my house up, ruined xmas day by turning up drunk at my mothers, insulting everyone, grabbing food with her hand and then falling asleep.  Or the time I took her to Amsterdam... when she slashed all her feet up by stomping on a glass.  Never seen so much blood.  Or when she got us kicked out of a club in liverpool for being too drunk, then crawling along the street... .after snapping an expensive necklace I bought her and paid for the hotel for the weekend for her birthday.  Or the tickets i booked for a show, and she just wouldnt talk to me... .so we wasted them... Or new years eve, my birthdays, holiday abroad... . Just utter madness that I stayed with this woman for so long... .Just hoping that one day she would understand and change.  We always said we never had a honeymoon period... .and we didn't... .

And now Im the one feeling heartbroken, and shes happy as larry... .

I find it all completely unfair.  I treated her so well, but she abused me so much... .all because I didn't think I was good enough to have found a pretty woman like that... . Its ridiculous... .

Just venting again... .Just feel completely short changed on this, and I'm the one that's hurting... .

Well I suppose I need to find a new life... .just don't know where to start

[In a bad way]

I wonder if those with BPD get over things quicker as they are that enraged at you, and they simply cannot see any fault of their own, it makes them easier to hate you for "betraying" their trust and effort.  And therefore cast you aside like pond life?  I'm starting to think this is the case... .

My exBPDGF seems to have moved on so quickly.  And stupidly been having the odd text with her, I can see this.  She blames me for everything.  I never did this... .I never did that... .I never made effort.

But shes forgotten the times when shes smashed my house up, ruined xmas day by turning up drunk at my mothers, insulting everyone, grabbing food with her hand and then falling asleep.  Or the time I took her to Amsterdam... when she slashed all her feet up by stomping on a glass.  Never seen so much blood.  Or when she got us kicked out of a club in liverpool for being too drunk, then crawling along the street... .after snapping an expensive necklace I bought her and paid for the hotel for the weekend for her birthday.  Or the tickets i booked for a show, and she just wouldnt talk to me... .so we wasted them... Or new years eve, my birthdays, holiday abroad... . Just utter madness that I stayed with this woman for so long... .Just hoping that one day she would understand and change.  We always said we never had a honeymoon period... .and we didn't... .

And now Im the one feeling heartbroken, and shes happy as larry... .

I find it all completely unfair.  I treated her so well, but she abused me so much... .all because I didn't think I was good enough to have found a pretty woman like that... . Its ridiculous... .

Just venting again... .Just feel completely short changed on this, and I'm the one that's hurting... .

Well I suppose I need to find a new life... .just don't know where to start

I couldn't have written that better myself mate.
I agree 100%... .Mine forgot about all the good I did for her and her kids, she forgot about the ruined holiday where she behaved like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum for 2 weeks solid. Yes like yours she was crawling around on the floor drunk.
I can relate to buying tickets and not going, ruined new years eve, ruined anniversary, ruined xmas... .the list goes on.
Falling asleep while in company of others.

In fact everything you wrote rings true with me, right down to the gone out of her life like I never existed because I snapped at her and told her some home truths.
Maybe as I've read on here it's easier for them to wipe you out of existence than to face reality.

[SWLSR]

Hello Confused

A BPD is able to move on so quickly because they are never really connected to anything.  They were no more connected to us than they were to the previous people they were with.  My ex has few friends not alot of family who will speak to her and a string of former relationships and two marriages who want nothing to do with her yet she blames on everyone else.  It is who they are.  Struggle because we did really connect to them we put all we had and then some into making them happy.  We were often spent so much time trying to please them while they were just a bottomless pit of emotional, financial, social, ad spiritual needs and probably a few more needs I have not mentioned.  They also are most likely going to make a break from us that makes us look as bad as they can make us look, coupled with lies, rumors and deceit.  They do this because the new night in shinning Armour needs to look as good as then can. 

Yes all of this happens but here is the thing one day we recover we are no longer in their game and they are no longer of any value to us.  I know six years ago I was in those shoes and it was a bad as it got.  Life will be real again but in order to get through this you have to face these facts.   

