New Member

[Making sense]

I wanted to tell you all a little bit about myself and why I am here. I am recently separated from my ex wife who I believe has BPD and NPD traits as well. She came home around two years ago from a Doctors appointment where she was told she had BPD, and was given the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I remember she was mad telling me she did not have the disorder. I informed her that "Yeah, you can let your anger get the best of you at times, but maybe that diagnosis was wrong? You just need to talk more to me is all"

Fast forward to after I left ( I will explain all of this after), I thought about that diagnosis. A LOT! I started watching videos of BPD, and NPD. I watched hours and hours of them. Then started googling it and reading hundreds of articles and forum posts. Yes this one, mostly , and everything started making sense to me. I mean everything! Even though my heart and head are still not quite agreeing because I keep thinking to myself  " are you SURE that she has these traits?"   But then she does something, or says something off the wall.

I can't explain my whole life story , but through the years she has cheated on me four different times, stole money from my wallet twice, and lied about it. She kept booking off of work, and causing us to fight. She would do it up to 10 times a month. Became a ranging alcoholic for the better part of two months. Then I guess eight months ago, she started confiding in a co-worker( He is her Union Steward. Wife is 33, and he is 48!) about her feelings about herself, and our marriage... .but NOT me! They talked, texted and went out while I was at work. I knew NOTHING about this! She shut me out, stopped talking to me, going to bed early or when I came home from work. I begged her to talk, or watch something with me. She constantly walked away into the bedroom. She did this a million times over 12 years, and one day I just got upset. I went into the bedroom and said "Hon, what the hell is going on here. Why won't you just talk to me?"

She would scream at me loudly "I DON"T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. PLEASE ___ OFF!"  I remember staring at her like she morphed into a creature or something. "Hon, just calm down. Can we just talk please?"  Again, she would get louder, "LEAVE ME ALONE GOD DAMMIT!  ___ OFF! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!"

This was about the hundredth time she walked into the bedroom and ignored me, so I kept pushing conversation this time ( My mistake I know) and it got heated to the point where she called the police on me. Nothing physical happened, just arguing that got to the boiling point where I could not understand why she relentlessly refused to talk to me. I couldn't take it anymore. A week later, I found her in a skype call on her phone with the "Union Steward" and obviously union stewards do not skype a union member at home, so I questioned her what that was all about and soon enough she stated that she no longer loves me and she has feelings for this guy and she has been seeing him for awhile. Also added "You can sleep on the couch until you get a new place, but in the meantime you are not sleeping in this bed and I do not want you touching me"

In the SAME conversation when she laid all of this out, she is texting and smiling, I run over to see her phone and see the guys name, and I start crying. "You are seriously texting him... .and smiling... .in front of me?"  She looked at me cold and said, "Its out in the open now, so there is no need to hide it anymore.

I cried some more and could not believe she just told me, she didn't love me, she had an affair, and had NO remorse for any of it! So a week later I found a room at the local YMCA where I am currently, and actively looking for an apartment. Ive been feeling a bit better knowing that her behavior does match up with BPD and NPD. Yes she does project her anger on to me and faults me for everything. When I asked her why she doesn't love me anymore, she replied "all we do is fight".  And I told her that majority of our fights have been because you kept booking off, your prior emotional affairs, spending too much money before paying bills, guys I never knew about on her facebook, and lying to me. Yeah we fought a lot but it was really because of her problems!

So... .why am I here? I am just like you all here. After everything Ive said, I should tell you that I am super happy that I got rid of my ex and I can start my new life in peace... .BUT ... .I still love her. I love her as a person. Why?  Because even though we had troubles, it wasn't all bad. I even told her she was my very best friend, and I still mean that, but I can't control how she feels toward me. She was extremely funny, outgoing, and caring. She is a cat lover, and we love to watch movies and TV shows together.  I... .miss her, what can I say? Im not sure why? Maybe I miss the "good" times, or want to only remember the "good" times? I know she treated me bad, insulting me, put me down, and name calling. BTW, Ive been angry with her, but never called her down, not once. Never told her to ___ off or anything. But she was sweet and kind when she wanted to be. I don't know , im just confused still. I left home on August 16, 2017, and began no contact September 12, 2017.  My last contact with her was an email, after she found out I changed my phone number. She said " I want a divorce! You mean nothing to me! I can't believe I wasted 12 years on you!"

