Accepting I can't fight her distorted reality

[flamingspiral]

She's incredibly intelligent, and not malicious. She really does believe what she says, and now that I'm not there to correct her distorted perception of reality, I know that her mind will write over the incredible compatibility and intimacy we shared, and replace it with a warping of reality that makes it easier to walk away from and forget about.

It's just amazing to me how she could use such a deep word as 'love', and then view at just 'being wrapped up in the moment'. It's amazing how in retrospect she views me as the antagonist in the intensity, and how easily she seems to deflect and forget her part, and how strongly she invited and endorsed my intensity.

Yes, I was passionate and infatuated. I said my share of intense things, a perpetuation that started in effort to compensate for her low self-esteem/need for validation/difficulty accepting my compliments and sincerity. I told her she was my dream-girl, an angel, etc. I really meant it.

She was the one who:
-Stated "we love eachother"
-Asked if we belong together
-Texted me wedding soundtracks
-Repeatedly brought up what we would name our kids/do for our marriage/when would I be ready to have kids
-Set a formal date for going public
-Asked if we were exclusive
-Wanted to be "boyfriend/girlfriend"
-Said I was 'perfect' over and over
-Said she felt 'incomplete' without me
-Broke down in tears after making love, saying how she felt "whole"
-Told me she loved me the last night we were together

When she disengaged, I panicked trying to fix it. Couldn't give her space. 'Walked all over her boundaries'.

It blows my mind how she can claims she never wanted to commit, deflected her role in the intensity onto me, and invalidated what we had as a 'ride' and series of 'totally weird things' before blocking me and threatening me. Saying how she felt 'really uncomfortable', and woke up realizing how 'insane it was to be entering into something serious with someone she barely knew'.

I'm just infuriated at the injustice of it all.

I'm so mad that someone of such depth, compassion, and intellect could simultaneously be so distorted. Her emotional articulation and points made are impeccable, but based in an alternate version of reality filled with convenient holes.

I'm mad that she isn't easier to hate for the pain she caused me. Her BPD traits are buried in the qualities and facets of her I fell so in love with.

I've learned that this kind of mind grows 'colder' with time, and the distortions become more cemented and less malleable. Part of why I tried to push through her defenses in my panic when she disengaged. I felt like I was racing the clock against her mechanisms that retrospectively and subconsciously alter reality.

Now that she's cut me out, I'm sure there is no chance whatsoever for reconciliation, and that she views me as the antagonist. Being 'forever done'.

The paradox is, how can she learn from this and act differently in her next intimacy if she can't accurately remember her role in this one? How can she say she loves me and not want to mend things just a couple days later?

When she told me she loved me, I took that as 'I'm committed to making this work through rough and smooth waters, and understand the weight of this word'. Clearly she was not on the same page as me.

When I tell someone I love them, I am emotionally and mentally preparing to be with them indefinitely. I will go to couples therapy, give them my kidney, raise a crippled child with them, say it to them when they have dementia and don't recognize who I am, hold their hand while they die, and cut off my left nut to make it work. Not to describe how "I'm feeling in the moment".

I'm just so furious at life right now. Taunted and confused and punishing myself for not walking on her eggshells.

I know that when a guy gets dumped, its a social tradition to not contact them because that's apparently a turn-off and 'needy', and to wait and see if they crawl back to you while you maintain your independence and 'manliness'.

Of course I 'failed' in every aspect of this regard. I was totally heartbroken. I'm a human. Not the epitome of masculinity.  

Anyone else relate to any of this? Would love to hear.

[Angel3287]

Hey flamingspiral,

First of all, I am really very sorry to hear that you are having a hard time but totally relate to what you're going through emotionally. It is very difficult to come off of a high that was so high to end up in a ditch 30 feet deep. The good thing, truly, is that you now have some space to reevaluate the relationship from the outside and this will give you a different perspective on things in time. Also, you will start to forget her too.

