I can't stand to be around or talk to my mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I'm new here. I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with a recent argument I had with my mother. But some background information first, I've never really gotten along with my mom, as far as I can remember I've just never really liked her much, she tends to be very manipulative, uses guilting tripping regularly and has no boundaries. I've had many arguments with her over my lifetime and it wasn't until about 4 years ago that I realized that she simply does not respect me as a human being and a adult. I won't get into the details of that argument, but basically I had gone to NYC for a day trip with my mom and sister, a trip they basically invited themselves to and I felt too guilty to tell them I didn't want them to come with me. After we got back on the bus and my husband picked us up my mom asked if she could stay at my place for a while to "unwind" to which I responded no because I had a lot of things to get done around the house and my father in law was over watching a sports with my husband and i didn't want to interrupt their thing. Of course when we got back to my place (they had parked their car near my place and we took the bus from there to NYC) they decided to stay... .after a while I politely asked them to leave because i had things to do and didn't want to entertain them and my husband wanted to have some guy time with his dad.

The were both livid that I told them to leave. After that incident my sister told me basically how horrible I am and how I don't care about her at all (even though over the years I've helped her in many ways like looking for jobs, paying for her insurance, i let her stay at my place for a week when she was dealing with some stuff and I even paid her to watch my dogs a few times) My mom was pretty offended but much less aggressive than my sister in her response. I started going to therapy after that and my therapist helped me set some boundaries with my mom. My sister and I didn't speak to each other this whole time. To be honest I've never liked her, we are complete opposites and if we weren't sisters we'd never even talk to each other or be friends, so for me at the moment it was best to cut that relationship (there are other issues there like co-dependency with my mom... .she was at the time in her early thirties without a job and still living with my mom).

After I sent my mom a very long email detailing how that incident made me feel and how I felt like she treated me like a child and didn't respect me, I also set some very clear boundaries and basically kept her at a distance. Fast forward to 3 months ago and I ended up in the hospital with kidney failure (I was diagnosed with ckd in 2011) and I simply refused to tell her I was hospitalized, but my husband convinced me. She is very obsesive about things and very paranoid and anxious and overly dramatic and pushy so I honestly didn't need the stress. Sure enough when she came to visit me to the hospital literally the first thing she said when she came in the room wasnt  how are you feeling... .it was "where is the nurse?", they need to pick up the trash" as you can imagine the least of my worries was the damn trashcan. My husband talked to her while I was in the hospital and explained to her that she needs to respect me and my space and that I don't want to be trated like a child. He said she seemed to have understood. The relationship has been the same, distant, but now when she can't reach me by phone she tries to call my husband (and honestly sometimes I am screening her calls... .I just don't wanna talk to her that much) plus I'm now on dialysis and I have a lot to do on a daily baisis.

Anyways this last week she has been OBSESSING over the hurricane that hit Florida because we have family there and she's been posting on the family whatsapp group on a daily basis urging them to leave, sending article, asking what everyone's plans are and generally being a bit much. I tend to ignore her in there sivnce its whatever, but on Saturday she posted a message saying she was talking to some friends of hers to see if she could offer up their houses for my cousin's and their families to stay there if they need to after the hurricane (no one asked for help and they all have plans and are completely ok) and here's the kicker... .she said that my sister and I couldn't offer up our places because my sister lives in a studio apartment and I'm compromised with my dialysis at home. This really ticked me off, because 1. She never even talked to me about it, 2. She's determining what I can or can't do because of my dialysis and 3. She's speaking for me (again, treating me like a child). I immediately sent her a message and asked her to please not ever talk for me, that I can speak for my self and to please not make comments like that about my health. Of course that didn't go over well and told me "well what do you want me to do? You don't answer my calls" to which I said that that wasn't an excuse for her to speak for me. And then I told her that I couldn't understand how this was so difficult for her to understand that I want a child and that I was just done trying to make her understand. She then said that since I was a child I've responded to her the same way, that every time I make a comment like that it's "a dagger to her heart", that I need to be considerate with her because of her age. I didn't respond, I thought it was pretty ridiculous that she was blaming me for her own behavior. And I'm about done dealing with her, I blocked her on WhatsApp and blocked her number from my phone. I told my husband to please ignore her.

I honestly have had a very rough summer. I'm 33 years old my my kidneys are done. I'm gonna need a transplant and my stress level as you can imagine has been insane. I simply cannot deal with this person anymore, to be honest I don't know how much life I have left in me and I don't want to spend the 15-20 years (hopefully more) that I might have worrying about a relationship that I just don't think is ever gonna go anywhere and it causes me more anxiety and stress than dialysis.

