How much did we idealize them?

[wastelandchic]

My recollections of my mostly horrible relationship with my uBPDex have left me with this one overriding and somewhat contradictory impression. Having reviewed some of our Whatsapp conversations in concert with my remembrances of those conversations which took place more intimately (in person), I cannot help but admit that I very much love bombed and idealized her in the same way she idealized and love bombed me. That is not to say that I resemble her in any other way but this certainly begs the question: how many of us who expressed our undying love and devotion to these men and women didn't set about to lure them in, albeit under less nefarious circumstances, using a similar tactic? This also makes me wonder if they are equally susceptible to such guile or can detect it for what it is?

In my case, I am cognizant of the fact that it was sheer insecurity and codependence that caused me to not only ignore red flags but also reciprocate (had JUST moved out of my home and was divorcing). I know this certainly painted a bullseye on my back because she didn't even blink when I told her I was still technically married although separated. So what might have otherwise only been a fling that ended without issue endured for a year and a half before imploding in spectacular fashion owing to my idealization of her.

I think the gist of this post is that when I give this situation some thought and look back on all the love bombing from both sides, it occurs to me that we both did it and for reasons that weren't entirely dissimilar. I'm satisfied that I'm not a narcissist or borderline and yet my reasons for love bombing her corresponded closely with her own: to fill a certain void. Furthermore, filling that void not only caused me to overlook so many red flags but also caused me to idealize her in a way that wasn't genuinely warranted; meaning she did not even possess many of the qualities I assigned to her (or wished to assign). It was, in fact, pure projection. She was not otherwise a person in whom I might have otherwise found many commonalities. Like most here, the sex was extremely intense and satisfying but apart from that, the indescribable qualities that I imagine endeared her to me were mostly that: indescribable [read: not all that extraordinary at all and generally intangible now that I'm out].

Anyway, I would appreciate some feedback on that and how that may have contributed heavily to your situations... .

WC

[Mutt]

Hi wastelandchic,



I think of idealization in terms of black and white thinking. For example I got a call from my father yesterday, he's untreated and mentally ill, he's had a lot of abandonment in his life, his dad and brother died in a plane crash when he was a teen and then he lost his wife to cancer. He displays traits of depression / anxiety / narcissism and if I listen to him talk he has black and white thinking, so do I when I'm in a depressive mood, he only sees one side of people you're a saint or you have no redeemable qualities. My point is, I was in a very depressive state when I first met my ex and I had black and white thinking, my train of thought was all positive but it's also normal during a honeymoon period.

Fast forward to today, I'm treating my depression, I still have moments of black and white thinking but it's not anywhere's as bad as being in a depressive mood. For example, my uBPDexw has bad qualities and good qualities, she is rigid and inflexible but she shows through actions that she cares about our kids.

[wastelandchic]

Yes that is normal during the honeymoon period to an extent but my point is healthy people recognize that love bombing like the kind most of us receive is not normal. Nor is it normal to overlook certain red flags like oversharing, truly excessive praise and immediate promiscuity. My point is, it takes two to tango and from where I sit, the majority of men and women here lapped it up and consequently found themselves overlooking certain behaviors that may have been indicative of instability let alone personality disorders.

And it's also natural to an extent to return the favor so to speak but when we drop our boundaries due to (over)idealization, we are setting ourselves up for a harder fall when the honeymoon phase enters into a steady, natural and predictable decline. When our honeymoon phase started to wane, I was comfortable settling into a less impassioned groove but she wasn't as most borderlines clearly need to maintain that level of intensity throughout the relationship.

And I would tend to disagree about black and white thinking among nons. In circumstances where it's not a romantic relationship or a more stable, slowly developing romantic relationship, I am able to discern certain qualities that I may find irritating, disagreeable, etc, without lowering my overall opinion of that person. My overall point is that we tend to idealize in such a manner that we may in fact engage in black and white thinking, idealizing them in the process and enter into a relationship where we are helping break down necessary boundaries. And while my love bombing or idealization of her was of a more innocent nature, it certainly prevented me from seeing certain warning signs much earlier in the relationship when it would have been very advantageous to take a step back. When those little red flags started cropping up, I even called her on her bullsh*t which resulted in temporary splits but such was my idealization (and poor self-esteem) that I quickly explained it away whereas today I would never allow myself to be treated that way.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear WC-
I once asked that question of someone... .can't remember who, but it was something to the effect of "what state were you in when you entered the relationship with your BPDex?"  Because I do believe in my case, the deep sadness I was still experiencing after my divorce and forced relocation to another state made me prime for the picking, or blind to the bombing.  And I bombed right back.

