to old to walk on eggshells any more

[trailsinger]

So . . . I think my sister has BPD and that our mother did too. My sister's actually been told this by several people (not me) but it makes her angry and she won't admit it.

I fully admit that I fall more to the narcissist end of the spectrum. To me that means that while I may look like I have it pretty well together to others (and I am pretty successful), _I_ am all too aware of my own failings. I know that I have tried to look perfect to others so they will not abandon me, as has happened to me a lot. We lost a sibling when I was 11 and she was 7, and both our parents withdrew (mom drank, dad went to work 12 hours/day), so basically I was left to raise my sister and our younger brother. I was later dumped in college (where I did not want to go) while my parents took the rest of the family for a three-month trip to Europe. My husband left me for another woman. I spent years in counseling figuring out my side in all this. I've learned how to let myself be imperfect and I've found that my relationships are much better as a result.

My sister has accused me and our much-older half brother of "stealing" all the love from our parents. She was violent towards me as a child; she would fly into a rage and kick and hit me with her eyes shut, all the time yelling "leave me alone!" as I tried to fend her off. Since our teens she has not been physically abusive but she is easily triggered and attacks me verbally before running away. Later she denies it or refuses to talk it out.

We did try counseling once. She used the sessions to bring up all her grievances and attack me viciously until the counselor put a stop to that. The counselor didn't address her "communication style," just tried to get her to see me as a person who'd been as traumatized by our childhood as she had; this helped for a couple of years but then we went right back to the same old pattern.

She does not seem interested in me as a person. When I talk she appears impatient and makes curt replies - "yeah, yeah" - and changes the subject as soon as she can. She never tries to draw me out or ask questions. She has a list of topics I may not talk to her about; most of my own interests are on it. She's not interested in insights from my own years of counseling, even those about our parents or family dynamics. She often expresses that she thinks I'm trying to 'tell her what to do' when I'm just talking about something I found interesting. She will not take advice from me on anything.

She dominates conversations, telling long stories about people, usually about something they did that she didn't like; the stories happen "in real time" as I call it; she relates every single nuance and look and action and word. But when I've try to ask "so, did that make you angry?" or say something like "if that happened to me, I'd be annoyed," she looks like she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I once asked her, as she was telling me all about someone she was interested in dating, "how does that person treat you? How do you FEEL when you're around them?" Again, she looked at me like I was spouting gibberish. I know she did some counseling once with a doctor who tried to get her to spot her own feelings, but although she talks about that, I don't think she really knows how to.

I have on several occasions written her letters listing all the things I like or love about her, even the things I envy, like her amazing artistic abilities that I don't have. But she doesn't respond, not even with a "thank you." She's never once told me anything she likes about me. But she HAS copied me a lot in life, going to the same college, getting a similar degree, pursuing many of the same interests.

I've been trying to validate her feelings when I can, but also be clear with her that her interpretation of events is not how I remember or see things. In the last few years it's been easier to do this as she's been less prone to flaring up at me and running away after 'dropping her bombs" as I call it; she will bring up an old grudge (again!) but let me tell her "Well, I remember that differently. Here's how I see it," and in a few cases she's actually accepted it and seems to move on at last.

But I still trigger her inadvertently. When we went to counseling, the one thing I asked of her in future was to cut me some slack and let me be imperfect from time to time without jumping all over me for it. She never has. Instead she gets angry at me and says "oh not THIS again" when I bring it up. She's never acknowledged that I have a reason for asking for this.

A few days ago she said "sometimes I'd like a do-over with you." This got my hopes up and I blurted out "but that's just what _I_ keep asking for!"

She screamed at me and left. We have not spoken since.

I'm 65 and she's 61. I think it's time I stopped trying with her.

[Turkish]

I suppose it's obvious to point out that your sister sounds wrapped up with herself... .

You reacted to her last communication with you probably how I'd respond.  Sounds frustrating.  The next interaction, could you step back and ask her,  "what do you mean by 'do over'?" Likely she will rant, but maybe it would provide you with some targets to validate?

We talk a lot here about validation.  You've indicated that you're familiar with validation. There is a saying here: "validate the valid, invalidate the invalid."

Feelings are always valid; expectations, not so much (they towards us).

Your sister is "limited" in her interactions. You're not,  but it's still hurtful all the same. 

[BPDinmyfamily]

I'm dealing with major issues with my 23 year old sister (I'm 39).

She's displaying advanced symptoms of BPD and has told me to never contact her again. that happened in January 2017.
These past 8-9 months have been fantastic because I don't have to hear about her drama.

It sounds really horrible and I honestly never thought I'd say this. We had a close friendship but the last year she started to literally go off the deep end and I became the devil - or 'painted black' as some people on this board have said.

I struggle with my own mental health issues and it's really a personal thing whether you decide to seek treatment or not.

One thing about anxiety and depression is while they can make nice people cranky *at times* the person with BPD is angry and hateful and only really care about themselves. Again, this is painting BPD'ers with a broad brush and I know that many of them are caring individuals but since these is a trait in our family I see them mostly as self-serving individuals who might be able to relate to people a bit, but don't really have a kind heart.

I'm learning the hard way that just because I'm related to someone doesn't mean we HAVE to be friends or they have to be in my life.
Easier said than done, there will always be that pull.

I wish my sister would eventually come around and agree to come to therapy with me.
But honestly, I would only feel 'safe' around her if we were in the room with a shrink.