[confused4now]

Thank You for sharing , It is nice to hear from someone that has moved on, or past the pain. I must remind myself that he really was not attached . Ever time I stat this grieving cycle, I forget he does not feel like I do, I was just a part of what he needed at the time. I know that once I get further down the road, my mind and heart will start to line up. My head knows that I will be happier and most of all healthier, but I am going through the with drawl stage. My husband is moving out tomorrow. This was my decision, although it does not feel like a decision. It feels like a horrible game of "chicken" and I  ... ., I just wonder why they lie so much, why when they are not feeling it anymore they don't let us know, so we can start to process and trust ourselves. It seems like more then just not connecting, its the sucking us back in to hurt you all over. Seems like they are connected to inflicting pain.    

[confusedbloke]

Hi bad way... .

Utterly true with the tantrums.  We went on holiday last year... .well the day we were due to fly, she just wouldnt speak to me.  I was calling and calling but she wouldnt answer the phone.  So that day i ended up going out with friends, so we lost the holiday.  Its ridiculous.  Anyway after 2 days she started talking to me again and I paid for 2 new flights and we ended up going.  We got to airport at about 6am and we had a few beers.  Then on the plane she just turned on me after drinking again.  Shes a terrible drunk!  Abs awful.  Anyway we didnt speak for 5 hours... .I didnt want to trigger her more on the plane so i just kept quite.  That holiday was the worst experience ive had.  My god I cant tell you the stuff she did... .

Always felt like she was testing me... .  Shes just nuts... .  She literally ruined every thing we did... .so toward the end I just didnt take her anywhere for fear of her kicking off... .so i got it in the neck for that... .and when i tried to explain (JADEing - i think its called), she just didnt listen and spouted some nonsense about how bad i was.  You could never have a conversation with her... .always walking on eggshells... .  Ive JADEd so much and it makes no difference... .
I have a 6 year old boy and he gets it when i converse with him, if hes done something thats not right... .  It literally is just draining with this woman... .but yet I cant seem to get her out of my head... .  or why would i be on this forum?

What is it about us that needs them for our happiness?  What is wrong with us?  Ive got a stupidly high paid job, lovely lovely children... ., great relationship with my ex wife... .(and thats a whole other story to the crazy ex BPDgf saga - not even going there!) my own house and im not a bad looking lad.  Why has this woman messed me up so much?  What is is about her?  Why am i addicted to being treated like dirt... .?

Grrr!

Hi SWLSR,

You see I believe that she was connected to me... .But in a completely unhealthy way.  She doesnt work, lives in a shared house with a lustful landlord, has nothing really... .Nothing at all... .  Although thinking about it, maybe she saw me as her meal ticket... .in fact the more i think about it, the more i believe that... .  But Im a man that teaches my kids to earn their own money.  I had nothing and Ive achieved a lot.  I actually feel like she was expecting me to be a father type role... .  Her childhood was not good.  When she was 4, her dad made her watch him as he raped her mother... .that's the s**t shes had to witness and deal with... .  I guess shes just damaged, and I need to understand that no amount of love and affection will change her... .  Still doesn't help me though at this present time... .  I guess if they cant trust their parents... .who can they trust.  My upbringing wasn't great either, but I wouldn't treat someone like shes treated me... .

[hope2727]

They move on in part because they can't live alone with themselves. It would require to much introspection. So rather than examine their own pain and emptiness they fill that void with a new source of soothing. Mine always told me how his counsellor told him he had to self soothe. But he couldn't. Not even for a moment. He moved on in less than 2 weeks. He had to attach to someone new to sooth him. He couldn't be alone. Their attachment to us was the same thing. A source of soothing. Sad but true. For us it was real. For them it was survival. Which is just as real in its own way I suppose.

[SummerStorm]

I'll echo what others have said.  They just can't be alone.  When my former friend is single, she lines up "friends" to hang out with.  She will make a new co-worker she barely knows her "best friend," text friends from college that she hasn't talked to in years, etc., just so she has someone to be with when she's not at work.  On her days off, she's been known to just go to work and "visit" her co-workers because she can't do anything by herself.  I get that it's fun to do things with other people, but she can't even go shopping for a new pair of shoes by herself.  And in between hanging out with these friends, she is constantly on the search for a new relationship.  She finds one, dumps the friends again, idealizes the new guy for a few months, dumps him or gets dumped by him, seeks out the friends again, etc.  It's an endless cycle. 