Second -- we all struggle with making peace with the fact that they may or may not recall the relationship the way we have or choose not to rather. My ex didn't necessarily bring up ex's in a negative sense but he was extreme with examples, like "that was the nicest thing so-so ever did for me" and the same with his friends. I was also told many times that he "would never forget today" or "that you did this for me". Like with us, thoughts like these only serve us when we want to see the good in our partners and people.

Now, let's say we wanted to justify our negative behavior against someone. What would we do? We probably would do a milder form of "going black" on that person, i.e amplifying faults, negative moments etc... The BPD ex just takes this to an EXTREME to cope. It's not personal but a survival technique. They need to be the victim.

It's hard in our moments of extreme emotions to feel compassion for our ex's but you'll eventually get there once you've moved through your grieving process. It will take time to balance out and the best thing to do would be simply to live day-by-day and try to do your best to take care of yourself.

P.S.

Don't worry about the "appearing masculine" b.s... Dudes have feelings, too, and pretending like you're above it only brings you closer to how your ex copes with her emotions (think about that one!). Be real and do you.

[Freeatlast_1]

 I completely understand what you went through. These people put you on a very high pedestal. My ex told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her, she would wake up in the morning and kiss me and say I am so lucky, how did I get so lucky? A week before she texted me it's over. I make a statement like "don't act like a child " When she's crying hysterically acting like a child, she would say things like shut up, hang up the phone and text me it's over I cannot do this anymore. This is literally two days after being in the shower with me and telling me how did she get this lucky? I mean how can it  be more of a mind fxxk  than this? We have so many good memories, staring at the stars, talking about psychology, philosophy, talking about borderline disorder and her treatment plan. Planning out how she's going to start doing mindfulness and how we're going to start going to spiritual retreats together so we can take care of each other.  How she feels horrible that she distort sometimes, and that she so aware of it. And how she wants to have little girls with me. All the stuff was said when she is lucid and sane. Then comes the time when she switches completely, becomes someone I don't really know, A monster. She starts blaming me for being invalidating and dismissive. She starts calling me abusive and rough.  The same comments that I made when she was normal, I made at the wrong time when she was not normal, and they meant completely different things to her. Yes it's very different, sometimes I feel like she has multiple personalities. Actually, she has three personalities, an amazing one that is the adult personality that I love to death, a  Child like personality that is three years old maximum, and a monstrous distructive evil personality that comes out when she's very angry. Three personalities and unfortunately I only remember the good one out of the three. If I can focus on the other two, I can turn my back completely and move on.  So I completely understand what you're going through it's not easy at all. As I type this right now I'm not even sure if I'm going to be recycled for another roller coaster ride or am I going to just move on completely. I can't even trust myself enough not to get recycled. This is coming from a person who considers themselves very strong, I have succeeded in every area of my life  and I'm independent in every way except when it comes to her. She can recycle me whenever she wants. It is that crazy. I tried to block her on my phone maybe about 50 times, and I unblock her a few minutes later. My mind starts wondering what if she needs something, what if she wants to tell me something?  Something transforms in our brains when we meet these people. Either that or something that has been an issue all our lives comes up when we meet this people. It's good that you're aware of it, maybe it's a good start so you can have more control over your own consciousness.

[Lost-love-mind]

 Flaming Spiral - your story is my exact story with my exBPD. I mean , were we dating the same person?
You went through the same exact experience with a BPD and said the exact things I wish I could put as eloquently as you surmised.
It's late and I need to process your post when I have less on my mind about my job and deadlines tomorrow. I work to keep my mind busy. I suggest you find some relief from ruminating as well. I will write more over the weekend. Hang in there, you can help us all with your learning experience.

[sadboi]

Hi Flamingspiral,

This is honestly one of the most relatable posts I've read on here. Knowing my exes whole perception of the past is essentially wrong because of the devaluation makes me feel pissed and sad and cheated. She's entirely wrong and there's nothing I can do about it. And all her friends and family that used to love me hate me know. And she, who used to love me so much, say all the beautiful things to me, hates me. It hurts more than anything. It isn't fair. I want her to know she is wrong. I want her to remember the good.

