And just like that it's taken a turn for the worse

[lostandconfused6]

I think I get a good grasp on things then it's like my BPDbf does a 180 and I'm lost and questioning everything I thought was working and getting better... .

Like how do I hold him accountable (I guess that's the right word) for obvious lies or going back on his word without looking like I'm attacking him or making him feel like "he can't do anything right"

 but (and this maybe selfish) I feel like I have a right to express things I want also  and things that will make me feel bette... .also I feel like I should be able to point out when he does something I'm not ok with or goes back what he told me and I just get so hurt and frustrated when I feel like things are great and he's sticking to what he's telling me and our communication is in a good place... .  then all of a sudden a string of days where its not ok to ask anything or point anything out and i'm being pushy when i ask literally 1 question i try to validate and it seems to be going well then 20 min later hes jumping down my throat again

 ... .example we talked about him touching base more often about what he's doing and places he's going so I don't have to guess or assume and also so I know what times not to text or call as much incase he's doing something serious or if hes in a crappy mood I don't want to trigger him and he said that's a great idea and agreed ... .a few weeks go by seemingly it's great... .we are in a conversation and he mentions he went to hang out with 1 of his friends he hasn't seen in 10 years for a few hours when he got out of class i said oh what night was this he said like a week or 2 ago i said oh ok i didn't know about it he said i didn't feel it was important and i simply said "it is important to me and based on our conversation a few weeks ago you agreed to tell me things like that" he said "i know what i said and i didn't feel like you needed to know this because it didn't matter that much" I said " it matters to me i do know you have told me every night since you've been in school that you have gone straight home or to the gym" he said "wow big deal i went 30 min out of way to see a friend for a few hours and i didn't see the reason to tell you because it's irrelevant... .just put a tracker in my a** or hire a private detective to follow me around you ruined my day now you're so annoying" and i simply said "i am only going off of the agreement we made a few weeks ago." he said ok great and I'll follow that when i feel like it and i dare you to ask me another question or to keep talking at all because i will never see you again"

I know that was handled wrong on my part to an extent but idk what else to do he says 1 thin and sticks to it "when he sees fit" how in the world do i handle this? or do i have to just let it go?

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[heartandwhole]

Hi lostandconfused6,

I'm sorry to hear the communications break down like that. I know how frustrating that is. I think a lot of couples go through that kind of thing. Add BPD to the mix, and things can get highly emotional pretty quickly. 

It sounds like in the example you gave, your partner may have felt guilty about going back on the agreement, so he turned the tables and started blaming you for "crowding" him. From there, it goes to threats of leaving, etc.

I'm sure you are familiar with the communication tools on the site, since you've been here awhile. I highly recommend them. Sometimes they don't seem to work, feel awkward, etc., but with practice they can really make a difference. And they give you a chance to express what you are feeling, which is very important.

In your example, maybe something along the lines of S.E.T.: "Honey, I understand not thinking it was important to tell me about seeing your friend. I'm glad you got to spend time with him, especially since it's been so long. Our agreement to tell each other things like this is important to me, however, and I'd like to stick to it going forward." 

If the agreement isn't working for him, you may want to offer to refine it until it's acceptable to both of you. But I think letting him know that it is important to you is good for you, regardless of what he does. Does that make sense?

Have you had several incidences of troubled communication recently? Is that why things feel like they've taken a turn for the worse?

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi lostandconfused,



I agree with heartandwhole. You could try repackaging it differently by validating his feelings first then follow that up with your truth. Feelings = facts to a pwBPD whereas it's the other way around for the non disordered. It's a bit of a learning curve.