[Cbgb16]

Hi, I'm new here. I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start with a recent argument I had with my mother. But some background information first, I've never really gotten along with my mom, as far as I can remember I've just never really liked her much, she tends to be very manipulative, uses guilting tripping regularly and has no boundaries. I've had many arguments with her over my lifetime and it wasn't until about 4 years ago that I realized that she simply does not respect me as a human being and a adult. I won't get into the details of that argument, but basically I had gone to NYC for a day trip with my mom and sister, a trip they basically invited themselves to and I felt too guilty to tell them I didn't want them to come with me. After we got back on the bus and my husband picked us up my mom asked if she could stay at my place for a while to "unwind" to which I responded no because I had a lot of things to get done around the house and my father in law was over watching a sports with my husband and i didn't want to interrupt their thing. Of course when we got back to my place (they had parked their car near my place and we took the bus from there to NYC) they decided to stay... .after a while I politely asked them to leave because i had things to do and didn't want to entertain them and my husband wanted to have some guy time with his dad.

The were both livid that I told them to leave. After that incident my sister told me basically how horrible I am and how I don't care about her at all (even though over the years I've helped her in many ways like looking for jobs, paying for her insurance, i let her stay at my place for a week when she was dealing with some stuff and I even paid her to watch my dogs a few times) My mom was pretty offended but much less aggressive than my sister in her response. I started going to therapy after that and my therapist helped me set some boundaries with my mom. My sister and I didn't speak to each other this whole time. To be honest I've never liked her, we are complete opposites and if we weren't sisters we'd never even talk to each other or be friends, so for me at the moment it was best to cut that relationship (there are other issues there like co-dependency with my mom... .she was at the time in her early thirties without a job and still living with my mom).

After I sent my mom a very long email detailing how that incident made me feel and how I felt like she treated me like a child and didn't respect me, I also set some very clear boundaries and basically kept her at a distance. Fast forward to 3 months ago and I ended up in the hospital with kidney failure (I was diagnosed with ckd in 2011) and I simply refused to tell her I was hospitalized, but my husband convinced me. She is very obsesive about things and very paranoid and anxious and overly dramatic and pushy so I honestly didn't need the stress. Sure enough when she came to visit me to the hospital literally the first thing she said when she came in the room wasnt  how are you feeling... .it was "where is the nurse?", they need to pick up the trash" as you can imagine the least of my worries was the damn trashcan. My husband talked to her while I was in the hospital and explained to her that she needs to respect me and my space and that I don't want to be trated like a child. He said she seemed to have understood. The relationship has been the same, distant, but now when she can't reach me by phone she tries to call my husband (and honestly sometimes I am screening her calls... .I just don't wanna talk to her that much) plus I'm now on dialysis and I have a lot to do on a daily baisis.

Anyways this last week she has been OBSESSING over the hurricane that hit Florida because we have family there and she's been posting on the family whatsapp group on a daily basis urging them to leave, sending article, asking what everyone's plans are and generally being a bit much. I tend to ignore her in there sivnce its whatever, but on Saturday she posted a message saying she was talking to some friends of hers to see if she could offer up their houses for my cousin's and their families to stay there if they need to after the hurricane (no one asked for help and they all have plans and are completely ok) and here's the kicker... .she said that my sister and I couldn't offer up our places because my sister lives in a studio apartment and I'm compromised with my dialysis at home. This really ticked me off, because 1. She never even talked to me about it, 2. She's determining what I can or can't do because of my dialysis and 3. She's speaking for me (again, treating me like a child). I immediately sent her a message and asked her to please not ever talk for me, that I can speak for my self and to please not make comments like that about my health. Of course that didn't go over well and told me "well what do you want me to do? You don't answer my calls" to which I said that that wasn't an excuse for her to speak for me. And then I told her that I couldn't understand how this was so difficult for her to understand that I want a child and that I was just done trying to make her understand. She then said that since I was a child I've responded to her the same way, that every time I make a comment like that it's "a dagger to her heart", that I need to be considerate with her because of her age. I didn't respond, I thought it was pretty ridiculous that she was blaming me for her own behavior. And I'm about done dealing with her, I blocked her on WhatsApp and blocked her number from my phone. I told my husband to please ignore her.

I honestly have had a very rough summer. I'm 33 years old my my kidneys are done. I'm gonna need a transplant and my stress level as you can imagine has been insane. I simply cannot deal with this person anymore, to be honest I don't know how much life I have left in me and I don't want to spend the 15-20 years (hopefully more) that I might have worrying about a relationship that I just don't think is ever gonna go anywhere and it causes me more anxiety and stress than dialysis.

[Turkish]

It's your husband going to respect your boundaries this time,  having seen how your family doesn't? Given what you're going through,  I'd think that you and your H need to circle the wagons to take care of you.  What kind of advice has your T offered with respect to asserting boundaries.  Have you found out helpful? We have info here on boundaries as well. 

Turkish