Welcome Ironman85!
I'm glad you came across the site. This is where you can find help in understanding more about your relationship and the behaviours you've encountered, whilst hearing others' stories and knowing you're not alone. The end of a BPD r/s is a very emotionally charged and often confusing time and we can help you through. How long is it since you split up and how did that transpire? Tell us more about the history when you are ready.
The articles and lessons here are grounded in fact so you can rely on them for good information and guidance. You'll find some great ones to start with to the right of the board here. I'd suggest you begin with learning all you can about BPD and one article I'd like to highlight explains how a BPD r/s evolves. We cannot diagnose here, but from what you describe I certainly hear traits. This article may help you to identify similarities in your r/s and understand how and why things played out as they did. It helped me a lot. Here's the link:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolvesAre there any parts of this article that particularly ring true to you?
Love and light x
Sure, I am an open book.
In may of this year, after her not working for 21 months (10 of which there was no maternity money coming in at all) I insisted it was time she get to work to help get us out of the mountains of debt, catch up on past due bills and save for a home for our family (4 kids total).
Things seemed ok, until mid June when she got upset at me for pointing out we were short of money (she had just told me a bunch of items she HAD to buy for her mom and myself the next day. This wasnt much of an argument because I avoid conflict at all costs which is a self preservation tactic). I thought We had moved on past this, she was even asking me about other rentals we could look into for the family with her new income and discussed what our options were.
Now I will point out the telltale signs I learned to notice through our last couple break ups that started around this time.
She would ask about getting a dog, which she knew we have no space for and I really am not interested in taking on more responsibility (as I was doing 90% of the "Adulting" for us. i.e making kids supper, cleaning (was criticized for a poor job), taking kids to sports, laundry etc... .literally all she had to do was take them to school while i worked, and sit on the couch with the baby all day. She started wearing perfume and caking on makeup (I dont mind this, but again she would put no effort into looks unless planning to leave me, so it was always a red flag something was up) and posting selfies of herself (she would maintain she had no self esteem when we were "happy" and therefore these were out of character for her.) She further spent 70 bucks we didnt have on a new push up bra, and 150 on new glasses... .220$ of 300$ we had to survive on till the next pay.
I moved along and kept on track, as again, I love... loved her and just didn't want her to leave me, and this is what she wanted, that is fine.
Starting around late June, I stayed home one day... .I was hungover... .and now that she was working I could finally take a sick day (we both knew and agreed I would eventually need to take time off as I have severe Anxiety about money and providing for my family and I had been burning myself out over the last couple years making money exist and sustaining our home, ontop of all the things I was doing to avoid breaking up, learned from each last breakup). When i went downstairs she said she had a migraine (never had them unless she had a reason to claim so ie : no sex tonight, dont want to help shop etc) so she went to bed for about 6 hours. From that point out she used the excuse her "sleep schedule was off" and avoided bed... (more on this later). This sleep schedule issue kept being used as an excuse for another 2 weeks, while I slept upstairs alone. but i thought little of it, as again, I didn't want to rock the boat.
July 1st was another visit to her mothers, which I attended, she started getting increasingly cold and distant... .making comments like "you dont have to come, youll just ruin the fun" (I used to be a buzzkill before i was medicated for my anxiety, but the last 2 years I was much more easygoing and would often be applauded by her family for how much I had changed for the better with my nervousness and unease). She spent the entire Canada Day avoiding me, while playing on her phone, while i cared for our baby all day with no help whatsoever and barely any acknowledgement.
When we returned she isolated herself away from me more and more, choosing to avoid me at all costs, but still playing the part (i.e kisses, and saying I love you) etc. Finally things came to blows when around july 12th or so... .I finally called her out for avoiding me and ignoring my attempts to go on a date, spend time together.
This caused her to storm out of the room and send me hateful texts about things I had done wrong and ways I was a terrible husband and father.
4 days later she informed me shes moving out at the end of the month and I wouldn't get help paying that months bills, as she needed it for a new place. This backfired when she learned she couldn't get electricity without a deposit (I was the only one with credit left because she had defaulted on every utility, cellphone, student loan she had acquired before meeting me). So she went "sweet" in personality, and we discussed her waiting to move till september, so we could both save up money for the transition... .she went to see a place a block away, leaving the house in good spirits, and came back, informed me i was a piece of s***and she was moving to another place across town in 2 weeks to get away from me. She paid me her portion of the bills for July, but placed blame on me for the fact that we were behind on bills (part true, but again, she was generating no income for 10 months and it was adding up)
July 27th she moved out, I helped move some items, never got a thanks or any gratitude.
Now heres where some of the previous information starts to add up;
Within 2 weeks she already moved in her next target, who she convinced to move from across the country away from his friends and family (like a 4 day drive across country).Where he lived is 3 hours behind in time, so I learned she was staying up late to talk to him, no doubt priming him with stories about how her big mean husband was a jerk making her work or whatever falsehoods she depended on (usually taking things she controlled me with, but changing who the victim was of this control). She secured him a job and had everything lined up. So its clear there was a reason she would snap out of nowhere that she needed to move "NOW" even though we were amicable (I was somewhat relieved she left me, i felt a weight off me as I knew it was inevitable).
Before I learned of this man, and after a couple weeks of her moving out, I attempted to make peace, inform her I was sorry for what I did wrong (Did i mention I have alot of rejection issues and will take all blame as long as someone "love me" This was met with comments about how I wasnt bad to her but i certainly never made her feel "special". All attempts at making peace with the past were met with hostility and blame games and anecdotes of how I failed her as a partner. I often remarked that I couldn't understand where she was coming with, I was never mean, never demeaning and supported her always and tried to show her love and attention, while balancing all the responsabilities here at home, but by then I was already "Painted black"
I will stop there for now, I could go for hours and hours about things i learned and adapted to do to appease her, the 40 or so different instances of traits and habits i adopted to avoid her leaving me (whatever she claimed was an issue would be addressed, then a new issue would arise).
I am lucky, that part of her sham personality with this new "Mark" is that she doesnt want the children to be "his problem" so i have them more than half the time. But even then, as things become more inconvenient for her, her agreements for scheduled times and work schedule accommodations change.
If you have more questions I am open to answering, but I dont want to bore people with more and more information.
Thanks again, after almost 3 months of grieving my "soulmate" and feeling like I failed myself, her and my children... .I am starting to see there was very little, to nothing I could do to save our marriage... .and have alot of self discovery to do (I don't even know who I am anymore, because for so long I was changing to appease her).