I would've done ANYTHING for my ex, and there were times when I feel like I proved that. And she used to know that, it was part of the reason she loved me. But now she tweets about how I'm selfish. She told me I don't want her to be happy, she told me I'm the reason she cut.

Nothing hurts more than being devalued.
But at the end of the day, we have to find strength in knowing that we can't change that, we have to know in our hearts that we did the best we could by our exes. We have to know our own truth and accept that we can't change theirs.

I hope you get closer and closer to finding peace.

[Lost-love-mind]

[/quote]

I've learned that this kind of mind grows 'colder' with time, and the distortions become more cemented and less malleable. Part of why I tried to push through her defenses in my panic when she disengaged. I felt like I was racing the clock against her mechanisms that retrospectively and subconsciously alter reality.

Now that she's cut me out, I'm sure there is no chance whatsoever for reconciliation, and that she views me as the antagonist. Being 'forever done'.


I know that when a guy gets dumped, its a social tradition to not contact them because that's apparently a turn-off and 'needy', and to wait and see if they crawl back to you while you maintain your independence and 'manliness'.

Of course I 'failed' in every aspect of this regard. I was totally heartbroken. I'm a human. Not the epitome of masculinity.   

When I received a follow-up email from her after all my "beggin for reconciliation" emails, she claimed I was a narcissist and was no longer to look to her for my supply. In retrospect her narcissistic tendency was stronger than mine since her multiple visible tattoos indicated "look at me". But that is mimicking some reading I did on tattooed women and their rationale for getting so many.

I think the begging I did indicated more of my own BPD tendencies.
Particularly when I left her July 4 gifts on her porch tearing out our photos from the frame and replace with "our pic was here".
She later relayed that to my boss indicating I needed to stop.
I didn't and eventually left an American flag in her garden (she claimed to be a strong patriot). She eventually filed a ppo claiming harassment not necessarily stalking. Which I understand is a BPD trait. However, my emails, texts and gifts were overwhelming.
I made one email after another month, and she replied with vile insults, including I was a loser for still caring.
Yes, the BPD mind grows colder. She is gone forever. And I still can't get over it.

[flamingspiral]

Thank you all for the replies and the support.

It seems that myself and others on this forum tend to gaslight themselves in the aftermath of getting devalued, questioning their own sanities.

I definitely wondered if I myself was BPD in the wake of things. It is easy to lose oneself in these dynamics, especially when being so infatuated. By trying to accommodate there own BPD traits, we can end up developing our own. But they are not true BPD traits, just psychological imprints that really will fade with time.

As much as we love these people and want to save them from their self-fulfilling prophecies, it is out of our control. Most of us are are not qualified or centered enough in these dynamics to hold on to these people. The root-causes of their distortion, warping, and devaluation run deeper than anything we can reach.

It is important to remember that if things did work out, every fight/conflict/issue in the relationship would have probably brought you to your knees trying to articulate reality and fight both sides of the battle while they unintentionally deflect blame on to you. I did that for over a year with my ex: it was hell and left me with deep emotional and psychological scars.

In my experience it goes like this:

They quickly disclose trauma and exhibit low self-esteem and a need for validation
>
I over-compensate trying to validate and comfort them. I disclose my own wounds trying to equalize the dynamic with them
>
Their reluctance to accept compliments and reassurance leads to me being more intense in effort to convince them and nurture them
>
A codependent intensity is formed, where we are both comforting and reassuring eachother in our deepest vulnerabilities, yet we barely know eachother
>
The intensity leads to a very deep sense of intimacy, which scares one or both
>
More compensation i.e. "love", "kindred spirits", setting dates, "perfect", so "grateful"/"lucky" we found eachother... .rationalizing the intensity as 'ok'
>
Serious relationship within a matter of weeks
>
Instability
>
They invalidate/distort and run. Their defensive mechanisms turn it on you, and your attempts to reconcile trigger them into cutting you out.
>
Crushing heartbreak
>
A purgatory of what ifs, shoulda-wouldas, and self punishment while they forget, invalidate, and move on to the next reiteration of their pattern.

