My BPD experience

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So I'm 62, she's 57.  Our relationship lasted only 8 months and we lived apart.  Before it ended, I didn't know what BPD was.  But with research, I could only conclude she had both BPD and narcissistic traits which explained a lot of her behavior.  Sexual intimacy triggered anxiety in her.  This was after our initial 2 month honeymoon period. We'd have fantastic love making and then the next day she'd want to break it off.  Then the anxiety would pass, and things would go smooth until the next intimacy trigger.  All the while, my codependency kept me hooked wanting to fix her.  My whole focus was on her at the neglect of my friends and interests.  I sacrificed my boundaries with her and reasserting them was impossible. Me declining a casual impromptu dinner invite she sent by text put her into a rageful state and wanting to call it quits.  I just needed some alone time but that didn't matter to her.   She thought I should always be available to her.  Ironic, given how I'd get pushed away if I got too close. 

Then we go on a 2 week trip overseas.  We figured it was a good way to find out just how compatible we really are.  More red flags came up: I'd get blamed if something failed to go according to plan (i.e. the size of our room, lineups).  She'd respond with the silent treatment at times if I upset her.  Or it would be the circular argument where I'd finally give in just to keep the peace.  The final straw came as we left to fly home.  We're standing in a long line ready to board at the gate.  She decides to go find an outlet to charge her phone.  She waves me over to join her.  But I motion to her that I'm staying in line to keep our spot.  Fine, no big deal, no dirty looks.  Our flight goes well with no issues between us, all is calm.  Then suddenly just after we touchdown she chastises me for not leaving that line to join her ... .that I didn't want to spend time with her and so on.  Everyone seated around us could hear her outburst.  I was embarrased and in shock.  I had no idea why she was so angry at me all of a sudden for something so trivial that happened 8 hrs previous.

Anyway, that was enough abuse for me.  I ended it 2 days later.  It's now been 4 months of NC and I have no desire for a recycle.  The first 2 months were hard as I thought I  should've given her another chance.  But there's too much to lose emotionally and financially with someone as impulsive and abusive as her.  It seemed there'd be a new crisis to deal with anytime we had periods of calm.  I couldn't take this cycle anymore and remain emotionally healthy. 
I've truly moved on with help from this site, reconnecting with friends, taking up old and new hobbies, and dating again.  I'm grateful she revealed her BPD issues early on and I was able to escape before a deeper commitment formed.  It did expose my codependency which is what I need to work on.  All too often I let her moods dictate how I should be feeling.

[Duffer09]

So I'm 62, she's 57.  Our relationship lasted only 8 months and we lived apart.  Before it ended, I didn't know what BPD was.  But with research, I could only conclude she had both BPD and narcissistic traits which explained a lot of her behavior.  Sexual intimacy triggered anxiety in her.  This was after our initial 2 month honeymoon period. We'd have fantastic love making and then the next day she'd want to break it off.  Then the anxiety would pass, and things would go smooth until the next intimacy trigger.  All the while, my codependency kept me hooked wanting to fix her.  My whole focus was on her at the neglect of my friends and interests.  I sacrificed my boundaries with her and reasserting them was impossible. Me declining a casual impromptu dinner invite she sent by text put her into a rageful state and wanting to call it quits.  I just needed some alone time but that didn't matter to her.   She thought I should always be available to her.  Ironic, given how I'd get pushed away if I got too close. 

Then we go on a 2 week trip overseas.  We figured it was a good way to find out just how compatible we really are.  More red flags came up: I'd get blamed if something failed to go according to plan (i.e. the size of our room, lineups).  She'd respond with the silent treatment at times if I upset her.  Or it would be the circular argument where I'd finally give in just to keep the peace.  The final straw came as we left to fly home.  We're standing in a long line ready to board at the gate.  She decides to go find an outlet to charge her phone.  She waves me over to join her.  But I motion to her that I'm staying in line to keep our spot.  Fine, no big deal, no dirty looks.  Our flight goes well with no issues between us, all is calm.  Then suddenly just after we touchdown she chastises me for not leaving that line to join her ... .that I didn't want to spend time with her and so on.  Everyone seated around us could hear her outburst.  I was embarrased and in shock.  I had no idea why she was so angry at me all of a sudden for something so trivial that happened 8 hrs previous.

Anyway, that was enough abuse for me.  I ended it 2 days later.  It's now been 4 months of NC and I have no desire for a recycle.  The first 2 months were hard as I thought I  should've given her another chance.  But there's too much to lose emotionally and financially with someone as impulsive and abusive as her.  It seemed there'd be a new crisis to deal with anytime we had periods of calm.  I couldn't take this cycle anymore and remain emotionally healthy. 
I've truly moved on with help from this site, reconnecting with friends, taking up old and new hobbies, and dating again.  I'm grateful she revealed her BPD issues early on and I was able to escape before a deeper commitment formed.  It did expose my codependency which is what I need to work on.  All too often I let her moods dictate how I should be feeling.

[wastelandchic]

Sounds so familiar... .even the part about the flight. I experienced almost identical situation although the circumstances surrounding the eruption were different. Got an innocuous text message from ex wife that she assumed was nefarious. You did the right thing. I'm currently at a Broncos game on rain delay and thinking about how I wish she was work me, but then I remember how, without fail, she found a way to ruin good times... .almost like she thrived on it!

[WildernessMan]

I hear ya. Smart guy!  Wish I had seen the red flags before it was too late.

My wife and I have been married 21 years; been together 23 years. We have a 21 yr old daughter, son 14, another daughter 17. What you described is what I have dealt with the entire time, just variations in how/where these things happened for me. Mostly it was in front of the children, which made it even harder for me to deal with. However, I sucked it up, bit my lip, held my breath, counted to 10 and everything else just to get through it and hold the family together as long as possible. I tell you it was hard but I learned to laugh it off internally.

The overarching theme was always that her behavior/response just didnt fit the situation. Wish I had gotten a clue. I did, however, learn a LOT of self control over the years while working to accept my situation. That's a benefit I do appreciate.

On August 17 I was served with divorce papers. It was a surprise. Didnt see it coming. I'm dealing with it ok though. She has served me before, and threatened divorce many times when her BPD spiked.

So congrats on cutting and running. You saved yourself LOTS of future pain!

[Duffer09]

Thank you wastelandchic and wildernessman for your feedback. 

She was high functioning, very funny, charming, and attractive.  All this had me going along with her push/pull, thinking I could help her get over it.  I even sacrificed my own needs for intimacy so I wouldn't provoke her anxiety.  In the end, the abusive blowups and petty disputes gave me real insight as to how the future would unfold.  A far cry from how we started out several months previous.  I wish her well.  But that's it as in no contact ever again.

[SuperJew82]

That is how mine was: high functioning, very funny, charming, seductive, intelligent,  and attractive. The first 3-4 months were amazing- but that's when things starting going downhill... .and then the recycling started.

Whatever you good you might be able to get out of it, be prepared for a metamorphosis to happen in 3-6 months once they "feel secure" in having you in their control. It's textbook stuff. Read the bpdfamily on how a BPD relationship evolves - it describes this so accurately it is scary.