You said you're heartbroken and that she's happy.  Chances are, she's not.  She may be experiencing brief moments of happiness, but that isn't the same as being truly happy.  And even if she does find herself in a place where she's truly happy, she will likely do or say something that will cause chaos to reign once again. 

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you can be happy again, and you will be.  It may just take time.  And you need to look inside yourself and know what's best for you.  For me, it took two years and multiple discards for me to finally say, "I honestly don't care if she ever contacts me again."  Do I still wonder if she will?  Yes, but mostly out of just general curiosity, not because I'm desperately wanting to talk to her.   I'm not checking my phone constantly or trying to find out from other people what she's been doing.  I'm focusing on work, hiking, making plans for some fun autumn activities, etc. 

[confusedbloke]

I wonder if thats my issue also.  I dont like being alone.  Maybe thats why I allowed the abuse.  I took so much from her and she never apologised... .She just couldnt.  I must have been crazy... .well in fact I turned crazy... .

Whatever it is, Im out of it now, and I guess in time I will be ok... .Just feels like a struggle right now... .

I'm wondering if I'm in shock?  Got constantly clammy hands, sweating, legs wont stop moving, nervous feeling, cant eat, cant sleep, drinking too much, house is a mess, nothing seems that good anymore... .  I guess deep down I wanted it to end for months and months, but now it has arrived... .I guess I just wasn't prepared for the reality...

But If I had have stayed with her, I would not be a well man... .that I can say with utter certainty... .

[Angel3287]

Hey confusedbloke,

Sorry you're having a tough time but each day will get better over time and it's normal to have dips in the recovery process. I'm fresh out of a relationship myself (BU 1.5 months ago) and know that it comes in waves, so accept that it's a hard moment that it too will pass.

The weird thing about breaking up with a BPDx, at least from what I experienced in the first 2 weeks, is that we can start to take on their traits from the discard. Based on the level of abuse you experienced, you will have elements of PTSD, which are what you've described (clammy hands, drinking etc.). Again, all totally normal.

As far as her rebound -- this is a reflection of her mental illness and trauma AND has NOTHING to do with you. She could say whatever she wanted, just like we can come up with excuses for our behaviors, but honest words do not line up with unhealthy actions. Period.

 The new relationship is a coping mechanism as, sadly, as all the other ones have been. That does not mean that she didn't care for you and that you didn't bring anything into her life, but she values it in a different way as her behavior and thoughts are disordered. We all have behavioral/emotional patterns based off our life experiences - unfortunately for them, their trauma has put them on a cycle of self-destruction.

Eventually, you will move through stages of Shock, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. It'll take awhile but all will level out in time.

[confusedbloke]

Hi Angel

I'm 5 weeks after break up and regarding traits, I started picking her traits up very soon into the relationship. It became a one up game of cat and mouse... .there's has been resentment for such a long time... .I've had so much abuse. I'm sat here with a deafenned ear that is a constant reminder... .I've also given my share of abuse in response. But I know I never started these things. I just reacted... .Anyway I hope you're feeling ok and thanks for responding

[vanx]

My ex moved on quickly and seemed to have forgotten recent romantic promises or a connection we seemed to share. The way she explained it herself was she did what she had to do. It doesn't make it easier to swallow, but I do think she's being totally honest there. She has difficulty coping another way besides swiftly moving on and blaming the other person. I would agree with what was already said--my ex never attached really in the first place. It's just not safe to do.

It really pulls the rug out under you, doesn't it?

[Angel3287]

I'm so sorry about the physical abuse you've endure and now the tinnitus with your ear, Confusedbloke! My mother suffers from it and I know how hard it can be - you might want to try taking a zinc supplement to help with the circulation in the ear. It may improve and lessen the ringing.

I was a wreak at 5 weeks post break up and took a trip to escape from "the usual", hoping it would help me heal and distract me. On some level, it did help but we can't run away from our lives forever (unfortunately!) and will have to deal with the emotions of it at some point. I'd recommend crying and doing something physical (gym, kickboxing, hiking etc.) as often as possible to get you "out of your head". I'm on a crazy CrossFit regiment at the moment and attribute it to keeping me sane. If I didn't have that hour a day to push myself to the limit physically and take a mental break, I'm sure I would have done some very self-destructive things... .including running back to my ex. I almost did on many occasions and fight the impulse still.

