Feeling "left behind"

[halcyon]

hi guys!  Sorry I've been absent so much, but I'm a full time college student now.  It sucks up most (if not all) of my time.

I'm experiencing a couple of different issues lately with my BPD wife (we got married August 1st)... .

First of all, it's becoming more difficult to communicate with her.  Before I started school, I could sit her down and pour out my emotions about something (very careful not to "word vomit", of course) and she was always very receptive to listening.  Sometimes she got defensive, but it was rare.  Now that I've started classes, I notice her defensiveness is becoming quicker and quicker.  Today all I said was, "messenger doesn't seem to be working on your end today," and she took it TOTALLY the wrong way.  She did apologize quickly for the reaction, but... .this is becoming a pattern over the last few weeks.  And it's making me not want to share my emotions at all, for fear of her reaction, or it being twisted the wrong way (or both).

Second of all, I'm beginning to feel like my emotional needs are being left behind in this relationship.  This is the typical "work/school" day lately:  Every time she calls me, she vents.  When we get home, she vents for about an hour or two, then she wants to eat or have a smoke.  She never asks about my day anymore.  She never asks how I'm doing in school.  And if I do have an emotional need (or even sometimes a physical one) that interferes with her needs, she acts as if I'm being completely selfish.  Sometimes she even plays the "I work and you don't" card, even though my school work is every bit as energy-consuming as her job.

I HAVE talked about this with my therapist.  She has encouraged me to use this as an opportunity to become more independant: find outside friends to lean on, etc... .  And I like where she's going with that, but I still feel I should be able to find a better way to communicate this issue to my wife.  I just can't think of how to even start without provoking those nasty reactions, and I'm mentally exhausted from pulling myself off the drama triangle.  Any suggestions?  Maybe there's a lesson I need to revisit?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi halcyon,

Sometimes she even plays the "I work and you don't" card, even though my school work is every bit as energy-consuming as her job.

I can see how difficult it would feel if you're spouse there changes in behaviors and they're venting and not asking about you.

What's going at on work? A big project, a promotion... .anything at all? I ask because BPD symptoms exaberate during periods of stress.

[Tattered Heart]

Hey halcyon,

Congratulations on the marriage and starting school! Lots of big starts for you.

My first thoughts when reading this were that your wife may be feeling like school and work are more important so she is pulling away a bit to protect herself. She may also feel like you are not connecting or she just is so wrapped up in whatever she is thinking about/going through that she doesn't even think to ask you about your day. My H does this too. Recently he went away on a 3 day trip and vented to me for 3 days after, without once even asking me what I did while he was gone or how I was doing. I start to feel more like his sounding board than a spouse.

I always am one to try to use direct communication as much as possible. Using SET could you share that you feel like you both haven't been connecting and that you'd like to do something for just the two of you. Then come up with ideas on a fun date.

I had this converstaion with my H a few months ago. We just started to seem like two roommates. Finally after I realized that I was starting to feel pretty lonely I just said "I miss you. I feel like we haven't been connecting lately. Let's do something special this weekend." And that opened up the conversation. He felt the same. He was excited about us making special time together. We ended up doing nothing special because he didn't "feel" like it when the day of our plans came up, but we made cookies and deliberately vegged out together.  Just starting the conversation helped a lot though.

When she starts to vent to you how do you respond? I know that there is a key to getting the venting to stop, but I have yet to figure it out. How do you think she would respond if you gently and kindly told her that you would like to tell her about your day too?