The funny part to me was "I want a divorce". A week after I left, she pawned our Wedding rings, and still seeing the guy she cheated on me with soo... .yeah we are getting a divorce . That was crystal clear already! I was confused why she said that? Even with the insults, I actually wish we could talk civilly. She wanted to be "just friends" as a I walked out the door, and tried twice in the last month but told her it was too much on me emotionally. Im not sure if im going to ever contact her again, or one day when im all settled, and my mind is clear to ask her to talk over a coffee? I have no idea if thats a good idea, knowing what I know now.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Making sense, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a divorce, which is highly stressful under ordinary circumstances and more so when a pwBPD is involved.  Many of us, including me, have been down this path before you, so feel free to ask any particular questions.  Whether one can remain friends with a pwBPD after a divorce is doubtful, but why not wait to cross that bridge when you come to it?  In the meantime, let us know how we can help.

LuckyJim

[wastelandchic]

Hey Making sense

I know this isn't much consolation but she will likely be putting the next poor b*astard through the same ringer in very short order. Ultimately, she will endure a miserable existence that is entirely lacking any substance. All this will catch up to her as her health and mental well-being continue to deteriorate as the years go by.

Right now you're addicted to the feeling. You want to stop the pain and you'll do almost anything to stop it. In all honesty, I would just recall how she sneered/smirked in total derision at your pain in discovering her texting another guy in your presence. DONE. Split up your stuff. Go your separate ways and NEVER speak to her again unless you have kids. Then go monosyllabic LC and don't feed her. As far as you're concerned, she's dead.

She may discover the error of her ways and come crawling back. Then you have a decision to make: take her back and get a temporary reprieve from the pain or cut her out of your life and continue down the path of healing. Maybe she doesn't come back. Either way, you're better off.

This line said it all and sums up precisely how so many others feel: I... .miss her, what can I say? Im not sure why? Maybe I miss the "good" times, or want to only remember the "good" times?

You can't say why but I can - you're idealizing her now that she's gone and doing what Borderlines themselves often do: splitting. You're seeing her good qualities and forgetting the living hell she put you through. Just keep that on the surface and you'll soon begin to realize that you never deserved that BS. Good luck, brother. Let us know how you're doing!

[Mutt]

Hi Making sense,  



I'd like to join the others and welcome you, I'm glad that you decided to join us! I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.

I could not understand why she relentlessly refused to talk to me. I couldn't take it anymore. A week later, I found her in a skype call on her phone with the "Union Steward" and obviously union stewards do not skype a union member at home, so I questioned her what that was all about and soon enough she stated that she no longer loves me and she has feelings for this guy and she has been seeing him for awhile.

You're looking for an answer or you want to try to problem or maybe you want to do both and I completely understand how confusing it is when our pwBPD push us away, a pwBPD feel a lot of shame, it can be difficult to associate with that feeling, you might have to look into your past, maybe a parent or teacher shamed you. Guilt is feeling like you did something. Shame is feeling like there is something wrong with you, she knows that what she did was wrong and she feels a lot of shame, imagine walking around with that shame, we become a source of shame for them.

When I asked her why she doesn't love me anymore, she replied "all we do is fight".  And I told her that majority of our fights have been because you kept booking off, your prior emotional affairs, spending too much money before paying bills, guys I never knew about on her facebook, and lying to me

I agree with you that the dysfunctional behavior is a r/s killer but a pwBPD can't self sooth, can't regulate their emotions like a non, they feel emotions two thousand fold and the fights is how she self sooths, it takes longer to return to baseline so she probably wasn't happy because she was emotionally dysregulate for lengthy periods.

She said " I want a divorce! You mean nothing to me! I can't believe I wasted 12 years on you!"

The funny part to me was "I want a divorce". A week after I left, she pawned our Wedding rings, and still seeing the guy she cheated on me with soo... .yeah we are getting a divorce

She's trying to cut you off at the pass, a pwBPD are hyper sensitive to rejection and they fear abandonment, that's the core criterion for the disorder, abandonmnent fears, if she rejects you it means that she wasn't rejected and by trying to avoid abandonment, it's self desctructive behaviour?