She doesn't realize that a large part of my intensity was fueled by trying to compensate her low-self esteem and denial of my reassurances despite her need for constant validation.

I make webcomics. This one I made in the worst grit of it. I hope it can help others. I sent it to her in one of my final messages. Even though it didn't seem to phase her, it still helped me.

Trogproductions

https://imgur.com/kearCnz

[Edin]

The paradox is, how can she learn from this and act differently in her next intimacy if she can't accurately remember her role in this one? How can she say she loves me and not want to mend things just a couple days later?

Maybe they learn to act differently because of therapy or just life experience, but I do wonder if they ever truly learn.

My ex wasn't able to take responsibility for his role in how things developed in our relationship. When his most nasty personality came out during arguments, I would get a peek into his most hidden part of his mind, I would find he was full of resentment, to me, to people in his past, angry at life and society in general. He would eventually blame someone or something else. He was powerless, the victim, the one who was misunderstood.

Many times I tried to make him understand my perception of things, or those of others, to make him see things differently, but it was like talking to a brick wall.  And I also found certain memories of things that happen between us, were distorted, I would wonder if it was just convenience, or if he really couldn't remember it the way I did. Then he grew colder, and soon there was no way back, he had totally cut me out.

My ex was already in his forties, on medication and with many years of different kinds of psychological treatment behind him, he never told me he had BPD, but an anxiety disorder. After reading so much about it,  I am definitely convinced he had at least BPD traits. Maybe it depends on the person, but I don't think this kind of behavior and perception of the world is something you can easily unlearn. It is sad, really...

[Harley Quinn]

Hi fs,

I understand from one of your previous posts that you have had relationships with BPD women previously.  How many times have you been down this road and what if anything is different this time around?  I'm curious to know what it is that you feel draws you to this particular type of r/s.  I've had many destructive relationships myself and it's interesting to hear others' perspectives on this. 

I know that right now you are going through the events and coming to an understanding what happened and how.  There is so much pain and confusion following a breakup of this nature and the intensity of the r/s feels distinctly absent when it is over.  There is a lot to adjust to, so many questions and things we are forced to just accept, which is really hard and I feel for you right now.  Do make efforts to push yourself to find joy every day no matter how short the time may be.   

It's clear you've done lots of reading.  I'm wondering if you read this particular article on how a BPD r/s evolves?  Forgive me if I'm sharing something you've already read (and with your experience I'm sure you have a good awareness), however others reading your thread may not have come across this yet.  It explained a lot to me soon after I split up with my ex and I found it really useful to put things into perspective a little, by bettering my understanding of what I'd experienced.  It also allowed me to quit blaming myself for things that were beyond my control.  Because ultimately, the higher the pedestal the further we have to fall and that day will always come no matter what we do. 

It's really tough and only with hindsight can we really begin to ask ourselves in time what we learned from this? 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

Do you feel your list of stages fits with this description of how things evolve?

I'll also second Angel3237 regards caring about perceived masculinity.  In this day and age I think the vast majority of society is moving forwards in this respect to a place where it is welcomed and encouraged for men to be more open about their feelings.  Stay in touch with them.  The world needs less repressed individuals in it and more who can express themselves in healthy ways.  Your creative work is clearly a good outlet for you and will be appreciated by others I'm sure.