It's hard to know that you retaliated with some abusive behavior but you'll have to forgive yourself to move on. You would have had to have absolutely ZERO self worth to allow someone to treat you that way without consequence, so don't beat yourself up. Acknowledge your part and make peace with that you were trying to defend yourself and may have slipped a few times.

Today I swayed back and forth from compassion and anger over my ex after reading about a fellow member's BPD husband who is pathologically lying and cheating on her. The anger comes from a place of wanting to know 1) why people must suffer from this disorder and 2) why we, too, end up suffering with them. It's hard to make peace with. The only thing that seems to work in moments when thoughts like these arise is to think of an affirmation I heard from Michael Beckwith "I am grateful for the unknown blessings coming my way.". For me, it helps me reaffirm that there is a future beyond this point and that there are many happy and happier moments to come. It's hard to believe it sometimes, but it's the flashlight we gotta hold onto for now as we're going through the tunnel... .

[confusedbloke]

Thanks Angel... .wasn't this always the wish that our exes spoke like we all do. Just open, honest and trusting? My ex purposely sent a few words on text that were always spelt wrong and made no sense... .i could never see why... .whats the point?

A zinc supplement? Not sure what that is, but I'll give it a try. I've been reluctant to look up tinnitus as I know it's permanent... .I hate it. It bugs me all the time... .and I wouldn't have it if it wasn't for her drunken anger.

I mean my abuse by waiting until she'd sobered up and I sent abuse on texts... .I just couldn't help it. I went too far tho and said nasty things.  Id mirrored her personality... .and became her because I didn't like that she could get away with it and make me feel terrible for no reason.

I guess I'm just making trying to make sense... .of the whole dynamics... .ď

[Angel3287]

Well, the good news is that Tinnitus may not be chronic - everyone is different. Don't lose hope there and do try the zinc!

Mirroring her personality is not uncommon among partners probably because we love the other person and want to be close to them. That's a pretty scary fact when we think about it now, right? A lot of stuff goes on subconsciously and you can't really work that out without some distance.

You're right - it wasn't fair for her to treat you poorly for no reason but I would also say that it's not ok to abuse someone in retaliation. The difference is that you have acknowledged that you were wrong and have remorse, whereas she is incapable of truly doing that with you. That would make her far too vulnerable to a serious emotional blow and relinquishing control over how she would like to see things.

It's all about self-protection in the most primitive and immature of ways. It's sad, tragic and frightening.

On making sense -- you probably have made sense of most things at this point. Truth be told is that the "making sense" often turns into doubting our perception and ruminating over a conversation/situation over and over trying to find new angles to the relationship. You know what happened in your head but it's a matter of settling it in your heart, which is the hardest part of it all. We've had glimpses into their head and soul and do have a sense for what was real when it was and what wasn't when it was. It's traumatic but our gut still knows the truth when our head doubts it.

I share your pain and grief over it in many ways and I know we will get stronger through this experience. It is s*** now but will be liberating later. Stay strong!

[LoveLostHeart]

I'll echo what others have said.  They just can't be alone.  When my former friend is single, she lines up "friends" to hang out with.  She will make a new co-worker she barely knows her "best friend," text friends from college that she hasn't talked to in years, etc., just so she has someone to be with when she's not at work.  On her days off, she's been known to just go to work and "visit" her co-workers because she can't do anything by herself.  I get that it's fun to do things with other people, but she can't even go shopping for a new pair of shoes by herself.  And in between hanging out with these friends, she is constantly on the search for a new relationship.  She finds one, dumps the friends again, idealizes the new guy for a few months, dumps him or gets dumped by him, seeks out the friends again, etc.  It's an endless cycle. 

This is so recognizable. My ex has been switching through different groups of friends during the past years. When she gets in fights with one group, she'll switch back to another group. And so on. I have heard from her sister and friends this has been happening for a long time now. And she just recently did it again. I am wondering though, why are these people taking her back every time? If I would be "normal friends" with her, I would not have reconnected again.