My BPDexBF, who I would have been with for 4 years this past week (after another 3 month recycle), and I shared NOTHING in common.  And I mean NOTHING.  BUT... .He became me.  He turned from a conservative racist into a human being loving liberal.  I pray he hangs onto his new "beliefs".  He won't. 

He'll wait for me to forgive his latest act of cruelty two days after hurricane Irma hit us hard.  I hope I won't.

The very saddest part... .is that I am afraid, so afraid that after what happened with my marriage, and then this, oh poor me... .

My power came back on after 5 days.  But I feel like I'll never get my power back.  Then I have to remember something I read once... ."Considering what has been endured by some, any untortured day is paradise".

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[vortex of confusion]

I didn't idealize ex as much as I sold myself short. As a kid, anytime I would want more or better, I was told stuff like, "Who do you think you are?" The ex perpetuated that rather easily by acting like I was being ridiculous for some things. My past was used against me. I knew that I had a lot of baggage from my childhood and I am usually pretty honest about it. He looked down on me and used that against me. He failed to mention several very important things about himself and presented himself as a lot better/ different than he actually is. I come from a family where the joke is that mental illness doesn't run in the family, it strolls along slowly and shakes hands with everyone it meets.

It has been a pattern in a couple of my relationships where I was dismissed because I shared information about my past. I was honest and tried to bring things up when I thought they might be relevant. If an ex wanted to look at pornography instead of being with me, I was accused of being too sensitive. I would hear things like pornography is normal and that most people look at it. I would hear things like he was trying to be nice and not wake me. If an ex was in a hotel room with a female friend and I questioned it, I was accused of not trusting him because of my past experiences.

At every turn, I felt like I was being blamed and told that I was unreasonable and that it was all because of my past experiences. Stuff like, "You had this issue before I ever came along. Why are you dumping it on me." So, I would make myself smaller and smaller and demand less and less to try to prove that I am not crazy and that I don't have trust issues and that I am a reasonable person and, and, and I just had to prove myself worthy. But then, I would reach a point where I could only suck it up for so long and then I would blow up and say or do something ridiculous which only served to prove that I was crazy and he was perfectly justified in doing whatever he wanted to do and that meant that I was the problem and he was just fine. I was unbearable and unreasonable and it was my fault that he threatened suicide and looked at pornography and chased other women and ignored the kids and played computer games and, and, and. I wasn't like the other women. They inspired him. They floated his boat. I did none of those things.

He kept me down and elevated himself at every turn. Any attempt on my part to do something different was met with suicide threats or other really crappy behavior. I felt like I had no choice but to love bomb him and tell him how great he was. I had seen where he was telling other women that I was horrible and I wouldn't have sex with him and that I wouldn't say "I love you" and all sorts of things. So, I love bombed the hell out of him to try to prove him wrong. This was after 15 years of marriage. I am happy to report that he has been out of the house for over a year and half and his antics still annoy me and irritate me. They should. His behavior is NOT normal and NOT okay and I am immune to him trying to normalize his own crapulence.

I can't tell you the number of times that my therapist has shaken her head in disbelief because people tried to convince me that some things were normal when they were anything but normal. As it turns out, the more time I spend in therapy, the more I realize that I was not demanding enough and that my concerns were very real and very valid and that I didn't idealize him as much as I was young (early 20s then, early 40s now) and had no clue about love or life or relationships and most of what I knew came from some pretty messed up and dysfunctional people.   

[findingmyselfagain]

Well, I ignored all of the red flags... .divorced two times before 24 y/o with a 1 y/o baby at the time... .not to mention barely divorced over a month. For the big ones. I fell for the 100% of my exes have mistreated me line. Her particular waify neediness was my hook. I thought to myself, "she just needs a little TLC." I gave her a huge benefit of the doubt. I overlooked her strange tantrums... .first big one was when I invited some friends to stay in a room with us at a friend's wedding. Her face would drop and she would sulk for hours... .and I felt guilty! I was as kind as I could be but she still destroyed the relationship just a few days after our wedding shower... .and I was still hooked up. I spent months and months figuring out BPD and eventually resolved communication before I realized her moods/emotions had nothing to do with me and I deserved better. Up until that point I thought there was a chance. That maybe she was the person who fell in love with me and it was there. But it was only there in my head the whole time.