Love and light x

 

[wastelandchic]

Understand you entirely brother! The hell of it is that most of us generally, not always, but generally mean/feel precisely what we say, particularly in the throes of this magnificence called love bombing/idealization. And when we discover that they (our disordered mates) are basically FOS, it's an injury like no other because it opens up wounds of inadequacy and rejection that are otherwise more easily overcome when one is able to achieve some degree of closure from someone they know to be, for lack of a better word, sane. In other words, two people meet, fall in love the old fashion way, (i.e. build slowly and steadily) and ultimately have a falling out of sorts but maintain some degree of self-respect and dignity knowing that there was some substance and meaning to the whole thing. There is cognizance of the fact that your mate may not love you anymore, but generally speaking, they weren't FOS and did in fact harbor deep and intense feelings (if not love) at one point in the relationship. At that point, I can generally go my own way with only flesh wounds from which I know I'll recover with relative ease.

In this case, the realization that the person was almost a form of Artificial Intelligence - some dastardly robot doomed to suffer the same programming error until such time as they sought treatment, is all the more damaging because, for one, it's incredibly hurtful to feel like we were taken in a confidence scam and that those same predators are out plying their trade with the next potential victim often moments after breaking our hearts. My ex actually admitted that she was going to reactivate her dating profiles and start using guys to get over me within MINUTES of breaking up. That to me is the most hurtful part - believing that I am left holding the bag on a relationship that I committed to in the same manner you describe: total commitment come hell or high water. In the meantime, she's out trying to get her next fix of narcissistic supply as if our relationship meant nothing.

I think this part will almost certainly label me a narcissistic counterpart to her borderline, but in all honesty, I was somewhat out of her league in many respects. She was attractive to be sure but I'm quite the attractive man myself (more so that her if casual observers were to be believed) who had no shortage of opportunities to hook up with other women during the course of our relationship but declined owing to my overriding love for her. She was not nearly as intelligent, sophisticated, well read/traveled, cultured or athletic as me but she captured my heart effortlessly. This made it all the more upsetting knowing that someone who, by all standard measures of attraction, was not "on par" with her mate and yet has seemingly walked away without a scratch while I'm left longing for her. During recycles, she would swear otherwise but my impression was always one of someone who was merely attempting to keep me in tow until such time as the next mark was secured. Apologies for the arrogant nature of that post but she was a fairly vile woman at the end and so I don't mind saying those things at her expense.

In any event, chalk this pain up to neurochemistry. I know this might otherwise cheapen what you are going through but please rely on empiricism to get you through. Science will save the day as I'm about to explain. Your brain was flooded with feel-good chemicals during the idealization phase and you are now literally suffering physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms as the production of those chemicals has dried up in her absence. And with her absence comes a lack of chemical stimulation via love bombing and idealization. What you are feeling is very much akin to cocaine or heroin withdrawal hence the reason the urges to satisfy that craving are so strong. The exact centers of the brain that light up after taking a hit of crack were also lit up by her Oscar-worthy performances during your idealization. Sure there are things you miss about her but I'm guessing if you take time to think this over critically, you will come to the conclusion that while you do miss some qualities about her, the awful things she did far outweigh the positives and the only truly good thing you are recalling... .is her presence. You miss her presence, and the reason you miss her presence is that being in proximity to her fired up those pleasure centers - pure and simple. You got your fix. I can speak to this personally and almost everyone here can attest to the nature of the recycle and how the body and mind are almost immediately put at ease - suddenly awash in chemicals upon entering into contact with this person in anticipation of the "good times" that are to follow. It feels great for a time. The craving has temporarily subsided and we feel satiated, if only for awhile.

Unfortunately, the duration of those good times is greatly diminished upon each recycle/contact cycle which only serves to set you up for future failure. In your heart, YOU KNOW there is no future with this woman. You know she is exceptionally damaged. I am able to remind myself of this with one simple recollection: people who TRULY love one another do not do the things she did to me (or to you in this instance). And that's all you need to know. She is genuinely incapable of sustaining a meaningful relationship. And I know that sucks to hear but the sooner you embrace the fact that she will likely never be capable of sustaining a relationship without prolonged periods of therapy and introspection, the sooner you'll get yourself in the mindset of examining yourself and discovering what it is about YOU that made you so vulnerable to this type of false narrative. Given some time and distance, it has become very evident why I was susceptible to her BS. I set myself up for this kind of predator. I served me up on a silver platter and so now comes the hard part: identifying and correcting those faults and weaknesses and taking time for self-discovery. Please do NOT contact her. Resist the urge and delve into yourself. I know how hard it is, brother. I have been there and still am to some extent. Not a day goes by that I don't long for the golden days of our fraudulent relationship but ask yourself this: how often have you found that the easy thing to do is the right thing? Exactly... .Lie down with your pain for a few days and grit it out. Things will start to clear. It's not linear and you will have days that you feel positively manic. Ignore it. Remember the science and find something to occupy your time/mind. Peace be with you!

[flamingspiral]

In answer to Harley Quinn's questions:

I have been with 3 that I know of. The first was extreme, lasted for a month, and I broke it off because it was scary as hell. She was a demon. I was 20 and clueless, she was 26.

The second fits that article you linked to a T. I was with her for over a year, caring for her and supporting us while she awaited a kidney transplant through most of it. She lied, cheated, backstabbed, and showed very little if any capacity for empathy. She was cruel in many ways, and very undeveloped emotionally and mentally.

The third is what brought me here. Much more complicated than how the article paints it. Lasted for a month. She is highly intelligent, compassionate, and literate. What makes this so hard for me to let go of, is that her BPD traits were well-disguised by these qualities. To an extent, she was mindful of her dissociative mechanisms, and I thought that mindfulness would allow us to be able to work it out. She was very articulate with the lingo of building a healthy relationship, but ultimately she contradicted all of it. At first I thought her bad memory was only symptomatic of her childhood trauma, but looking back I can now pinpoint clear instances of idealization, devaluation, narcissism, blame, and distortion. Even as she demonstrated these traits in the break up, she still displayed empathy and compassion towards me. At least in semblance she did-In a very Stockholmes way. Trying to advise me on how to handle the pain she caused me and apologizing, then blocking me immediately after. I only got this 'closure' after trying to reconcile every few days or so via text for a week and a half. Hm.

I grew up with a little sister who had deadly nut allergies, and saw her on several occasions being taken by an ambulance on the brink of death. Also grew up taking care of my periodically sick mother. I wonder if I have a 'savior' complex because of this.

I also find 'damaged' people relatable and incredibly interesting. I know I've viewed myself as 'damaged' for a long time due to my own battles with OCD and anxiety. Only in the last year have I really practiced self-compassion. I suppose a deep part of me feels relatable and understood with these kinds of people. Perhaps why I find them so alluring, and vis-versa.

To wastelandchic:

I really wish this gal was more black and white/evil and easier to hate. But truth is, she really is a beautiful person, although fragmented.

Which makes me wonder what would have happened if only I had given her space, and grit my teeth while our relationship was on the chopping block. When she pulled the rug out, I was able to back her off the ledge and we agreed to not talk for 3 days until she could see her therapist. F****** ZERO constructive effort/optimism on her part in the death-throes. Just leaving me to abide by the double standard of respecting her space while she leaves me in the corner to twiddle my thumbs while she decides what to do with our relationship. Two nights before she had told me she loved me. What the heck.
Of course I sent her a text the next morning. It was optimistic and constructive. I wanted us to make a guide we could have on our person to fall back on in times of disassociation and anxiety. She proceeds to disregard the suggestion and attack me, viciously denying my suggestion from the night before that she could be borderline, and twisting my words to use against me. It just circles the drain from there: I'm panicking more, she's marching us to the ledge, boundaries keep getting established, I keep crossing them trying to fix things... .to the point where I call her at work to apologize for my panic the day before, and ask that we re-aproach the whole thing with our defenses down. That's when she axed it. Used my 'walking all over her boundaries' as ammunition to cut me out. For this in spite of everything, I cannot stop punishing myself. I'm rationally aware that this is not the kind of person a healthy relationship is built with.

I will not be contacting her again.

Thanks you for the support y'all. I really appreciate hearing your stories/perspectives.